I do not know what to do. My wife has just left me (just for the night she said). She is very depressed, I do not think suicidal, but she says she wants to crawl up in a hole and die. She said she can not be around me and the boys right now. She said she can not be a good mom now and needs some time. I was understanding, but concerned about her. I do not think it is good for her to be alone now. She promised to call and let me know where she is staying. She said that she is not seeing XOM and that it is over.

Some brief background:
Yesterday my WW met the OM at there favorite fast food joint (after the blow up the other day). OM said that OMW is on the rampage again and will call WW's Mom. When my WW came home she asked my opinion on whether or not to call the OMW. I told her it was not a good idea and it would add fuel to the fire. She called anyway. WW told OMW that if she talked to her and my family, it would make it impossible for WW and I to work. She said she already told her Mom (lie). She said it would only make OM and WW closer and more likely. OMW yelled and screamed and cussed and threatened everything in the world. My WW called the OM and said it was over. She could not be with the OM with the OMW in the picture.

She asked me if this was a good decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I told her it was because it was a character issue with OM. The OM could stop the OMW or even maybe just try to stop OMW. The OMW did not even try to protect you or defend you at all and if it was not the OMW being an issue it would be something else. She was mad at herself for calling the OMW. I told her that when a fire is raging, adding fuel to fire will only make it burn faster. It will burn even without the fuel but now it will burn much faster. I told her that what was going to happen was just hastened by your actions. She responded by saying "you are so smart".

She said that when she met the OM yesterday, her feelings for him where just not the same (after he tried to put their A on hold).

She asked me why the OM would go back to the OMW. She asked how could the OM love the OMW like he loved me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told her I was not going to answer that question. Later that night she once again reiterated that she had no feelings at all for me, that she did not want to make us work, that she just wanted to run off. I tried to console her with little affect. Told her about everyone who loved her and she said that the only one that was important to her is OM. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am not sure I can hold out much longer. I feel very soured about the whole thing. I do not know what to do now or how to handle this whole mess. I am left now to clean up the remains of the A explosion, and I am not sure if I have the energy.

SO!!! I NOW GRADUATE MY WW TO W AND THE OM TO XOM!!! (maybe it is not really over-98% sure it will be)

I am very sad. My wife is perplexed by this, but I told her, "how could I be happy."

I am going to see my Parents today for dinner and I am going to have to make up a good lie about why my W is not there.

Please help me!!!! What should I do to help W with withdrawl? Do you think she means what she says now about our M? Is all of this natural responses in Withdrawal?

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: dreamland ]</small>

I think this is probably part of withdrawl. She has sacrificed so much for OM and now it's all crashing down. Just plan A like you never have before. Go work out to get out your frustration. Give it time and hopefully you can make it through the withdrawl. Right now she is depressed because of the end of the relationship. I guess it's like we felt after D-day. I remember wanting to die and all that mattered was my life with my WW. Hold on, you can get trough this, no LBs. I see hope.

I can totally understand why you would be soured. MY GOD that woman is in the fog. Leaning on you like you're a best friend...did I make the right decision? HUH??!!!

Hopefully your wife will allow the withdrawl to pass instead of deciding she can't live without him. If she falters again...my opinion it's time for some major reality...namely Plan B.

You're being incredible with all you're having to deal with Dreamland. Take care of yourself in all this too.

StillCan'tBelieveIt,

You are right. It probably is like our D-day. I can remember my heartbreaks when I was younger (much-much younger). I hope I can do something to help her. We talked tonight briefly. She called to let me know what she was doing (working to install stuff on her laptop) and that she was going to get some Chineese food. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It makes me happy that she is calling me and letting me know she is O.K. I worry about her so much.

I think a heavy Plan A is not a good idea. When in deep pain she does not want to be touched or talked to. She likes to be left alone. I guess everyone is different, and I have to tailor my actions to how she is and what she needs from me now. I really still love her very much regardless of everything that went on. I so much want to be part of her future.
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Hope,

I am so glad you had time to post. My best friend thinks I am nuts for not getting upset at her. I must be just crazy or something. I just get really hurt and shut my feelings out so that I can help her in whatever way she needs. She has no one to talk to but me. She tried getting on line to MB tonight but could not get to the site. It kept locking her out. Probably a company firewall issue. I told her most hotels have internet ready connections for hooking up to. She said she was going to get a big bottle of wine. I told her not to drink too much because it would make her sad in the morning. I guess I probably am trying to be too helpful. I guess that is just who I am. I wish I had a dummy switch on my back I can flip on and off to stop this problem of mine.

