I have been reading the information on this sight and also reading the posts here in the forum. Lots of opinions for sure. I have a question regarding this honesty policy. <p>I have been involved in an affair with a woman I met at work. The affair lasted 3 years. About a year ago she left the company. Last month we decided together that our Affair had no real future without hurting so many, so we ended it. We had contact for the first two weeks but only by phone. Then I started to read the Marriagebuilders info and realized I was going through heavy withdrawal. So I told the my lover that we had to stop all contact or I would never be able to get over her. That was 2 weeks ago. <p>I have been to 3 different marriage couselers and asked them advice on how to handle the situation. I want to rejuvinate my marriage. Only one of the three suggested rather weakly that I tell my wife everything. The other two seemed to think I had a really good attitude about it and suggested I not tell my wife everything. They felt I had already made the commitment to fix my marriage and if I continue to work with them we could get through it without tearing my wife apart. They saw no purpose in telling her about my affair. <p>My question is to all of you who have found out about you spouses affair and your spouce wanted to stay with you and work it out. Assuming the affair is completely over. Would you have rather never know?<p>I know this opinion probably isn't popular at this forum, but I am undecided. The honesty policy is not the most popular opinion among mental health professionals. Also some of the posts from men and women who have found out about their spouses affair sound so depressing and horrible. I don't really want to put her through that. I still love her very much<p>Gamma

G,<p>Welcome to MB! I admire you for coming here and asking the questions you have. <p>My fast answer because I don't have time is to pick up His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley.<p>It was picking up that book and reading it that convinced my WH that he needed to tell me about his A that happened 4 years ago. <p>That book and Surviving An Affair have so many answers that you need.<p>Best advice of all I can give you is to Call the Harley's for Phone counseling. I think Steve Harley who I counsel with would be able to help you. He is very compassionate to WS and I think you will be glad you did.<p>Best of luck to you, and don't take any personal attacks that may come your way too badly.<p>I wish my WH would have found this website and gotten some advice a long time ago. You have shown incredible courage! Best of luck to you! CSue

hehe... I can tell you that the popular opinion here is RADICAL HONESTY. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Here's a link to a Recovery Update... this was a couple where the W had 4 affairs, 4 years ago, THEN the truth came out. THey survived, and their marriage is stronger than ever. SHe was able to clear her conscience, and he was treated with respect by being told the whole truth about his marriage.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018626<p>I can imagine your dilemma is tough. I hope you'll truly open your mind to some opinions here, and decide the best path for you and your family. I'm glad you're here.

g:<p>"Would you have rather never know?"<p>NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>I've had a great deal of "experience" with the value of living in blissful ignorance. Bottom line, it isn't blissful, and keeping your W ignorant of the truth is crueler than having the A. <p>Your counselors are FOOLS!!! TELL THEM I SAID SO!!!<p>My W had two As with the same OM. I found out about them by accident after she thought she'd ended the last one. She tried to "work on our M" between As, but how the hell could she have been successful when she couldn't tell me about what had happened in her life that impacted our M? So, what happened? I didn't "respond" to her satisfaction and she had another A with the same [censored].<p>We're doing much better now, but our M may still not survive the 11 years of lying. <p>Your W deserves the truth. She deserves the chance to make her OWN decisions. She may choose to work with you on your M. She can't do THAT without full knowledge of its history. She may choose to divorce you. She DESERVES the right to make that choice if that's what she thinks she needs!!!<p>Come clean, tell your W, and work with HER on rebuilding your M. You will both be stronger people at the end of this.<p>Oh yeah, and jettison any and all counselors that would advise you to continue to lie to your W, because that's exactly what they are advising you do.<p>Take care,

Thanks for the advise. It would seem to me that everyone here at MB does know about their spouses affair, so I guess there is some bias. There seems to be a lot of unhappyness here too. These shrinks can't all be wrong, can they? There has to be some success stories. I would really like to take this to my grave.

g:<p>Sadly, not all have told the BS about their A. I hope they chime in here.<p>Don't try to take this to their grave, please! Get it off your chest. You'll be amazed at how good a M can be if you're honest.<p>Yes, anybody can be wrong, even counselors with advanced degrees! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

G,<p>Of course you can make any choice you wish. Just make an informed choice after reading; studying, learning everything you can.<p>Take your time; become an expert, then at least you'll make the right choice for you...the one that gives you the most peace. CSue

