..it's been awhile since i posted..things have been going great there for awhile but we're kind of in this rut of ..what's the word...complacency? or maybe it's comfortability..whatever it is, we're kind of just going with the flow..not really working on trying to improve our marriage but not really doing anything to make it worse.. i don't know if that is a good thing for bad thing??

my husband and i carpool to work together... i get off at 4:45pm and he gets off at 5pm.. we work about 2 blocks from each other so it takes him about 5 minutes to get to where i'm at... well i'm expecting him to pick me up and it's about 5:30 and he's still not there.. i call his work, no answer.. Now it's 5:45pm and i'm really worried.. i start calling all our friends and no one has heard from him.. i wait a little longer and now it's 6:00pm and i'm sick with worry! He finally arrives at 6:10pm and as soon as i see him i begin crying with relief that he is okay..

He begins to tell me that his company had a important meeting and the big boss was there and they were getting a chewing out becuz they haven't been meeting their productivity or goals.. i'm understanding at first and then he says somehting like this " it's a good thing i didn't have to go to the bathroom or pick up derrick (his son) becuz then i would have been gone from taht meeting!"

That comment hurt me becuz it made me feel like going to the bathroom and picking up his son were of the utmost important.. well how about calling his wife to tell her he will be late coming to pick her up???

I tried to explain to him why i was so hurt and upset.. he took it, like i didn't understand about a last minute company meeting.. That wasn't it at all.. he was so upset that he cursed me.. (he never does that unless he's reallly mad and that is not often) So i was quiet and didn't say anything from that point on... so why do i feel like i did something wrong?

Can anyone tell me how i can rectify this.. I want to talk about it to him.. I just want him to tell me that if he is put in the same situation again that he at least will try some way to get a message to me.. but how can i explain this to him without making it seem like I don't understand about a company meeting? I know if this were me and i had done this to him.. even if i was 10 minutes late.. I would have heard all kinds of things from.. You're cheating, who were you with? (for anyone who doesn't know, i am married to the man i had an affair with)

I try so hard to let him know, if i'm going to be late, when i'm leaving the office things like this so I don't have to hear it when i walk in teh door..

Should i just let it go? we haven't spoken really since last night..

When you see your DH this evening (when he picks you up) give him a smile and a kiss. Ask him if you can talk to him about yesterday, and let him know you are not trying to start a fight or anything like that.

Tell him that you are sorry things went they did yesterday when this was brought up. Explain to him that you were not angry that he had a meeting and that you perfectly understand that things come up but that you were really worried something had happened to him. Mention that if he can, the next time he has a mtg. at the end of the day if he could try to call you that you would really appreciate it. Even if it's something to say we have a mtg. around 4:30 and there is a chance I might be late, so don't worry. Let him know you are not asking him to "check in" with you.

Again, at the end, mention that you do realize things come up at the last minute, and you are not mad at him, but that you do worry because you care. Again mention that you are sorry for the way things went yesterday, and you are sorry if you seemed mad, but that you were not, you were merely very worried.

I hope this helps, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Take care.

Unless you accused him of picking up his affair in that time, I don't think that was a major LB... it was part of life. There's a good chance that one of your annoyances with him is lack of common courtesy or something.

Talitha,

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone here.

I would also suggest that you continue with your approach: to call him when you learn you'll be late. Set the example for the behavior you expect of him. If his lateness continues, perhaps you might want to lower your expectation a bit too. If for example, he should be there at 5 to pick you up, work a few minutes later and be ready to go home at 5:10. Then, when you meet up, ask him if you two should renegotiate your carpool arrangements.

Just a suggestion. I realized that this tactic has worked with me and my kids. They are in marching band and often times practices will run really, really late. (Their director is a "win at all costs guy" and just before major competitions, he will run the kids ragged.) So, when timing doesn't work right, it might be the higher road to give your H a few more minutes.

Patience is a learned virtue, and I am learning all I can about it while trying to play poker with less than a full deck. My H is in the midst of a MLC, and is having an A and we are separated. So, sometimes I have to really do some serious negotiation in order to accomplish even the simplest of family responsibilities. The more rope I give H, the more I seem to sometimes (operative word is sometimes) get.

Good luck.