We're doing great... by most standards... especially when you consider that last year he 'moved' out... last year today... as a matter of fact.

Yesterday, though, I allowed my taker to take over when he CONSCIOUSLY did something to me to MAKE me understand and feel how he felt when I did it to him... Now mind you... he even acknowledged that I had not done this behavior since before d-day...

I WAS LIVID. He talks of MY NOT BRINGING UP THE PAST... but he does it all the time. And I told him such. I was NOT nice.

Here's my question to him... How about I have an affair so you can see HOW I FELT? (No, I didn't ask this... though of it too late... but almost wish I had).

What do you think? Do you think he would get IT?

Sometimes I'd like to brain him. Thank God I have a therapist and prayer... and love him way too much.

Hugs to all...

Cali

Cali,

This is part of recovery and believe it or not we are married to imperfect and slightly flawed guys. They in turn are married to us imperfect and slightly flawed wives!!!

Ok, that said and done expect that there will be backslides it is just what is backsliding. Will we? Yep.

Is it worth at this time with your situation to pull your Q? No. Not in my opinion.

That Q could have been used more sucessfully in the past when that A was a raging maniac. For now, it is better to hug him and let him know you appreciate his bringing it to you attention and DON'T discourage his opinions. Then maybe a gentle reminder of how you would like to have it presented to you the next time.

That's progress. Remember last year when they wouldn't even talk to us? Now we freak when they don't say it right?? The bar has been raised on our requirements. That's progress.

U are doing good!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Many times I have been tempted to say things like that "What if I had an affair?" or "what if I were secretly contacting old school friends?"...but you know what? I sincerely doubt the WS, male OR female, could really imagine what THEY would feel if we did these things.

I really believe thay cannot imagine it. And since they can't, I think they'd just see it as a major affront, as dredging up the past, as punishment...and I don't think that is positive to the R. On their own they may eventually think it through and try to imagine what it would be like, but coming from the BS...I doubt it.

Spacecase, please don't assume WS don't think about it. It's a great fear for us--what if some day BS has a Revenge A?

Thankfully with good recovery comes strong trust.

As you say, none of us accomplishes much by "what iffing"....

Cali, hang in there. Keep up the good work.

Ah yes... the progress since last year at this time is incredible!!! The same thing goes for me. It is really great to be able to look back and actually see a difference - for the better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have to agree with freshstart on the greatest fear of a (x)WS is to have their S have a revenge A. It's been just over one year since my H and I have been in recovery - and during a down time a few weeks ago, that very issue came up - and it wasn't me who said it!!! H can't stand the thought of me being with someone else, partly (or mostly? not sure) b/c he doesn't want our boys to have another father figure other than himself.

When you've calmed down some (which I'm sure you did as soon as you vented on here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), then you should talk to your H about this. Radical Honesty.... remember?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Cali, remember all you have learned, okay.

Now if you want a little lbing to go you know who to call. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

vent vent here all you want & remember where you were last yr.

Hi Cali,

Amazing, how you're able to pack so much into such a small post...

Bin there, dun that... both sides. I did years of tit-for-tat stuff, trying to get her to feel things the way I did. I don't think I ever succeeded, I don't think it was ever helpful. Clearly I didn't get it either, cuz I continued doing it when it was only hurting us.

I don't think she'll ever feel things the exact same way I do... and it sometimes gets MY taker going, just so I can see her feeling something. I think it's a sort of test, push them away and see if they fight their way back. Is that, maybe, what your H is doing? Trying to demonstrate (to himself? to you?) that he has control of something. It's hard for me to NOT see things through the Schnarch lens lately.

I gotta admit that there are times that I act irrationally and know that I'm doing so. It's hard to say with a straight face "Yeah, I intended to do that stupid thing". I have a teenager that excuses a lot of his mistakes with exactly that statement. I sure hope he didn't learn it from me.

Rambling a bit now, sorry.

Glad you resisted braining him... when I make a mistake it tends to fluster me and I'm likely to make things worse in my attempts to distance myself from my mistake. I try to fix them when no one's looking. Sometimes that's real hard.

Jeffers

I am so thankful for my closer relationship w/ God, all you at MB and my therapist... though I imagined what I did was a big LB... in actuality was more radical honesty just not sugar-coated and w/ a few angry outbursts (read curse words) thrown in for extra seasoning...

As the day went on, he did some neat actions to show me affection... felt like he was really with me...

That was the crux of the end of our conversation... I had been feeling so 'unsafe.' He's never really said to me that he is here... for the duration... again... that this is truly recovery... it has always been "for the kids" or some such...

And I told him that when he brought up past 'stuff' and we 'argued' and then he 'left' or stopped talking... I was left feeling scared and unsure... I told him I needed him to reassure me sometimes.... to comfort me... Well... at the time of our 'argument,' he said, "I've never done that for anyone." And, it's true... our whole marriage... I don't think I ever remember an "I'm sorry." after an argument... (used to serve to just make me angrier longer)... and we stayed in our corners for a long time...

Well... today was his birthday... he didn't make a big deal of mine... so I didn't really for his... though I still cooked him a nice breakfast and made him a peach cobbler... but no card or present like I usually do... we just spent the day with the kids doing stuff he wanted to do...

... and you know what, he seemed really happy today... held my hand, hugged me, kissed me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...

And wonders of wonders... he talked about buying a new bed!! one that he would like...

I feel like I am living in a miracle...

Orchid... thanks for responding... you were so helpful to me last summer... I was so inspired by your H's recovery 'orchids'. What a wonderful thing for you.

Spacecase... I think it is good for my H to not feel so 'safe' about me. It is taking me for granted and vice-versa which partially got us to this place. Oddly enough, we went to workout today and I purchased a new workout outfit... I made a joke about buying a 'wild' patterned outfit and my H rolled his eyes... another man was near by and he said to me, "I think it would look great on you." My H said, "then he can buy it for you..." but he stuck around long enough to help me pick one out. (and I got the one H liked).

freshstart... your posts helped me believe that God could really turn around a WS... thank you for your support.

Topie... I have three boys as well... and you are right... H would NOT like another man 'raising' his sons... I am aware that that is part of it... also, I have really only been with H... so there is another thing in my favor... we have always been blessed with fabulous SF...

sing... yes! yes! LBfaerie... knock him upside the head next time... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jeffers... I thought of Schnarch... I wondered as I talked w/ H... am I LBing... or am I meeting my crucible head on... I couldn't let him do that to me... though I could have handled it better... it was just so close to that 'anniversary' and I was feeling some insecurity... he had seemed to be pulling away... so in a way... it was standing up for myself...

Thanks for all the replies.

Cali