I came home from work and I recieved this letter from my wife:

Dear (H)

Please forgive me for being forward, but I want a divorce. I know that we agreed to wait six months before we make any permanent decisions, but things between us are clearly over. I've begun a new life and a new relationship, and I don't think it is fair to anyone for me to remain married to you.

Here is the division of porperty as I see it:
You can have the house and custody of (our cat). I want full visitation rights; I hope we're both adult enough to handle that without the court's help. We can transfer onwership of the car to me and you can keep the truck. However, if your intention is to sell the Trooper, then I want it and you can keep the car. As for small possessions, we'll have to sit down and work it out together. We should each make a list of what we expect to keep and what we would like to keep.

If you need to reach me you must call my cell phone. I don't always carry the phone with me, so please leave a message if I don't answer.

Sincerely
(WW)

So after getting this letter I call her and we talk a bit. I tell her she can see our cat but that it would be tough because I didn't want to be around her when she was there. She said that was rude of me (she still wants to be friends). I told her I couldn't be around her because it wouldn't be fair to anyone that I am in a future relationship with, plus the longer I go w/out seeing her the easier it is to move on. Everytime I see her those feelings stir up. She then asked me if I was going to her sister's twins birthday party. I love this boys dearly and they love me (her sister made sure she knew that she wanted me there because the twins would be upset if I wasn't). I told her I had planned on going, but I asked if OM was going with her(this is OM#2 who she is now living with after only knowing him for less than 4 weeks). She said he was going to go. I told her then I wouldn't be there, I would go see them some other time. She then closed off by saying she still loved me, but in a completly different way. What does that mean?

So, I think I will still wait for her to file. Is that a good idea? I know I had been trying to get used to the idea of DV, but I just don't think I was ready for it just yet. This has all happened so fast that my head is spinning.

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: StillCan'tBelieveIt ]</small>

Did you move to a plan B? Did you do a plan A beforehand?
Haven't caught the beginning of your story, but it seems to me that you are sort of in a plan B BUT still having contact.... right? For example, no contact would mean, no more meetings with her at in-laws, right?
If she wants to file, she files. There's nothing for you to stop that.

I'm sort of new to all that, but that's what's going through my mind.... maybe an old hand on the forum can offer an opinion?

Best regards & lots of luck
Nick

Read "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson.
I think if you have a good Plan A foundation it is time for Plan B. Have you done a Plan B letter?

How do you feel about the division of property? is there a reason you don't want to just give her the cat so you don't have to deal with the visitation thing?

It takes months to get a divorce. I think you should tell her you just want her to be happy (BUT be fair as far as what you want with the division of property - its NOT just about her and what she wants). Proceed with Plan B and act "as if" divorced. Hopefully she will come around before it goes through - you can drag it out a little, but don't tell her that. I'm sorry she is putting you through this - I hope she realizes what she is doing before it is too late.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, I think I will still wait for her to file. Is that a good idea? I know I had been trying to get used to the idea of DV, but I just don't think I was ready for it just yet. This has all happened so fast that my head is spinning.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ISCBI;
I'm willing to bet that in a short time period, OM#2 and your W will begin to have problems...seems like they barely know each other and moved in together so fast. Seems more like "I want to get away", than "I want to live with you".
Wait for her to file. Plan B in the menatime. Can you live without the cat? Let her have it. Avoid the contact issue. IMHO, of course.

I cannot and will not give up our cat. Neither one of us had planned on having children. So our cat was the closest we would ever get. We rescued her when she was dumped and she wasn't even fully weaned. She has helped me get through these long nights. I will not give her up. I know it would be tough to deal with, but it has to be done. I will figure out some way that she can see our cat without me there.

I sent her an email telling her I thought we needed to slow done, things were moving way too fast. I also told her that I still loved her her and I always will, and that is why we should try to keep future contact to a minimum because it wouldn't be fair to anyone we are in a future relationship with. I also told her that I hope she can find someone that makes her as happy as she has made me. I closed by thanking her for the last seven years, they have been the best of my life.

I don't know if I should have sent that, but I did.

The cat is not legally considered anything but property, and you do not have to give her visitation rights to it. It's up to you, but if she does go through with the DV, I'd fight the visitation. Seeing her every week or 2 for the rest of the cat's life just seems silly to me. That's my opinion, but some logical decisions just hurt and realize that SHE is making the decision to leave and SHE will have to face the consequences. Most judges will tell her to drop the visitation idea b/c it's not a child. You might go to a shelter and just pick her up a new kitten so that she can have a new cat that's all hers.

