My H seems to be having a huge MLC. Did a complete 180 on me! He was a quiet, laid back, easy going person, responsible, caring, intelligent. Honest and while our marriage wasn't "perfect" (whose is?), we did get along well, and we did support each other and he was just a great dad.

Now, he's become someone I am very uncomfortable to be around, particularily with his affair. He seems to be giving up his family, marriage, and home for this affair.

I'll admit, things haven't been easy around here, especially since our separation 3 months ago. We had to date: a chimney fire, a broken water pump (we are on our on well), our D had an accident and we are experiencing legal/financial problems in addition to other financial problems due to his irresponsibility the last year or so.

Everything to him is "it's only money," "it's only this..." Minimizes nearly everything to me.

Has affair because it's "enjoyment" for him or "fun." He puts on a lot of airs around me, wears his GF's gifts (jewlery) all the time around me, acts as if I were the problem in the marriage all of the time (but then does a guilt trip thing by saying he enabled a lot of it). He told me today that I never valued him as a person and that he dealt with it.

I am having trouble with this... it's like he will say anything to knock at me, or to hit my self esteem even lower. I try so hard to avoid his knocks... he used to be a very supportive person. Quiet, not very talkative, but great with the family and to me. Was never antagonistic like this, but never a passive person, either.

Are there any husbands out there who went through this? How did your wives deal with it? Any successes out there?

Had a really rough day with H today... had plenty of bad news today, had to call him. Bawled for an hour and all he told me was I wanted a "slave." I learned from the attorney today that I too may lose my license due to D's accident (financial responsibility laws in this state, and he neglected to pay the auto insurance premium). I asked him if he could jump in and lend extra time to chauffeuring kids if this indeed happened... All I got was grief.

Thanks.

bluekeys,

This is the second time tonight I have typed this in and lost it!!!oops!!

I feel for you and the pain that you are feeling, the hurt and the anger that you are going thru right now.

I too have a STBX H that is having a MLC, turned 40, wasn't sure about his career, contact with old HS "Friend", son that just graduated. Balding too!!!

It's very hard to watch the person that you love with your whole being, acting & behaving ways that you are not use to. People all around my H ae hurt by what it is he is doing, especially his 3 kids.

I try to view my STBX H as having an illness that he needs love and support to get thru this. It's very hard when he is 850 miles away!! We have been seperated abaout 10 months now, there is not much hope of him coming home as he has what he needs now in his life to "Be happy", didn't know that he was unhappy!!!

This is a site that I found useful, someone here passed it on to me, and perhaps you have already seen it, am not sure!

I will be here for awhile tonight if you want or need to talk!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html

Thanks, Daybreak.

I had actually read that article. It's insightful as all h e double toothpicks, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We're both making divorce noises, but truthfully I'm not willing to give up. I see signs of guilt in him, and honestly... I should have seen this coming although I will not take the full burden of the state of our marriage on my shoulders.

He is simply giving me many confused and mixed signals these days. Much contradictory behavior out of him, and I'll admit I probably pressured him way too much by demanding "her or me."

He does feel trapped, and I want him to understand that this marriage and our family and our home are just as valid choices in his life as what is is doing. Unfortunatley, he sees this as me controlling his options. Uh... 'scuse me (I do have a sense of sarcasm about all of this, which doesn't help), but he did help to create this family, home, and life. And while he is responsible for much of it still (at least monetarily), I do not wish for him to resent it. I want to find ways to demonstrate to him that it can be a very positive and valid choice for him.

I do not believe he has "changed" as much as he wishes me to believe. Some external things have changed: dress and appearance. But even under the angry and cruel attitude, I see certain sparks in him. He seems to be in denial that possibly what he is doing is self-destructive, but I do not want to point that out to him. Makes him too defensive. I do not want to make him feel trapped because there are a boatload of problems here on the home front (we have huge financial problems due in large part to his irresponsibility this past year, this money pit of a house, and four daughters who adore him and he is afraid of just coming back for the "kids' sake." I want him to know that I do support him (except for affairs), love him very much, and think the world of him. I do... and, in some ways, I think he is just rebelling simply because life did get very difficult here, and because I understand the necessity of questioning and re-evaluating the purpose of one's life.

