my husband and I have been married for 11 yrs during this time he has had at least 1 sexual affair and several emotional affairs each time he would swear that he would stop and I would believe him.but it keeps happeneing over and over again and recently I found out that he has been having an affair with someone online and over the phone. I found out because I found several emails that they had been sending to each other in which he would sign your devoted husband and she would sign your loving wife and mommie to be. I confronted him about it and he finally admited to it after I told him that I had the letters. my first instinct was to leave but I really do love him and don't want to imagine my life with out him. I asked him to tell me what happened and he did and I asked him if he had ever seen her in real life he insists that he hasn't but that was kinda hard for me to belive since she was signing it your loving wife and mommie to be. I confronted him with that and he swears it ws just a fantasy land. That she lives in another state. but they have talked on the phone several times and he does think he is in love with her. so I asked him what he wants to do and he said that he wants to stay with our children. But he doesnt think he loves me anymore. But that he wants to still live here with me for the kids sake and for us to still be married and act as if we are married.But he still thinks he should be able to talk to her. I told him that I didnt feel comfortable with this and that I didnt think that I could live that way. I told him he had to choose me or her. he told me he would have to think about it and so he spent several days thinking sbout it. finally he came back that he wanted to give us a trial period for two weeks. and then he would decide if he could love me again. I told him that in order for us to do that he would have to end it with her. he relunctantly agreed but said that I had to forgive him and never bring up any of this again or anyof the past incidents and so I agreed to this because I didnt want to loose him and the otehr way meant that I would definatly loose him. so for those two weeks I spent all my time trying to win his love back. I did everything I could think of sexually, emotionally, I tried to be very romantic. I over came things that I never thought I would over come. So that he would stay with me. at the end of the two weeks he said he wanted to stay with us. and for those two weeks I didnt mention it at all I just concentrated on trying to make him love me again at any expense. but during those two weeks the pain of what had happened just kept getting worse. I think it was mainly cause he couldnt tell me he loved me anymore so everytime I said it to him it just hurt that much more but I was afraid if I didnt say it he would nver fall back in love with me. after the two weeks though I began to wonder if he really ended it or not so I began checking up on him and found out he hadnt so I confronted him again about it and had him tell her over the phone with me there that he had to end it. he did tell her on the phone that he wanted to end it but the whole time he kept telling her that he was sorry and that he felt terrible for doing this to her. which really upset me because he had so much more compasion for her then he did for me. he told me this was because he still loved her and need time to get pass these feelings but that he was starting to love me again too. anyways since she has called him at least onetime that I know of. shortly after this he started not being able to get an errection anymore when we tried to make love. his reasoning was that it was that he wasnt used to getting it this much in the past. which is true I hadn't had a sexual drive since I was raped.But I had to over come this dureing the two week trial to try to keep him. since this was one of the reasons that he said he was doing this in the first place. anyways I began to feel even more unwanted and started to withdraw from him again. and was starting to feel like this was hopeless.then I found the book " surving an affair" and I asked him if we could read it together that I really needed some help letting all of this go but he thought this was an attack on him but fianally he agreed to read this book with me. so we have been reading it and are on the section where it tells how to end the affair and that we need to change phone numbers email addresses etc. But he is unwilling to do any of this he says it is because his cell phone and his email is for work and that it would be to hard to change them but I know that these are the ways she has to contact him. I asked him if he is still speaking with her and he insist that he isnt. and that it would really just be too hard to change them. I dont know how to get him to understand how important it is that he does this. I want to believe him but think it is really so that she can contact him. does anyone have any suggestions?

welcome to MB and I'm sorry you had to come her but you will find that this site helps.

you sound as if you are doing the right things - I can't give much advice because to be honest I'm in the middle of the same hell myself. There are going to be good days and really bad days you just need to realize that right now he is in what we call withdrawl from the OW - and soon as long as there is no contact there is a good chance that sex will become easier and he will start coming back to you.

Good luck - I know you will get some great advice from others here - some of these people have been living this rollercoaster for a long time and have learned how to deal with it in the best possiable way.

Plan A for no longer than 6 months... then kick the bum out and go hardcore Plan B. It sounds like he has addictive problems.

You can read about Plan A/B on this website. Plan A is basically to do your utmost to avoid Love Busters and meet your wayward spouse's needs. The hope is that they'll recapture the feeling of love with you and start doing likewise. But, it's really hard because your instinct during this time is to MAKE THE [censored] PAY!!! So, it's really hard on you. So, set a time limit.

If you hit the time limit, go to Plan B. Plan B in a nutshell, you give them a letter telling them that you love them but you can't continue to stay in a relationship that is so hurtful. You tell them that they are welcome to come back if they break off all contact with the other person and start making serious moves to reconcilliation. Have the letter delivered and then totally and completely and utterly sever all contacts, ties, and communication with your wayward spouse.

Plan B is really hard too... but people here swear by it. If you follow them, you do the honorable thing and the marriage survives... or it fails in spite of your efforts and you can move into divorce with a clean conscience.

Good luck.

It sounds like neither of you ever really processed the previous affairs and examined how they happened, why, etc. This is important to do, otherwise how does one learn how not to get caught in that trap again?

I would suggest that you get into counseling if you can, especially since you said that you were raped at some point. You have a lot to deal with just for yourself, and then to have a husband who continues to have affairs is horrible on your self-esteem. My H had multiple A's, tho I found out about all of them at one time on d-day. I know how painful it is. I think it must be worse each time you find out more.

Read and read on here and post, too. It has been a life-saver for me. Ultimately, the only person you can change is yourself, and if that results in a better, stronger you then you've come out ahead no matter what happens to the marriage. Take care, C