Dear gammago,<p>My H intended to not let me know about his A. It took him 3 years to tell me the whole truth, bite by bite, personally I would have rather 30000 times to have been told the truth on the spot, be hit by lightning, run over elephants and other heavy creatures than the tirade of lies.<p>My H felt guilty, sad, tortured and therefore made our marriage unhappy.<p>When he finally came out with all of it he could actually BREATHE. He knew I knew everything, that he had no skeletons in the closet, and that is what made her a better husband.<p>I love him with all of my heart and soul. I don't ever want him to go away. And I appreciate the trust he put on me when he confessed to his infidelity. <p>Our marriage was rocked and broken in parts, but now we are living again, trusting again, and building such a wonderful marriage! We laugh, we love, we make passionate love, and we are the best friends of each other, nobody can stop us now.<p>If that seems like a success story to you, then there you have it.<p>It takes its moments of doubt, hurt and tears, but it all is starting to be worth it and I am sooooo glad my H is feeling better and loves me so much.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by gammago:
<strong>Thanks for the advise. It would seem to me that everyone here at MB does know about their spouses affair, so I guess there is some bias. There seems to be a lot of unhappyness here too. These shrinks can't all be wrong, can they? There has to be some success stories. I would really like to take this to my grave.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>We wouldn't be here at the "Infidelity Forum" if we weren't aware of our spouse's affairs! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>right?<p>We are here BECAUSE we know or suspect our spouse's had affairs. So yes, there's some bias. But this is also a "Marriage Building" web-site, and it's been proven that HONESTY is part of a strong marriage.<p>There's also some WS's (wayward spouses) that are here because they HAD an affair and want to know how to repair their marriage. <p>Sure - there's probably MANY secrets STILL in the closet in these marriages. Additional affairs, affairs from the past, continued secret contact with the OP (Other Person), paternity secrets [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] , but those issues are HUGE obstacles, and will prevent the marriage from surviving if they are not faced head-on and resolved.<p>Who wants to live with a lie? What if your wife had sex with 20 men over the past 3 years? Would that bother you? 20 or 1 ... it's still a lie... and she deserves to know who she's sleeping with, and who she's married to...<p>Did you read the link I gave you? That should provide you hope that your marriage will survive if you tell the truth.<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

alostwife:<p>"When he finally came out with all of it he could actually BREATHE. He knew I knew everything, that he had no skeletons in the closet, and that is what made her a better husband."<p>I get goosebumpy thinking of this possibility in OUR future. Our M is already better than it has been in 12 years, and we haven't really started recovery yet!