Dear Dreamland,
Just to let you know am checking up on you and sorry to see you are going through this right now. I hope by now that things are a little calmer - how are the boys reacting to her absence? Do you find them a comfort to you or is it more difficult to care for them with all this going on?

I can imagine that WW needs space to grieve - it makes sense to me, too, what the others have said - that feeling of just wanting to crawl into a hole when we found out that the M we thought we had was falling apart around us. I can understand why you are worried about her - I think it was a good sign that she tried to access the MB site - that shows she was trying to reach out to a place that she knew could give her advice, even though she knows that everyone on here knows her story and knows she is a WS. Hopefully she will reach out again and will listen.

One thing that bothers me a little is the "demonization" of OMW, which has been talked about before on your threads - that its easy to buy into the OM version of his W, especially now when she is upset and raging. Her behaviour is not a pretty sight - but you have to remember that she is a BS, and this is her way of handling her situation - she has every reason to be angry at her WS and your W, who she doesn't know and probably sees very differently from you. Of course, threatening to tell your W's family is cruel, but many people do things they wouldn't do normally in the heat of anger - and since this is an affair that has been on and off again, and she thought it had stopped before and now finds out it hasn't, she has every reason to be furious. Most of us on MB realize that threatening and demanding will not help our spouses to love us any better - and threatening to expose your W to her own family cannot be justified - but she is justified in demanding that her WS stop his affair with your W, or plan B. There's an interesting discussion on www.dearpeggy.com about the exposure of an affair - she says that affairs thrive on secrecy - and sometimes exposure to the cold light of day is the way to put them to an end. She tells of a BS who caught her WS, a top company executive with his secretary - instead of nursing her wounds in private, she told everyone, and this man had to face the music with his own company - reap the fruits of his own action. Sometimes this is appropriate. It may be that OMW feels this is the way to go with her H - after all, she probably knows him a lot better that either you or your WW.

And your W, although you know her for the wonderful (and I mean that genuinely) person she really is - IS a WW, and there are consequences to her actions - she is not totally a victim here, much as you like to see her as having been manipulated into this by OM. I think also, that WW, in her position of OW in his marriage, also may be beginning to wonder if perhaps OM actually, on some level, DOES love his own W, and maybe, he is just trying to string her along, but never intended to leave his W - he got caught out when OMW threw him out (that wasn't part of his game plan) - so she may be waking up to this, too, which will be a double blow for her.

I also think that you and she have to realize that OM has no control over OMW - you keep saying he cannot defend her and will not defend her (your WW). OM has no more power to control his W than you do to control your WW. OM and your W may still have to face the public consequences of their past actions - face the music. She is lucky she has a husband who loves her so much. Like Hope4, I am amazed at some of her comments to you - but that just shows how confused she is and how much she actually leans on you - your support for her through all of this is probably helping her more than you know.

I do think, as the others have said, that you need right now, to keep your distance. If the A really is over and she heads into serious withdrawal, you can expect her to be pretty mean and nasty sometimes (like she was with the FAX machine) and very withdrawn and depressed. She isn't going to be able to end that and pick up and work to help heal your M right away - you are just going to have to have the patience of a saint.

//////////////Dreamland (those are pats on the back) - is there anyone you know who can give you a REAL hug? Like your dad - you could use one right now - just for you.

Will keep praying for you both.
Odile

Dreamland -

Sorry, once again I do not have any time to post (i'm supposed to be getting coffee for WW). All I can say is hang in there. Don't expect anything from your WW right now, she may be withdrawn, angry, etc. Take it in stride, most importantly take care of your boys...they realy need you right now. Keep your chin up and just try to move forward day to day. I'll check in later when I'm given some time.

Hey Odile,

What a mess!! I have got a splitting headache this morning. Too much of the gin.

"T-man" searched the house this morning for mom. Called and called for her and then cried. I do not think she ever missed a morning with him (at least it has been a real long time). I comforted him and told him that she would be back today. He is O.K. It is difficult when you are stressed or upset to watch children. I do find comfort from them, but I am a little edgy. I have much more patience now then a few days ago, so I should do just fine even if the boys are real real active today.

She never called me last night and I still have not heard from her this morning. I asked her to call and to tell me where she is staying. I asked her to do this for me. Oh well. I have asked her to do many things she has not done, how can I expect this of her.

The day after D-day, I had to be by myself too. I am so worried about her wellbeing. It is almost 9:00 and still no call.

