Does anyone know the signs that your spouse is cheating or thinking of cheating?

I bet some organized prson has a list..
But off hand I would say,

appearences have changed
not where they are supposed to be
guarding pager or cell phone,
more computer time than usual
wanting to do more things alone (space)
straying from usual pattern of behavior

just a few hope it helps.

blessed,
Welcome to MB.

I found this for you. Read through this and see if it helps a little, k?

How did you find out your partner was having an affair?

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

The following is from the www.dearpeggy.com site. I found her site right after d-day and it helped the most for me.

Suspicions of an Affair
by Peggy Vaughan

Often the first signal of an affair is a gut feeling that something is wrong. Most people reported having this feeling, although it varied in the way it appeared. For some it was a sudden feeling that resulted from a "casual comment or incident," while for others it came as a growing feeling of uneasiness, simply "intuition."

Casual Comments or Incidents:
Sometimes the first signal of an affair is a casual comment or incident that seems harmless on the surface, but is felt as an indication that something is wrong. Even though it may seem plausible on a "rational" level, on an emotional level it "registers" as some kind of danger (stimulating a kind of "fight or flight" reaction).

Intuition:
The first signals are seldom the stereotypical things like lipstick on the collar or strange phone calls. They're usually much more subtle, more of an intuitive reaction to changes in a partner's behavior, a sense that "something is different."

Following is a list of some of these changes.

more distant
more preoccupied with job, home, or outside interests
more attentive to clothes and accessories
more focused on weight and appearance
more absent from home with time unaccounted for
more glued to the TV set than usual
more interested in trying new things sexually than before
less attentive
less willing to talk or spend time together
less available emotionally
less interested in family issues
less interested in sex than usual
less involved in shared activities
It's tempting to look at this list, find that many of the items fit your partner's behavior, and jump to the conclusion that they're having an affair; but it's not that simple. Determining whether or not there's any significance to the changes in behavior depends on evaluating both the number of areas of change and the degree of change. For instance, changes in only a few areas would not be as significant as changes in many different areas. And very slight changes would not be as significant as more drastic ones.

But even if there has been a great deal of change in a large number of areas, this does not necessarily signal an affair. There are many reasons for such changes in behavior that have nothing to do with affairs, one of the most likely being an increased level of stress in the work environment. Other possible causes include concerns about health, aging, family, or finances. Whether or not the changes are due to an affair, they indicate a problem that needs to be discussed.

-----
"Clues" that your Partner is Having an Affair
by Peggy Vaughan

The first signals of an affair are seldom the stereotypical signs we first consider. They're usually much more subtle, more of an intuitive reaction to changes in a partner's behavior&#8212;a sense that "something is different." No matter how careful a person is to hide an affair, these "clues" can't be easily concealed.

Pulling Away: when you sense your partner pulling away&#8212;creating an emotional distance between you (because they now need to protect a secret).

Changes in Normal Patterns of Behavior: spending more time away from home, paying more attention to their appearance, being less attentive, being less (or more) interested in sex&#8230;

Comments or Actions that are "Out of Character:" making casual comments about new, unfamiliar interests or acting in unfamiliar ways (like becoming more outgoing, less serious).

Being Irritable, Vague, Distracted, "In Their Own World:" ignoring or criticizing any effort you make to question their actions or even engage them in discussing personal issues.

Your own rationalization: if you are repeatedly discounting clues of an affair and trying to convince yourself that YOUR partner wouldn't have an affair, this may be the biggest clue of all.

WARNING: These are only clues (not proof) that your partner is having an affair; so it's wise not to jump to conclusions. Other possible reasons for these behaviors include concerns about health, aging, or finances. But whatever the reason for these changes, they probably indicate a problem that needs to be addressed.

This is the best site I've found about signs of infidelity. Your gut feeling is also one of the most important signs.

http://www.infidelity.com/why-cheaters-cheat/articles/28-tell-tale-signs-pt7.htm

Thank all of you for your very informative replies. They have helped me a great deal.

When I first read one of these lists, I was like, "Oh my gosh, that's totally my situation!" But, then I thought about it... and I myself exhibited many of these signs. The only signs you'll know for sure are if you catch them in the act or they tell you.

Otherwise, you live in a fog of confusion, suspicion, and lies. THAT is the only other sign you can really put any faith in. Even then, you should snoop and find evidence before putting much trust in it. Thus is the road to paranoia.

I would recommend first of all; LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS! Most people here will tell you that their gut feeling turned out to be correct.

Also, all of these, and those posted by others, are INDICATORS. Not absolutes; so use your judgment and investigate further if you see many of them playing out.

Here's a list I got from somewhere:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 50 Indicators of Infidelity.</strong>

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And here's a link to a fairly extensive article on the subject:

28 Tell-Tale Signs of a Cheating Spouse

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

My H did the following:

-started worrying about his work clothes (she was an employee), even ironing them! And buying new ones
-Started working out, lost 30 pounds
-talked about her all of the time, but in a 'platonic' way (yeah, right)
-very distant to me
-acted like he hated me and I was the worst person ever
-told me he didn't love me, never had
-compared me to her (and I lost out every time)
-this was the best one....asked me to call her and get together with her BECAUSE SHE WAS LONELY! This was during the affair which they both denied (she was my former best friend)

I wish I had trusted my feelings. But they both lied (for 6 years) so I guess I couldn't have known the truth anyway

blessed, one of the most important guides are your gut feelings. You can't go on instincts alone but when you find yourself rationalizing them away there is usually a problem. I was one of those that always dismissed my instincts as no more reliable than midevel superstitions. NEVER AGAIN. All of my instincts were DEAD ON and I ignored them to my great regret. NEVER AGAIN.

blessed

I told you there would be others with more insight.. wow spasecase is very organized. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't forget strange outbreaks of cold sores on their lips. <shudders>

For behold, the telephone revealeth all.

This thread rings so true!

And don't forget after the A has been discovered: that they will do ANYTHING to support it, protect it, and maintain it if they feel TRAPPED.

My H will disregard ANYTHING that I have to say that supports or defends marriage w/o affairs because it just supports "my point of view" and not his.

It becomes a vicious circle that needs to be slowly broken by one partner. Tough one to do, too.

Once again, thank you for all your input. I did see some of these things in my husband including the gut feeling most of you talked about. And it turns out he did have someone. It was in April and lasted 2 weeks (ended when I confronted him). The reason I asked the question is I did not want to be blind-sided if it should happen again. He is doing everything he can to win back my trust, but I still struggle. I have seen changes in him that does not help, like putting his Christianity on a back burner. I want so much to have the oneness God intended for our marriage, but how can we if he ignores God? Then that makes me not trust him, because if he doesn't trust in God he can fall into the same trap, right? Please pray. I hurt for him, for us. I want the trust back, I want our marriage to work. Thank you and God bless you.