Gamma,<p>I know it sounds easier to take it to your grave, it may be. But, Harley has been very successful in not just saving marriages but making them better and the bedrock of the approach is honesty.<p>Now, you are in a bit of a spot here. You are still going through withdrawal from OW. You are concerned about your marriage. You don't want to hurt your W. And you want a marriage that was better than the one you had before the affair. On this last point you should be very clear, something was wrong with your marriage or you wouldn't have had the affair. This is not to blame your W for your choices, it is to give you insight and hopefully insight to your W if you tell her.<p>Frankly, as you go through withdrawal, and start to work on your marriage, not telling will be much easier on you. Your W will like the attention she probably has not gotten from you in the 3 years of your affair. Things will be cool, and your counselors will declare victory and move on to other patients.<p>BUT, the real problems come later. Here is what is seen around here frequently. AS you fall in love with your W again, there will be a lot of guilt on your part,if you are a decent human being and there is no indication that you are not. How are you going to deal with the guilt?? Pull away? Probably, be sad. You won't be able to give to your W what she needs.<p>Further, you will have to hide this secret and that means some topics will have to be off limits, such as relationship topics, perhaps going to certain places, in order to protect this secret you are going to have to wall off part of your existance and what you allow your W to see. This means that a chance for an emotionally intimate relationship such as you had with your OW will be impossible.<p>Now, here comes the real problem, as if the others were not bad enough. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Your W will have learned nothing. She probably thought she has been a good W, maybe wasn't so enthusiastic about sex maybe or something else, but all in all she feels she has done a pretty good job. But, you know she has not. More importantly she would probably be willing to change her perspective on things if she knew that you preferred having an affair to her.<p>Notice I didn't say change herself, I said her perspective. People don't deep down change but they can change their perspectives and by doing that how they respond to certain situations. She has no chance to do that, so the odds are high that you will have another affair. I mean there has been no penalty for this one, and worse nothing has changed at home except that you decided to end the affair (a very good idea).<p>So yup your counselors can work with you on being a better H, but they cannot talk to your W because they cannot let the cat out of the bag. You cannot really talk to your W as you should either. Right now this isn't important to you, as you are working hard to end the affair, but if you are successful on your own to raise the marriage to a higher level the lack of intimate converstation with your W will start you to comparing how openly you talked with OW.<p>It is a vicious cycle.<p>To answer your final question, the answer is YES they can all be wrong. I am a scientist and the history of science if filled with one person seeing what no other saw and thereby making all others WRONG. Just because they have clients doesn't make them right.<p>The choices are yours, as Faith1 suggested do some reading, work on getting through withdrawal, and come and talk. It is your marriage, and your future, so you get the choices. All anyone can do here is talk with you and offer different perspectives.<p>Hope something I said helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I can't believe that any professional would encourage deceit. And that's what not telling your wife is. She has a right to know what she's dealing with. You don't have to 'spare' her feelings. It was my H's 6 years of lies about his affair that almost ended our marriage, NOT the affair. Everytime you make love to her, tell her you love her, etc. it will feel like a lie to her when she finds out what you were hiding.<p>Please read "Torn Asunder" and the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com
They will help you to see that she has every right to know. A marriage built on lies is no marriage at all.<p>I give you credit for breaking things off and going to counseling. But I've been in your wife's shoes and the pain that comes from honesty is easier to take than the pain that comes with lies.<p>Also, if you keep this secret, you are much more likely to have another affair. Do the emotional needs ?aire and find out what ENs this OW was fulfilling for you that your wife should have been.<p>Keep posting and good luck. Find a new counselor

I can't believe that any professional would encourage deceit. And that's what not telling your wife is. She has a right to know what she's dealing with. You don't have to 'spare' her feelings. It was my H's 6 years of lies about his affair that almost ended our marriage, NOT the affair. Everytime you make love to her, tell her you love her, etc. it will feel like a lie to her when she finds out what you were hiding.<p>Please read "Torn Asunder" and the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com
They will help you to see that she has every right to know. A marriage built on lies is no marriage at all.<p>I give you credit for breaking things off and going to counseling. But I've been in your wife's shoes and the pain that comes from honesty is easier to take than the pain that comes with lies.<p>Also, if you keep this secret, you are much more likely to have another affair. Do the emotional needs ?aire and find out what ENs this OW was fulfilling for you that your wife should have been.<p>Keep posting and good luck. Find a new counselor

Don't you thing your w has the right to know so she can make an informed decision about whether to stay in the marriage or not? I mean it is her life. And it seems that sooner or later these thing come out one way or another.

Hi there, and welcome to the board.

You asked about success stories? Well, I think that many will agree that I can fall into that category. So, I'll share my thoughts on this, and let you know that I am one of those success stories (as the WW).

Well, when my DH first had his suspicians he confronted me. Of course I denied everything. He was hurting, and I didn't want to lose him. So, he chinned up and said "I don't care, but if anything is going on I just want it to end and I want my wife back." That was the end of it. Wow, did I get off easy. Now, all I had to do is what I'd been telling myself to do for awhile now - end everything and work on my marriage.

The PA was easier than the EA to end. So, needless to say, since DH was none the wiser, it carried on. Finally DH came to me with more and I spilled everything. He knew, he had proof, or so he said. I was on the brink of losing everything I'd cherished in life - my DH and my M. The day it all came out there was a lot of yelling (I'm sad to admit). He never left though, although he wanted to a few times. We fought and talked and cried and didn't talk. We never separated and finally we went to counseling.

I found places to read on this and boards to talk on to learn what my DH was really going through inside so that I could help him through his feelings and so that our marriage would have the new and best beginning it deserved.

We are almost at the 1 yr. mark. Sure, it hasn't been easy. The key I think was being able to really FEEL his pain and to calmly talk about all aspects he needed to talk about. Today, we are quite good at talking and sharing. We are very open. I know he still has triggers and such, but not nearly as many as he used to. Most of his triggers right now are because of that year mark.

