Where do I even start? Last night I went over to see the kids and WW left to go to BF’s house. She came home later on and instead of coming in, marched right up the street to OM’s house. I could see them outside and could tell that she was arguing with him. After about an hour and a half of this, the cops show up, and not just one, but 3 cars and five officers. By the time they got there, WW had walked down to the neighbors house (the one I talked to the other day) and that is where the cops found her. Well, not sure what happened after that, but they came and got me and said that WW was very drunk, made some comments about maybe hurting herself, and that either I would take her to the ER, or they would, but she was going.

So, I went over to talk to her and she was plain belligerent, said she was ok, didn’t need to go and to have everyone leave her alone. Well, after about 5 min of this, the cops said no more, called an ambulance and hauled her away. All in front of the neighbors, the kids, everyone. What a night!

I had to go pick up WW this morning from the ER, doctor said she appeared fine, but she needs to lay off the sauce and get away from the situation (DUH!) WW told me it was OM who called the cops on her and told them she was suicidal so they would haul her away. I asked her why she continues this, why she went up there. She said it was to ***** him out and tell his W all the crap he has said and done to her, guess that plan backfired. I think he even filed a complaint against her and maybe even an RO. I told her she just needs to be done with him, absolutely no more contact at all.

WW then tried to get admitted into a addiction center, but no one would take her because she isn’t a hard core alcoholic yet. I let her have my apt this weekend so she can get away from everything for a few days, hope this wasn’t a mistake. Man, this A is going out in flames. Seems that OM is really doing a good job of making WW the bad person in all of this, he really knows how to work the situation, and WW just keeps walking back into it. I pray this was the last straw and that it makes WW open her eyes to how destructive any contact with him is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by loveherstill:<strong>
Seems that OM is really doing a good job of making WW the bad person in all of this, he really knows how to work the situation, and WW just keeps walking back into it. I pray this was the last straw and that it makes WW open her eyes to how destructive any contact with him is.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No disrespect intended but SHE IS A BAD PERSON. Don't forget that OM only exists because SHE ALLOWED HIM in her life and didn't give a sh** about you and the children.

I too hope that she opens her eyes not only for her sake but for your children as well. Your children - for all practical purposes - are motherless at the moment, just don't let them also become fatherless. On the surface, it seems like they have been placed in a far lower level of importance than your WW who has made life a living hell not only for you but for them as well.

Forgive my bluntness but I beleive that you should start worrying about the long term damage this situation is causing your children, than worrying about your WW who is hellbent in destroying herself, her M, and her family as well.

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

LHS,

I am so sorry for how things went for you the other night...
I honestly don't know what to say at this point...
I want you to find peace and tranquility for you and your children...
You've been doing this along time...you need to take care of you..
I believe your wife needs you...
perhaps now more than ever...but it is a fine line between enabling and setting limits...
Your wifes actions are desperate...and speak volumes about how poorly she feels about herself..she needs to get herself in control...You alone can decide how much you want to or can assist her in this...it is your decision
Protect you and your kids....
I am just sorry...the reality is that even when we really lose it...there can be forgiveness and we can move past it..
I'm sure you are hurting...
so so sorry....
peace to you and your home...
ARK

LoveHerStill,
TooMuchCoffeeMan is right about the influence on the children. They are very young and need to have at least one stable parent. I know how hard that is, I tried, succeeded some and failed some now I wish I could get back some of the time I squandered and spent more with my daughters.

God Bless you, and stay strong.

Hi. So sorry to hear about your night. Ug. The good news is that the OW is ending the A. One thing off the check list. The bad news is your wife needs help. Although maybe it is not bad news, maybe she has reached her bottom and will start working herself out. If a treatment center won't take her, maybe a private chemical dependency counselor. I don't know where you live but Hazelden in Mn (where I am orginally from) is an excellent facility (know from family experience). They also have a family week, etc.
I just can't believe your night. You must be exhausted. How are your kids doing? They must have been scared when the ambulance came.
Take care of you and the kids. Thinking of you
-CS

loveherstill,

What a night !!!

WW then tried to get admitted into a addiction center, but no one would take her because she isn’t a hard core alcoholic yet.

