Honey,
We are waiting to see what happened last night! I hope things went well for you and that your H at least called. Give us the update girl......you are in our thoughts!

MAX

Here is the Update:

I really liked Jenn a lot... we had good repoire I believe... it sounds to me like she works well with most people... as my H did well with her too...

H called me 30 minutes prior to session wanting to know If I could cancel... well, told him I wasnt planning on it.. since there is a fee if canceled... less than 24 hrs in advance (wonder why?)

Well he did call in, we connected.. she told us a bit about MB, and since H has read parts of the website and me lots... and the books... she was pleased that we knew the program... kind of anyway.

Jenn sd she would spend 10 min with each of us then get us together...

basically we each told our sides for 10 minutes...

then came back together... she asked what would prevent us from getting back together (love busters... mostly is what we both listed, and a couple of needs.. my h's need was for me to lose weight.. my need was for financial support... NOW during seperation.. which is not happening.

H's big time lb's that I commit that he says must stop or happen... for us to work on things:
(basically I already knew... ) but with jenns guidance I feel I have someone helping guide H onto recovery.... (he was not listening to me)

1. Using the phone as a weapon (my calls to his parents, grandmother... and even his friends- all mind you in desperation over the A>>>)
2. I must be consistent (he claims he does not know if I will be teary, upset or calm... or sarcastic.. etc.)- he wants the same all the time...
3. Maturity- he says I dont have it.
4. Must lose weight... (well I am dieting and working out daily (almost)- and he wants me wedding day weight I guess or size 4. I want it to so that is OK>.. thought I still know I am no pig now.
5. Remorse for my actions, he wants to see it.
6. For me to care what I say to him and others.. more... (not always saying whatever I think or being so direct).
7. Watching what I say (above I guess)\
8. Stopping my constant phone calls to H. (BIG ONE!)

Well that is all I remember right now...

these were mine:
1. Workiing on drinking, aa possibilities.
2. honestly and no more lies.
3. no more women, getting rid of the maid... and others like her.
4. Financial support while seperated ... as he should be doing.
5. Watching how he talks to me, and not being so cruel.

Well.. not so sure H is as agreeable as me to trying..

Jenn sd.. we might as well try...

younger son even (3) got on phone and sd he wanted to see daddy during call.. kind of heartbreaking...

Jenn helped sugggest to H.. that we try doing these things... suggested some outside cousneling for each of us to achieve these goals... and maybe meds if needed... aa, etc. Sd she is only a teacher on mb principles and cannot cure the other ailments h and I have... so alanon for me... sponser.. etc.

She suggested we call back in when ready for another session... (I am on budget)

she asked h initially to talk to me 3x a day for 15 min. per time on phone... he did not want to... so he agreed to every other day....

during phone calls we are suppossed to report progress and what we are doing...

she mentioned rule of care and protection and not doing anything to hurt the other... It all makes sense, but this has been so hard with my H's attitude... toward me...

It helped to hear her say I had to care about and respect him and not treat him in ways he did not want to be treated... so this is my goal... for now... we will see if my H can do this stuff.

Thanks for caring how it went... all in all .. very well.. I am sure I left some things out... but I am feeling more hopeful.. funny, I already knew most of the stuff... but having a helper with the plan and someone else to guide MY H.. down this GREAT MB path that can produce recovery is wonderful and worth every penny.

Thanks a million friends, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
4.

Yay! thanks for the report! I think it sounds really good.

Just remembered.. Jenn also mentioned that EVEN IF H DOES NONE OF suggested recovery stuff... at least I do my part... and then I will know I did my best... ! GOOD IDEA>>> RIGHT? If other tidbits of advice po into my head I will post here.. I am at work and my notes are at home... I will print this out as a helpful rememinder as I go on assignment!

She sd we are going at this double barrell and giving this the best possible effort to make things work... for the sake of the boys... she also mentioned part of why this happened was all the stress of the boys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I knew it... but it is so sad to lose your love of your life when you have stress and kids... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hugs to all of you, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

sounds good Honey. Hopefully you guys can do it again next week?!

thanks luv n protect and everyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Feeling like I have a plan... hope H decides to try it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But I am going to do my best.... H

Honey,

I'm so happy that you two had an appointment with Jen ! You sound so much better. Yes, having a plan is comforting, something to focus on instead of "everything"

Honey, I would highly recommend you get the new edition of Love Busters . There is a section on addiction & stories of couples who overcame the addictions AND their marrital problems. It talked about what was needed to be done and special considerations for those involve with addiction.

I think Orchid had mentioned this in one of her posts, and I heartily second it. I had the old edition of Love Busters and delayed getting it ...had it....finances...But I am so glad that I did.

I am going to post this on a separate thread as I know others are dealing with the same issues.

God Bless,

D.

Thanks D.. have thought about this.. my self help library is very overflowing.. but can invest in this on... we are actively working on reducing the lb's..

Good sign so far... with less calls from me... H is calling me a LITTLE more.. called late last night and today told me he wanted to come over and spend the night.... he had younger son, and he was left at home... and anyway... I liked that he wanted to come over.. I was asleep as he called a little late.. and he thought I must be out on a date- I told him I was asleep... as I do not want him to worry... no need.

Anyway... it is good that I know he still cares.

Jenn also sd my H is angry - very angry... she sd this is a very good sign...a s if he was just complacent over all of this... withdrawl signs.. then he would not be caring... or he would be harder to deal with or bring back in...

I love him so much, I am so torn and hurt over so much confusion... it is crazy... but working with dealing with more positive interactions.. hello! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and quiting all the neg. ones.. is a real goal for me now... should of been doing this all along.. and I did more in the beginning.. but not as much lately... MY H is prob. not one to deal with plan b.. well... execpt missing me will hurt for him...

Anyway... he ddid and does still throw hurtful comments at me.. and boy do they sting.. Jenn sd this was just his anger. I have to be the bigger person in order to help save our family. That I can do.

Hugs, HONEY

Sounds like good stuff, but I had to laugh at the size four thing. I haven't been a size four ever I think. Well, maybe when I was four and wore a 4T.....

But if you think it is reasonable, and it is something that you want for yourself also then by all means go for it.

You keep working my sweet, do your best, that is all anyone can ask.

E

thanks ELiz, he is being quite demanding over rather stupid stuff... what ws isnt? Well, I noticed it more and more on the phone yesterday... he was quite mean... hardly even feel like talking to him now.... and I need to get ys back... he stayed 2 nights... which I dont even like... I dont like the way my family is all split up... obviously this is quite normal to my H... being this is the way he grew up... can you guys tell I am still angry at his father? workign on letting go?! I will now make a polite phone call to arrange ys coming home along wtih getting the first money I have seen in months.

Honey