Running the danger of appearing cold-hearted and not understanding you: Hey, give me a break! It's only a cat, a c-a-t! it's not a human being! You and your WW are humans on the other hand, so surely you should have priority! Forget about the cat!

Dont get me wrong - I do love cats, had 4 of them. Great creatures, really. but in the larger scheme of things I think its dangerous to make them more 'humanoid' than they are - they are not ersatz-kids, never can be, never will be, they are just, well, animals.

Hope I wont get the wrath of all cat lovers with this post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I cannot and will not give up our cat. Neither one of us had planned on having children. So our cat was the closest we would ever get. We rescued her when she was dumped and she wasn't even fully weaned. She has helped me get through these long nights. I will not give her up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SCBI,

I am sorry for what you are going through. If you are familiar with my posts, you will know that my WW filed for DV 3 weeks ago.

As to the cat, the WW and I have 2. The oldest we have had the entire 14 years of marriage. The last one is just 2 years old. We, too, have no children.

I guess one of the things that I found odd in my situation, is that the WW was always the "soft-hearted" one with animals. Our cats were found as stray kittens, and living in a rural area, I also felt sorry for them but had all intentions of leaving them outside and caring for them.

But...the WW says no way...bring them in the house. So we did. For years the oldest was our "baby". The youngest, the 2 year old, became a special member of the family, too.

What has really, really, got me is that the WW has never mentioned keeping the cats, nor even mentioned them. As far as trying to analyze her in the past several weeks, that was one of the factors that made me decide that the WW was NOT the person I married. It appeared that every emotional tie to our marriage she had discarded.

If I am not mistaken, NasaKid has it correct in that animals are "property", and as such there is no such thing as visitation. My cats, too, have helped me through my ordeal. Watching their funny behavior, and their frequent wanting attention was keeping me sane. I can tell you from my perspective that she is NOT keeping the cats. She walked out on the marriage, and them too.

My WW not placing our cats on a high priority has shown me just how much she changed. There was a time that she would have killed for them. That alone has probably added to my decision that my M is 99% going to truly end in DV. Not trying to get any hopes up for you, but by your WW still considering the cat tells me that she still has an emotional tie to your R.

Hang in there, and keep your head high. I know that is tough. But I am a little deeper into the same situation that you are, and know that contact with the WW will only set YOU back. I have been there.

Even though I still love my wife very much, I have found that there in less than a 1% chance of my M not ending in DV within the next few weeks. I have found that the best way to handle that is to avoid contact of any kind.

If she does not live with you, and I assume by your post that she doesn't, it is tough s**t on her part about the cat. Her not being able to see the cat is her problem, and DO NOT make it a problem for you. May sound cruel, but that is reality. As far as legally, she can do nothing about it. That would be no different than her wanting to come and see every now and then a certain painting, piece of furniture, etc. So...she's not going to be able to do anything to "force" you to let her do it. But...that is not legal advice, and if you haven't already, see an attorney. He will probably tell you the same.

It's a rough ride, but gets easier with time. I know. I am in the middle of one myself. But..if she really want to cut you loose, then make her cut you loose.

My philosophy is that even if she has all intentions of filing for DV, and really wanting one, she will still try to set things up in a way where she can "draw" strength from you during all of this. DO NOT let her do that. This is one thing SHE has to do ALONE. That will make the reality for her a little clearer.

I know my WW will be at any deposition that I have to give. But you can be that when she is giving hers, I will leave the room. I will let her see what "alone" in a tough situation is all about. Sure....her attorney will be there with mine, but I won't be. Because no matter if you are going to go through DV, there is still comfort to be found in you by her. DO NOT let her have it. Now is the time for her to stand on HER feet.

Maybe, just maybe, she will find out that she in not as strong as she thinks, without you. 99% says that the OM won't be there.

hcii

This is the way it is, and you won't be able to convince me otherwise. Yes the cat is not a human-being, right now I consider that a plus. Look how human's treat each other. Legally I got the cat before we were married, so It's probably going to go to me and it will be up to me how much I let her see it. I understand that some of you think this is silly, but everyone has different beleifs. I personally think that humans are not any better than any other species on this planet. Sure, humans are smarter, but does that really make us better. I love all animals, and I think every species is special in it's own unique way. I certianly don't think humans are better than anything else just different. So yes, the cat is just an animal, but so am I. You may not believe any of what I said, but those are my beliefs, I will not try and force them upon you, but I do appreciate your thoughts.