The OMW is not a saint by any means. I think all people have evil in them. I do not hate her, but my WW does. She had two affairs and still blames them both on OM. She does not want to admit that her affairs had something to do with the OM's affair. She also is acting with malicious intent. We all get mad, it is how we react when we get mad that defines us. I am a good judge of character, and I think the OMW is bad news. I would not be her friend. I know that the information I get is slanted, but I have talked to her twice. She is now saying ugly things about me. She says I am gay and a weekling and all kinds of mean things because I am not putting the screws to WW.

I agree with you. WW is not a victim. She was making choices of her own. She was not forced into her decisions. I do think her decisions to continue the A after D-day and her actions since then are very disheartening. She does feel that she is being stringed along for many reasons one of which is to fill his needs and two is to get back at the OMW and she feels that he will never leave OMW.

I think OM does have some control. You can control people if you do not care how they feel about you. He holds the money, and this is the OMW's main concern. He can threaten to take back control of the check book and only give her 35% of the money (what his D lawyer says is all that is required). He can tell her that he will do this until she stops.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> No one to hug me now but my kids. I am not going to tell my dad. I do not want pitty from him.
---------------
Hey onwardandup,

Thats OK. Thanks for checking in on me. I think I will be O.K. I have got to keep strong to take care of the boys. It is just so tough now.

Hey dreamland, just remember that you are very loved and cared for by many around you. Your children, your family and friends. And those of us out here in cyberworld too! It's hard to feel loved in your current situation, but you ARE. When I was feeling my worst I would think about all the people in my life that cared about the fact that I am on this planet. Kind of like compiling a mental list of what people would be at your funeral and what they would say. It helped me to remember that many people cared about me....and that helped me keep on keepin on.

Alcohol is a definate bad choice when you're in an already depressing situation. So TSK TSK!! But hey, I know what you're talking about with that headache. Went out and visited with my girls for a few hours and had a few drinks...I'm not used to it and now I'm feeling a little pained today as well. Let's hope your wife made a better choice than to down a whole bottle of wine!

Thanks Hope,

I know better then to drink.

She still has not called, and I am very very worried. I hope she is O.K. I feel so powerless to help right now. I do not know where she is, and I am scared. I am beginning to get very anxious. I feel like pacing the floors again. Too many horrible thoughts going through me head.

(((((Dreamland)))))

Know you are v worried about WW. Hope she has the sense to call you soon. I think she cannot have forgotten that her boys need her, too.

Do you have friends you can talk to today? Like your friend you built the deck with? Maybe it would be a good idea to think through how you will handle tomorrow is she decides to take another day to clear her head.

Also, a good exercise is to write down each one of your thoughts, your fears on a piece of paper and look at them - then talk yourself through each one logically and carefully - trying to see that what you think or are afraid might happen, isn't necessarily a foregone conclusion - that there are always more positive possibilites - when it is all in your head, and not out on paper, it tends to go round and round inside. I think posting here helps serve that purpose for a lot of people.

Will be checking back in with you to see how things are going. I think you said before that your Dad was experienced in marriage counselling - are you sure "pity" is really what he would feel for you right now - surely he would want to be able to help you be strong right now, especially when you have your own sons to take care of - if your family really love you, now is the time to let them help you and to let them show their love for you. To go through this alone must be extremely difficult for you. But I understand how you must feel about protecting your wife.

Odile

Dreamland,
You already know you are in for the ride of your life. Hang on with both hands for a while, and wait till it slows down before you look around very much. If you look up right now, it may make you sick.

Just hang on tight, and ride it out. We always want to know what will be, but you can't know yet. Be the best dreamland you can be, be strong, take care of business. We are wishing the best for you and Mrs Dreamland.

SS

WW is O.K. Thank you for all your support. She called around lunch time and left a message. She went to a hotel with a bottle of wine.

She is still very very sad. She said she is not feeling any better.
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Odile,

Thanks for the tip. I tried this and it worked somewhat. I took the boys out and we had a great time. We went to eat lunch, then we went and bought some basesball stuff for "T-man" (a bat, glove, balls, and an outfit.) He loves his glove. Not to fond of the bat though. We then went to play video/kids games. Then we went home and threw the ball around a bit. WW came home around 4:00 or so. Things are just really weird now. We need to give each other time and space now (I think).
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Still Seeking,

You are right, I have been looking around quite a bit and I looked up too on the scary rollercoaster, and I am sick as a dog. I need to shut my mind down on this stuff for a while and concentrate on other things.