I hope that eventually some spouses (hopefully men) will contribute to this thread. How had your wives helped you through this? How, in your view, did they overcome their anger and resentment so that you felt comfortable enough to begin to understand each other? A friend of mine described my marriage right now as "particles in collision."

I'll admit: I too had been undergoing quite a bit of life-questioning myself. I do desire to remain married to this man (monogamously, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) if at all possible. But, I saw our four girls growing up, a career of mine taking off quite well and taking me away from some other high priorities (this M), and didn't catch him in a questioning/confused/depressed state right away.

This is certainly a difficult journey...

Hi Bluekeys,

Did my H have an MLC? I am not sure. He showed the signs of that and bi-polar disorders run in his family. But old and young alike run the same gamit of emotions and lead all us BS' in the same stupid vicious A circle.

I have been through many of what you are going through. In my case maybe both the OP and Ws were going through some sort of Crisis, but why give me the same grief?!??! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Regardless of the reason (I did a lot of research when I first started and tried to find a reason for his A - I couldnt - at least not one that made any sense), the A happened and for many of us the 'tough love' approach became necessary.

When the spouse turns into the WS, it is an ugly thing. The first attact is usally on the surviving spouse (who still retains their marriage title - LOL!! ) then it branches out to children, family, friends, work, etc. Yet they claim it is a great thing - this A of theirs.

That is where I focused my attention. After I got over the hurt and pain, was tired of all the anxiety and frustation, I learned to 'babble back' and used their stupid illogic on them. Guess what? They don't like it and I was even able to cause the OW to LB the Ws. Made me feel better. I don't regret it either. It was subtle and smooth. Of couse it took time, patience and I had to pray for a calm hear t and a clear mind so that I could still navigate through the rough A waters that were constantly trying to trip me up or even drown me.

In my case the OW was out to ruin me. The dumb broad didn't even meet me. Her assumptions made an a$$ out of herself but it took time to prove that. My sig line says that we are in recovery but for me it took over 1 year AFTER he came home. Still kinda fresh recovery at that but I am much stronger and keep plan B in my back pocket. He knows!

Hope this helps.

L.

Wow Orchid... what a story! You'll have to fill me in on a few details that you've attempted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess turnabout is fair play. My H recently called me a "half-mom." This came about during a relatively calm discussion, too. Talking about something I had to do for one of the kids, and mentioned that I may not have time to get it done because of work and a therapist's appointment. He dug in on me, and that's where the slam came in. I couldn't avoid that... I seriously Lb'd that one. I turned to him and asked him what he thought of his OW--living a few blocks away, doing a bimbo limbo with him as often as possible overnight, blatantly in front of her teenager and two (preschool) young daughters. That shut him up!

In my case, the OW is just blatant about it all. She just doesn't care about anyone she steps on apparently. Her H knows, she parks her car in my H's driveway over night, and answers his cell phone. Literally told me one time that she didn't like me interfering with her fun! (Plus, a few other things... but, we won't go there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .) She's simply immature. And he's just wanting someone who will "listen" to him and have "fun." They both think that this lifestyle is a valid choice. I do not know what life is like in OW's marriage. I like to imagine that she is getting the same grief at home from her S and I am from mine.

I'm really trying hard to play it cool with H and work on myself. It's very hard though because he doesn't see some of the overwhelming responsibility he's dumped on me, and that causes me a lot of resentment. Just doing what I have to do with him. And yet it is very hard right now with some of the problems between us (money, house, kids... ugh).

I've also been hanging out at divorcebusting.com and ordered Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedies. CAn't wait for them to arrive. I couldn't even afford them used, but what the heck? I can figure out a way to pay $20 or $30 on my credit card if H can figure out a way to pay rent for a love shack, right?

He he he... I'm starting to think that this MLC thing can be turned to my advantage. Now, if I can only find a way to be livin' large like he is, and not damage my kids or financial standing... life might be a heck of a lot of fun.

I'm really having a difficult time today. Off and on line a bit on this site and divorcebusting because H has our youngest today and I know he'll be by again.