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: StillCan'tBelieveIt ]</small>

Okay now some of you are going to think I'm crazy, but here is something else I worry about. Whenever my W and I would go on vacation, when we came back our cat would have a bald spot on her belly. After a couple of times we asked the Vet about it at her next checkup. Our Vet said that she was suffering from anxiety when we were gone (yes animals have emotions too). He said it is common for cats to overclean a part of their body, espically the stomach area, when they are suffering from anxiety. Well since the seperation, our cat has nearly cleaned her belly raw, just a huge bald spot there. So clearly our cat is suffering from not having my W around. I know you may think this is crazy, but my W used to love our cat dearly like I do. That is why I also think she is just a completly different person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is the way it is, and you won't be able to convince me otherwise. Yes the cat is not a human-being, right now I consider that a plus. Look how human's treat each other. Legally I got the cat before we were married, so It's probably going to go to me and it will be up to me how much I let her see it. I understand that some of you think this is silly, but everyone has different beleifs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SCBI,

I totally AGREE with you on the cats. I know that in the right situation, I would probably kill for mine. They have become my "children". I hope you didn't misread my post.

As to your cat suffering anxiety, I can relate to that. Have had many conversations with Vets, and have read a lot about them.

One thing funny, though, that is different to your situation is this:

The oldest of our cats, the 14-year old, would occasionally get a little sick. Sometimes around every couple of weeks or so. But you know what? Coincidentally, she HAS NOT been sick ONCE, in over 2 months that my wife left! Imagine that! That blows me away!

But....even before the WW walked out I sort of blamed it on the perfumes, sprays, etc.

hcii

I know this maybe not the case but animal visitation was a big problem to one of my best friends.

His exw and him arrived to the agreement of having her have the pet dogs (3) on set visitation days.
He agreed because the dogs had been something she always held dear etc etc, the problem, she'd use them to keep tabs on him.

She'd show up late, or extremely early, she'd register the house while visiting looking for evidence on him dating (she was the WW BTW).

When he started dating again and his gf moved in she had a fit saying the dogs would be stressed, (but she was mad because the dogs adored the new gf). It went from bad to worse, she demanded a key to the apartment because the dogs here like "her kids" and she wanted to be able to get in if her exH mistreated them.

He learnt his lesson and had to fill a restraining order. The court had given him posession of the dogs and he was just acting out of good faith.

Just keep the cat, she left, too bad, the cat will get over the shock after a while, I know by experience, because I had to leave my baby cat back at home when I moved overseas for my WH.

Just pet your cat regularly, play with it, maybe buy 2 kittens, one for your WW and one to make company to your cat.

hcii

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope you didn't misread my post.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't misread your post, those comments were for the previous poster who said "Forget about the Cat." I appreciate your input. I am thinking about taking the Cat to the Vet to see what can be done.

Hi,

I'm in a similar boat - 2 cats, no kids. When I left (yes, I had to be the one - she certainly wasn't going anywhere except crazy), they stayed with her for a while. Then I took them, by agreement beforehand. They're now in a better environment - an actual house, not an apartment. So I don't know - I think they're pretty happy - no bizarre licking behaviors.

I agree... Get a new cat for her, or give her the current one and you get a new one. I know that it feels like your child, but you can live a far less complicated life by "letting go" here.

I'm sorry, I know some of you will not be able to understand this, but it's just not as easy as getting a new cat. Neither one of us would be willing to do that. If you really pay attention to cats, you find out that each one has a distinct personality. So, know I don't think either one of us would be willing to do that. You may think I'm crazy, but that's who I am.

So, let your W get her own cat.

Sorry, I think we got off track here.

Now, about your MARRIAGE...

I think things will change. OM probably is pressuring her to shake you loose. She wants everything to be nice and smooth - friendly. Lot's of people having an affair want that. You don't have to give it to her. On the other hand, if you read Dobson's book Love Must be Tough you will find the idea of "letting the bird out of the cage". By that theory, you just say "Ok", yes, lets hurry up and get divorced - with all simulated gladness that you can muster. You don't call, don't tell her you love her, don't persue her in any way. But, when you have contact with her, be pleasant and happy.

-AD

Thanks AD. I think that is good advice. I will just tell her that I am not ready for this, but if it makes her happy then that's what I want.

StillCan'tBelieveIt,

Please don't make a major life decision based on my "advice". My life is messed up too.

Take the time to read the book.

OK?

-AD

I emailed WW and told her I thought it was too soon to file for DV, but I wanted her to be happy.

She called me and sounded mad at me. It's like she wrote the letter, then wanted me to file or something. I think OM is pressuring her to get DV, because she called him right after she got off the phone with me. I don't think she wants me to leave it up to her. She tells me she wants the DV right now, but then a few seconds later, says she still loves me.

"I'll ride the wave where it takes me. I hold the pain. Release Me" -Pearl Jam