Made plans to go on a mini vacation with my family this weekend. It should be real fun. We are going to spend the night at Lake Lanier for a couple of nights with my sister and her family of two boys, and my parents. This is just what the doctor ordered (I think). We will not be alone together long enough to talk about negative things. Right now I think it best that we do not talk about our feelings or this stuff for a while. We already know how each other feel (me - very very numb, her - heart breaking for XOM). It is time to just sit back and have fun for a change.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: dreamland ]</small>

DL,

I can't offer you much about what to do now. I just wanted to tell you that I understand very much how your W is feeling right now. She is in a deep depression, her life and dreams are crashing all around her. I don't know that there is anything you can do to help her through that. She needs to grieve the loss of OM and their relationship. Its like someone died except he is still alive and well living with his wife. Very confusing to your W. What has me very concerned for her well-being is that she left the children too. I found time with my son to be helpful in seeing the bigger picture. It helped me through with WD. Family time and happy times are what she could use. She says she does not love you I feel because she feels in love with om. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. Maintaining in that love feelings with more than one man for a woman is next to impossible. It clouds the intimacy you have in your M. It is insidious and takes over the WS. It takes on a life of it's own, that freaking love you feel for OP. BUT, it does get better once A is over.
She has to know there is hope for tomorrow, for a better life. I have to say, your children and you can help her through and see this. She may see that you can give her the happy life she wants and life with OM will be painful. But it will get worse before it gets better for all of you. Time will heal her wounds, and yours there is no quick fix.
How do you know she is not suicidal? I have a worry that she may be based on your description of her actions. One of the most difficult hurdles that I faced in ending my A, was that he and I loved eachother still. Ending a relationship that is all screwed up, but where the individuals feel in love is devestating. We do get over it and move on, but it is excruciating to face the loss of such a union.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

CMiranda,

Thanks for the encouraging words. My best friend told me this morning I am nuts for staying with her now. He says that it was bad enough having the affair, but much worse parading around with it in front of me for three months, and telling me she no longer had feelings for me and never could. He said that this was cold and heartless. She should have left me or kicked me out. I told him that I could have left if it was too painful for me, and he said it did not matter. He said that there is a very little chance for us. I do not and will not believe this. I just do not need to here this right now. It does me no good.

I will refuse to think about the future now. I am going to focus on the present and try to find the joy I have lost in my life. I need to get my smile back.

Dreamland -

I know someone has used this line on before but I still love it..."Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbour" - Bluto (Animal House)

How can you or I or anyone profess to know what are the chances of your marriage working out. It may not seem that way but recent events if anything increase the odds of something positive (whatever they are). Don't get too worked-up over what your friend said. If anyone asked me about my situation before living through it, I would have said "no chance". As a matter of fact, after my quaisi D-day, I assessed the odds as 95-99% bad. I don't thing about percentages anymore, I just live and do what is right in my heart. Your friend is just saying what comes naturally, it is hard to fathom it all when you are not there.

If I have talked about the pursuit thing before, I guess I might as well do it again. IMHO now would be a bad (very bad) time to try work on your R, give gifts, etc. This is not to say that meeting her needs isn't a good thing to do, but give her the space she needs to process it all. Try to be supportive and make life easy for her. Don't give her the oppinion that you don't think she can't handle things, let her know you see her strength. This is going to take more time (probably lots of it) but the time will come for you and Mrs. Dreamland to think about your R. Focus on being her friend like you have been doing.

I'm sorry things are so difficult, but lots of people are thinking about you and Mrs. Dreamland.

dreamland, I agree w/ onward. Its not over til the skinny woman sings! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If I told anyone where my M was at 6 months ago, there would be no way in h*ll that anyone would have believed that we had any kind of chance. Our lives were a complete disaster. Now I can say with pride that today our M is getting better and better. My H is working on baggage from his childhood, our R is steadily becoming more intimate and close and my loving H is becoming a person who I have never known before. I know the Lord has blessed me. I believe we will be able to weather the storms.

I read elsewhere on here about the June MB newletter that discussed hope as THE ingredient that keeps divorce from happening. If you can keep hope alive, then there IS hope. C

Dreamland,
Many of a BS's friends don't understand why the BS wants to fight or stand for the marriage after infidelity. If wanting to restore your marriage is your optimal outcome, stick with it, thank your friend for his concern and tell him you are handling it the way you feel is right, according to a plan called Marriage Builders.