AA takes anyone anytime if she is willing to get help. They may be able to suggest treatment plans or centers that will take her if that is what is best.

There is no way that she could work on the M right now even if she decided to sever all contact with OM. Alcohol is a bigger presence in her life and needs to be dealt with first. I know from personal experience - I now have 10 years of sobriety. I am a new person through the program and am ready for a healthy relationship. My WH is also abusing alcohol (and other substances) so I am in a similar situation.

There is alanon ( i know not many men go, but the ones who do find it very helpful) and Alateen or other such programs for kids.

God Bless,

D.

Wow. I'm so sorry for your night. I would guess that when a WS loses the OP. They can become very depressed and self-destructive. They are losing what they risked so much on. WS had happiness and contentment and trew it away for a for a fantasy. When that fantasy comes crashing down, the depression is overwhelming.

LHS...

Hope you are doing better today.

I think you need to find a balance of 'being there' for your WW, but not enabling her behavior. The more you try to DO something about IT, the more she will be able to point to you and play the BLAME game.

Stand back as support as one does a child learning to walk... but you have to let her fall on her own... minimizing the consequences doesn't help anyone... and it only takes them longer to 'learn.'

Hugs to you.

Cali

I'm back with an update, kinda in a self-imposed exile these last couple of days while I spent the weekend at the house.

I can now say that with all certainty is that the A is over! I think last Friday night was the final nail in the coffin for it. Not the best way to end it, but its ended nonetheless and now its time to move on. From talking to few people and W, this is what apparently happened:

W went to BF's house just to hang out. While she was there, OM called and asked where she was and she told him. Well, a few minutes later he showed up at BF's house and they talked for a while. Not sure exactly what happened, but something was said that really set off W, I think maybe it finally hit W that OM was simply using her for his own needs. He left and W stewed over it for a while. Add some alcohol to the problem and you have a very volatile situation, which is exactly what happened. So, W comes home, goes up the street to confront OM and everyone knows the rest.

On Saturday, W and I talked and she was very defensive about what happened. Told me it was none of my business getting involved, that I had no control over her, that since we weren't married in a church, we weren't really married in Gods eyes, a lot of typical fog talk. I let most of it go, but did tell her that since I made a vow before God, I will uphold my end of that vow and yes, we are married in the eyes of God. And since we are still married, it is my business, and even if we weren't married, it will still be my business because it involves my kids. Then I told her that if she doesn't want it to be any of my business, quit dragging me and the kids into it.

On Sunday, W called me and was a lot more rational, seemed to have a complete change of attitude and we talked a lot about what has happened. W expressed a lot of remorse, embarrasment, anger at herself and confusion about what has happened and why she allowed it too happen. She has told me that when she is not in direct contact with OM she feels strong, but when contact is made, especially in-person, she looses control. Not loosing control to be with him, but more trying to control the anger she feels towards him. W is a vengeful person, doesn't like people to get away scot-free, and I think that is what Friday night was all about. She says her whole intent was top tell OMW what he has done. W also admits she has a problem with alcohol and is looking for some out-patient treatment. She is trying to find an AA or Al-anon group as well.

W and I then worked together to develop a plan to help her break free from this. She is going to make a serious effort to get help with her drinking . She is going to keep her cell phone turned off during the day since that is his main source of contact with her. On the weekends, she is going to stay either at my place or at her moms so she isn't around when he is. W is also going to stop responding to any emails he sends her and will not let him know where she is so he cant track her down.

It's a start, not a start towards recovery, but I agree with all that there are more serious issues that need to be addressed before recovery can even begin. I'm going to be there for her, like I said, I made a vow and I plan on sticking to it until the bitter end. Besides, even if I were to walk away from this now, I would still have to deal with it in some way. Now that I know the A is over, I'm finding a lot more strength to go forward.

On a side note, I talked with my neighbor again and she told me that from what she sees, I have a lot of qualities that women find very appealing. Said I am easy-going, attractive, am committed to my wife and family, am willing to make the sacrifices to let W stay at home and not work, don't sit around watching sports all weekend, keep my appearance up and put my families interest before my own. She said there aren't too many like me left and W would be an idiot for letting me get away. WOW-talk about an ego boost!