Hi, just found this site today.
I'm 37, husband of 10 years is 42, have two girls 5 and 7.
My husband has been married before, and that marriage failed because he seems unable to keep the communication up. The same thing happened in our marriage and I tried everything including counselling, but he refused to go.
Eventually I gave up trying and just tried to accept that I couldnt change him and that he just didnt need any emotional intimacy.
How wrong I was.
A few weeks ago, while at work (Police) a stranger I was dealing with told me my husband was having an affair. When confronted he admitted it. It started 2 years ago and is with a 22 year old associate from the small country town we live in.
As I travel regularly to visit my parents some 250 miles away they have had plenty of opportunity to spend time together in our house over the last 2 years. I usually go every 4 to 6 weeks for about a week at a time.

He broke off the affair when I found out and is now going to counselling with me. However contrary to what I have read on this site, our counsellor says there is no need to leave the town.

This other woman visits the lady opposite our home 2 or three times a week and makes a point of standing on the front lawn to talk directly in front of our front windows. Although she has no school aged children last week she went to my kids school with a friend and stood outside my 5 year olds classroom while I picked her up. Then rang my husband at work that night. So she obviously isnt going away.
Strangely enough I believe him when he says he will have nothing further to do with her.

I'm just finding the pain hard to deal with, especially with her constant presence. My husband bought her gifts and has done things with her that he has never done with me. I cant remember the last gift or card he bought me. He says he loves me and always has but he thinks the affair started because she showed interest in him and they could "TALK" so well.... If it was a lack of intimacy that caused the affair then I'm the one that should have been unfaithful.

Am I being a fool believing what he says, should I be thinking only of myself and our children now. I dont want to be a victim, i want to rule my own life but I have no direction. Should I leave?

Any ideas or comments gladly received.

I don't know if this will help, but I will try. I am rather new here too but I have been reading a lot for the past couple of weeks. The MB concepts say take extreme measures, it recomends moving away. I haven't seen many people here say they they have moved for this reason. I am going to click on SEARCH after this post and see for myself. I have talked to a couple of MC's myself and they don't think moving away is practical. (everyone here thinks my MC's are idiots)

Is you H in contact with this OW? If you move away whats to stop him. How far would you move?

Husband says no hes not in contact with her, when she rang him at work last week he tells me he said that she should leave me (his wife) alone as i've done nothing to her and she should get on with her life. Thats the only contact i know of. However I know she will try to contact him because the other day at work I was driving the police van (husband and I both are police) she drove past and obviously wanted to see if it was him in the vehicle, so she drove close to the van, saw me and took off.

If we moved it would be back to our closest Capital City about 250 miles away.

Robin1965 --

Welcome to MB. This is a warm refuge for many and a good place to come when you're hurting, lots of sound advice and caring. I hope that we'll be able to share our views in a helpful way with you.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. You seem to have an excellent grasp of the situation and what you've told us is certainly painful to read.

While the OW's presence and "appearances" in your lives creates additional layers of complication, the bottom line is your H and his ability to confront and remedy the situation. Either he WANTS to end the A with her and preserve your marriage or he doesn't. I don't think you're necessarily a fool for believing what he's telling you but I would watch his actions with you for the necessary signs of recommitment. He can't have it both ways and he needs to know that. I would add that "fog-ese" from your H may preclude the truth from him until he's out of the woods--meaning he may not even know what the truth is at this point. If it doesn't make sense, the fog is in.

Further, I don't believe that you should be "thinking only" of yourself and your children, but your protection and theirs is a critical issue--but you're not. Obviously, your marriage and relationship with your H need to be part and parcel of your thinking too. But you already are looking at all of the factors (which is one reason why you've posted here).

Should you leave? I vote no at this point. But if things become unbearable (as they did in my case), pack up and go (I did). If he wants to continue the A, you're probably not going to want to be around him. He SAYS it's over, but... Reconciliation must begin with him and his determination to "right the ship." Don't forget, he made the CHOICE to step outside the boundaries of your marriage; he's got to WANT to return (and you've got to want to have him).

Some positive signs here: he's going to counseling with you, he says that he broke off the A, and he's also told you a bit of the problem ("he thinks the affair started because she showed interest in him and they could "TALK" so well...") so he's at least aware of some of the issues. It's also a plus that apparently you remain involved and committed.

Negatives: an affair of two years, her presence in your home, two young girls to be considered, not to mention your anguish.

We're here for you. Please post again and maybe fill us in on YOUR feelings about his attitude (contrite, smug, hurt?); is he bothered by your pain? I'm sorry for what has brought you here but I'm very glad you've found us. Hang in and know that we'll keep you in our thoughts.

