Ok, after posting yesterday "How can I help him", I learned that I am doing a lot of right things, need to be mindful and keep doing them, and continue to be understanding and patient.<p>Well, yesterday evening DH fell into the "I'm fat", and no matter what I said to try to lift him up, he was bummed. We had a wonderful evening, and yes sex was involved, and no complaints or anything.<p>So, this morning I decided to ask him why he is so negative when I say something to him. He asked how he is negative and I told him. I said I'm not trying to be mean or anything but that I want to know why so that I can help. He explained that after everything with the A he has a very low self-esteem. I asked what I could do to help, and he said he doesn't know. I cried a little because I hate me for doing this to him. Now, all I want is for my husband back and he is stuck in the body of this person with a low self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, this is not the making for trouble. I love him more than life, and I think the world of him, but how do I help him gain more self-esteem - like he used to have?<p>Thank you for reading this. I know I can be long winded, and I really appreciate all the insights you offer me.

Just a few thoughts here.. <p>1. You could CONTINUE to reassure him that he looks GREAT to YOU, but if HE would feel better about himself to lose some weight, then he should. A glimpse from my perspective here > I have always struggled with weight issues, and it makes things worse when I feel I have to lose weight for a "reason" - because of how people "see" me, health, etc. I do best when I decide to lose weight for ME - just cuz I want to. Not for anyone else. Not even because it's "healthy". I do best when people remind me of that. "Faith1, I think you are GREAT just the way your are!!! But if YOU will feel better losing weight, I will support you 100%! Let me know how I can help you!" <p>2. I'm not sure (other than that ^ ) if there's really anything else you can do. (I forget - Have you invited him to this web-site? ) It may take time for him to realize the A was not a personal attack on him, and for him to regain his self-esteem. But basically, just like Honey's "detachment" post this morning, you're not responsible for his view of himself. THat's hard for him to realize. Maybe you can help him realize that. That HE needs to be comfortable in his own skin. That YOU are perfectly happy with him (if you are!!! and don't lie to him!!)<p>Just my 2 cents. I admire and respect you a WHOLE lot tutter. Keep up the good work! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Thank you Faith. Yes, I am happy with him as he is. He doesn't blame me for his low self-esteem, but just that when things all came out that's when he lost his self-esteem. I do tell him that he looks great, but that if he wants to lose weight and/or work out to look better then to do so and that's great. I just hate so much to see him so down, it's not like him, and I just want to fix it.<p>Thank you for taking the time to respond. You and everyone here are simply wonderful.

I have the same problem with my H, especially since the A. He did say it before, but not as much, and it bothers me more now. He is very good looking, and I tell him all the time I like my man with some meat on him. I'm not really turned on by skinny dudes. The guy I had my A with was not any thinner than my H, actually they are very similar. Both dark hair and brown eyes, about the same height and weight. He wasn't any bigger in the "package" dept. <p>I'm interested to see what responses you get to this too...

Hi Tutter,
I can totally understand how you feel. I don't have any advice for you. But I just want to let you know that I think you are doing all the right things. <p>Keep loving him, and showing him that you do. I think it will pass. <p>My heart goes out to you.
1step

tutter,
I'm glad you posted. I was tempted to write on your other thread, but you were getting such good, positive replies I thought, well, maybe it is just that he doesn't take a compliment well......<p>Really, I think most BHs can relate. First off, your H is going through that one-year thing. He's realizing what was going on exactly one year ago. Sorry if some of this stuff is painful to remember for you too, but it's really what is causing the frequent bad moods at this time. BTW, I want to say I've been very moved at the work you're putting into recovery. Your willingness to look for the deeper issue is rare in a WS. My W is very sorry, and has changed so much for the better, but she lacks introspection, and true empathy, maybe thats why I appreciate your posts so much.<p>Anyway, I think when you say to your H "you are sexy, and wonderful", you take him right to the tough issues, the questions for which there are no easy answers...he says "no, I'm not", but what he's thinking is "if I'm sexy and desirable, why did you betray me?". Yes, it's his damaged self-esteem, but it's more than that. It's the feeling that he doesn't know you. He wants you to tell him how in heavens name you could do this to him. <p>When my W tells me I'm sexy, it takes me right to the paradox. The fact that my old belief system said that if you cheat on someone you don't love them. She cheated, yet stands before me saying she loves me. It's extremely hard to come to terms with. At one year your H has probably come only partway towards accepting that you love him. I'm approching two years, and it's still difficult for me, but the more I come to understand my W the more I can accept the fact that her affairs were a mistake.<p>I think you can help your H by telling him more about yourself. About how your mistake happened, and how a lack of self-love on your part played into it. Tell him you wish you could go back and change things. This may seem like a futile thought, but it's reassuring for a BS to hear, because more than anything, we wish this had never happened. <p>The fact you have an active sex life tells me it's likely your H is like me and has sex and love very much linked in his mind. This is common in men and though it's good for you to be able to share this, the why question remains. <p>I'd suggest spending some real quality time together. If you haven't yet, tell him all about your childhood, and the things that affected you growing up. It would be real good if he shared any secrets he may be holding back from you too. I suspect you two have worked through some of this stuff already, but I know for me, getting out some of the skeletons in my closet helped us get closer and I began to take a look at times in my own life where I had done things that went against my true values. Once I loked honestly at that, I was more able to accept that my W might still love me despite what she had done. <p>So I'd respect the power of the dday anniversary. Understand that when your H says "no, I'm fat" he's asking you to help him. Touch all the basics, are you committed, honest, sorry? Compliment him, yes, but don't just say he's sexy, tell him what love means to you and what is special about that. Try to explain that your A was a mistake and that you love him. <p>David

David: Thank you very much for your indepth response. <p>My husband and I have had many discussions over the last year. I've spent a lot of time disecting myself to answer the why's etc. He's been given the chance to sit down with me and tell me exactly how he felt "all at one time" and I just listened. We've become very open with eachother and know that we can talk about anything with or without the affair.<p>Just this morning I expressed how sorry I was and how much I hate what I've put him through. I cried in his arms as he said he doesn't hate me he loves me, and I told him that I hate me. He knows how deeply I feel about what I've done, and I do express that to him. At the beginning of our recovery we did explore and share a lot of our past that may have affected our marriage and ourselves. I've expressed how I got lost into the affair and how much of a mistake it was.<p>I guess it's mostly the one year thing that's playing a role here. It just seems I'm doing all the right things, not because I should or have to, but because I want to because I love him, yet there still seems that there's one thing I'm missing. One piece that would end this stormy weather.<p>He doesn't really get angry anymore. It's more like he's down. We have learned well how to handle our feelings in a productive way and how to communicate well. Yes, we have an active and wonderful sex life, but that's not being made the foundation for a wonderful relationship. We usually cuddle every evening watching tv. It's our time together. If we want or need to talk then we do, or we just enjoy eachothers company. Also, we have spent a lot of time lately in our new pool as a family. It's been a lot of fun, and I think it's helping with our quaity time.<p>Again, thank you for your response. I will certainly keep in mind all you have said. I really appreciate this board and the people here. Hopefully soon we will find ourselves smoothly past this one year mark. Thanks so much.