Now, you may question the depth of our success - here it is. . . we are currently trying to conceive our second child. Neither one of us would have wanted that yet if we weren't secure in what we feel our future will bring us together. We have come a long way, and I'm sure we have some obstacles still ahead, but we are in love and life is good. We look forward to being pregnant, and hopefully it will happen for us soon.

I hope this helps. I cannot tell you what to do, but I do know from experience that trying to move on with the secret didn't work too well for me. I wish you the best in whatever you decide and I hope and pray your marriage comes out ahead. Take care.

Thanks for all your input. Although the MB concepts are quite convincing I still am on the fence. The way I see it is my W will boot my but out on day one. She will angry, hurt, and quite possibly never want to see me again. I know what will happen next. Once I am out on my own I will seek out my ex-lover. We never really lived together so this would be a perfect time to try it out. It might work out great for me. I know this might sound very cold of me but I am being honest about what I think will happen.

I think the MC concepts are great. If I had practiced these concepts throughout my marriage I wouldn't be here now. I am leaning towards keeping the affair to myself for at least a few months. No contact with the OW. I think I am too emotional to make any radical decisions right now that would turn her life and mine upside down. Lets face it, I can always tell her later. But if I tell her now I can't take it back.

Gammago,

Well, it is your decision, but remember it is also her life.

Here in this forum a lot of Betrayed Spouses come after their Wayward Spouses come forward and tell the truth, or the partial truth.
Some of us had stated before this happened that the moment our WS cheated their sorry butts were off the door.

All of us are working hard to take or get our spouses back. All of us are having trouble understanding why they did this to us, but all of us have this uncanny kind of love that drives us to try and stay, to try and give them one more chance, because in the end this is the kind of love that survives.

When they got stray, we didn't walk away, we stayed, we suffered and we came out of it a better person, with or without them.

You saying you don't want to tell your wife is as if you were saying you don't believe enough on the love she has for you, and you think it wouldn't stand the test.

Tell you what, I think you are scared, scared of her yelling, throwing stuff around, making accusations, throwing you out, all the comfrontation. It is like hiding from your parents when you have done something wrong because you don't want a spanking. It is normal, but you might be a coward for what you say.

1) you don't want to face your wife.
2) if you do face your wife you think you will be happy going off to live with the OW. Afterall she won't yell at you, she won't be angry, as a matter of fact she'll more likely cheer you on.

You are stirred inside, but if you don't tell your wife you will always be. You will always have a heavy heart full of lies and deceit. You wont be able to sleep at night, and if you do, then you ought to tell your wife what kind of men she married.

What bugged me is your last sentence:

" Lets face it, I can always tell her later. But if I tell her now I can't take it back."

Remember that old saying, never leave for later what you can do now. It is popular for a reason, and you know why.

You are neglecting your marriage, you are procastinating because it suits you fine.

And what is that you can't take back? What, if you tell her later you can pretend you never said it?

You already did the damage, you already cannot take it back, what is done is done, get it over with, tell the truth, and move on.

gamma,
If anything, at least learn ALL you can here, and begin implementing the principles in your marriage. Invite your wife here (but change your name if you intend to keep the secret), and share the books with her (His Needs, Her Needs, etc.).

We won't condone your secret - we believe in honesty, but we DO realize it's your decision, and it make take some time for you to think through it on your own - we can't change your mind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

But don't throw away your marriage over the secret. Go and WORK on your marriage - clue your W in on these principles, and who knows??? Maybe she has a big secret SHE's hiding that will come out too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm glad you're here! Hang around! Keep reading!

Lostwife, I don'tthink you understand my point, you know the one that bugs you. Point is that I am somewhat depressed,very emotional, thinking of the OW more than my W right now, not thinking with a clear head. Not a good time to make life altering decisions? So I don't really trust my judgment right now, all I have is instincts. So if I don't tell her and not telling her is a mistake, I can fix it by telling her. If telling her is a mistake and I tell her, I can never fix it.

Faith thank you for your reply, it made me feel that not everyone is close minded here. I just can't believe that there has never been an affair that wasn't exposed and the marriage turned out great.

To quote Torn Asunder, affairs that are not revealed lead to stagnant marriages, with a MUCH higher chance of future infidelity. Sure, you can stay married and keep it a secret. But it's not a true marriage with real intimacy. You hold all of the cards and your mate is in the dark. Very lopsided and selfish in my opinion.