Ammon

Thanks for the comments, as most of you probably understand, my emotions go in waves, somedays (or hours) I can cope then the next it is all too painful and I cant cope. The anger gets me too. The other woman has left town for a week and it's been the best week since I found out, but shes due back any day now (i dont know the exact day but I'm sure she'll be straight in my face when she arrives) and I can feel the tension and stress rising already. Why cant she just move on with her life now that it's all out in the open and the relationship is over.

I suppose I may be suffering depression because all the things I used to love hold no interest for me now and I cant even make decisions about the most simple things.

Hi again, more questions.
Do all involved in affairs suffer withdrawl? My husband says he never thinks of her, doesnt want to see her, contact her. I find this strange as affair only ended when I found out 7 weeks ago. It lasted 2 years and if she was so important to him that he could betray his family, how can he cut her off without even a thought? Is he just in denial?

My husband has been honest (i think)and told me the when, how, where, what of the affair but he cant tell me WHY. He says he does not know and he cant even tell me what his thoughts were. Is this normal, is this fog, or what.

Any help or ideas from more experienced MB'ers would be great

<<<bump>>>

Hello robyn

As a FWW, I wanted to respond to your last question about withdrawl. My situation is a bit different in that I was beginning to end things when my H found out and it lasted only 7 weeks. However, I should say that I knew this guy years ago. Anyway, here is goes...from my perspective.

First, withdrawl. For me, there wasn't any withdrawl. Maybe this is because I was trying to break things off already. But I can honestly say that I have never once "missed" the OM since. Thought of him, yes. But those thought have always been negative. Although it may sound funny for someone in my position to say, recovery of my M was far more important than this guy. So, I committed to getting the M back on track and never looked back with any sort of fond feeling.

As for the reason why your H can't tell you WHY he had the A....maybe he doesn't yet have the vocabulary. Before and during the A, I couldn't tell you why. I could describe some things in my M that I didn't necessarily like. I just didn't have the terminology to make anything make sense. I also had some other personal issues that I didn't want to admit or face.

In the last 8 months, with the help of this site and many books, I have found that vocabulary. I have also found the ability and strength to face my personal problems and deal with them. Although, I have been a bit long winded about this, my point is that maybe your H just needs some education and some time to figure the why out.

Recovery of an M is a lot of hard work. Any one here will tell you that. There is lots to do on both sides. I would suggest a couple of things. First, counseling. Both individual and couple for both of you. Second, fill out the Emotional Needs Questionaire, exchange, and talk about them. This really helped us define where some problems were.

I hope I have been some sort of help. Good luck.

Regretting

Robin it's been a while since you posted. How are things going? How are you doing?

I've been where you are, I know the pain your dealing with. As many on this site do. WE are here for you.

Update us please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thanks for asking Sad Angel

Have been pretty good lately, went to the City with H and kids last week, had a romantic stay at a hotel for 2 nights (left the girls with their grandparents). H is being everything I could wish for (and did wish for over the last 2 years).

OW is being a pain in the butt, has recently driven past me and given rude gestures to me. Then yesterday I took the dog for a walk and her and her girlfriend drove past in an area they had no reason to be other than to check on H or me.
H and kids and I went to the movies today, had a great time, then when we pulled into out street OW was parked opposite our house at her friends, I could hear H sigh, so I just smiled at him and said "at least we can smile about it now"

So maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel? If I could just get over the mood swings and anger and questions and thinking about it too much .........................

But it certainly helps knowing I can vent here and everyone understands.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by robyn1965:
[QB]Thanks for asking Sad Angel
So maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel? If I could just get over the mood swings and anger and questions and thinking about it too much .........................

Thanks for the update Robyn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Healing is a slow process. It takes time, be patient with yourself. In time the emotions, the mood swings, they will began to fade. There are no overnight fixes. Vent when you need to, ask questions when you have them. Read the information provided on MB site. It helped me and it can help you also.

Healing from the betrayal and rebuilding takes time. Time is the key to all of this. I found out the healing process/the rebuilding was like building a house. It's a slow process, brick by brick but you finally get it finished. Your right, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm glad that things are going well for you and your H. The family time and the couple time you shared, sounds like it was nice. Keep the communication going between you and H. It also is a key issue in rebuilding.

I'm sorry your faced with the OW. She has no right to interfere but for whatever reason she wants her presence to be known. That has to be very hard on you.

MB is a good site. There is a great deal of valuable information here. You'll find a lot of support and encouragement.

Please know I'm here for you. Your in my prayers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />