Well the weekend was nice - until last night!

I'm losing it here - Help!!!!

We spend Friday night looking at cars - It was a nice night just the two of us - didn't do much else because money is so tight. Saturday he worked and then we went up north - Sunday we spent at the beach, I could tell my family was starting to get to him but knew we were leaving soon - Got home about 9 last night.. watched TV and then went to bed. Ok now here's where the problem starts.....

Were laying in bed and I ask him if someone in my family did something to upset him because I could tell that his mood had gotten worse as the day went on - He said my Dad was just getting on his nerves... I could tell he was thinking about something so about 5 minutes later he say "I have a proposal for you - are you listening?" I say ok - He says" you know how you always say were going to have to get re-married anyways if we work this out well, I think I'm going to file but in exchange I will goto marriage counseling with you, This doesn't mean I will go through with it but this way if I decided I want to leave I wont have to waste another 6 months of my life" I said "ok - I have a few questions?"

1) are you going to live here after filing?
2) why have you decided to do this now?
3) I thought we were doing better - you know that this is going to cost us a bunch of money?

so he gets mad at me - I honestly think that he thought that I was going to be happy with this proposal - We end up fighting for 2 hours - me telling him that he is being selfish - him telling me that maybe he is just unhappy with me, I beg him not to give up on us - that he has to believe that we can work this out - that if he believes that its over then it will be but if he can believe that we have a chance we just might. He then proceeds to tell me he went off the antid's 3 weeks ago because he hated them.. Ok so by this point in time I'm a basket case - I'm so confused.... so I ask him - ok if you want out so bad why wait 6 months and not just leave right now and why goto counseling with me - He doesn't have an answer. I ask him to give me something to go on - some shred of hope - He tells me "well, I'm still here aren't I that means I still have some hope" but in the next sentence he tells me that he maybe he doesn't want to try - doesn't want to make it work. Ok - If I can get any more confused I don't think its possible. Oh yeah and then he informs me that he is getting his own cell phone.. because he is taking control of his life. At 2 am we end up having sex - It was great but only added to my confussion -

Advice please - I'm open to anything at this point.... should i keep at this or is it time to just give up..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Bump

Hi,

Well going off the meds may be contributing but he is also babbling. You ready for this next point?

Stop listening to his babble. If what he is saying doesn't make sense, tell him to think about his thoughts and when he can express them in a clear and concise thought, then you will listen.

Is the A going on? Do you suspect something? Just a thought. My H did similar. After a while, I stopped listening to the hurting babble. Their brain has too much going on that junk keeps spilling out of their mouths. Really!!

L.

great advice Orchid,

My h sounds the same way. He tells me he doesn't think it is going to work, yet he has come over he last 3 sundays and we have had s** and he has kissed my more than he has in a year or so. Confusing I know. Just keep hanging in there, my therapist says men sometimes communicate better physically and that maybe they are saying something with their actions that they can not say with their words... I don't know if it is true, but I am giving it a try.
Good luck
Terry

rdvpmm,

You 've great help but I could not resist ... I was on the phone w/ OMW. I help OMW to get stronger ... be able to buy her H out of the house (financial needs is one of her top) ... be able to see clearly how OM has manipulated her and lies to her (I matched the date of my WW & her H) ... finally tonight she told her H that until the court date (1.5 month from now) she wants NO CONTACT until OM agrees to give up my WW. If by then Dv is finalized, she will plan C OM !!! to protect herself and .... listen to this, she will cancel the refinance for buy out and sell the house outright and move on to area that she wants. She is in aceptance stage and ready to move on w/ or w/o H ... this is a woman that sob like mad and begs her H a few months ago. Orchid could tell you what a mess she was.

My point is ... depends where you are in your plan A. Work on all the issues and take away the reasons ... don't beg don't chase H. Don't get suck in by the fog. When you are ready, you have two options since you can't plan A forever ... you could do plan B or tough love if you have strong stomach like Orchid's.

Remember thre is no reasoning in fog ... your H just try to take you for a ride to prolong his A.

-RH-

Thanks everyone!

I don’t believe that the A is still going on - She called it off when I call her H - they still work in the same shop which I know has made this harder to overcome but the owner of the company is friends with her H and has been keeping an eye on things (or so I've been told).

I have been working plan A and have made great strides in improving my self - One of my H's greats needs is PA and I have been going to the gym and lost 40 pounds on the past 5 months - I still want to lose more but am now doing for myself and not him.

I think your all right about actions meaning more than words because to be honest he doesn’t treat me like he's going to leave most of the time and we get along great - Last night just to confuse me a bit more he was wonderful - had S** again and it was good. I made some comment about that fact that I wish the doctor had put him on the Antid's that I was on because I love them and feel much stronger and able to cope with things and he actually said that he would talk to the doctor. But to top it all - this morning his prescription was back on the shelf in the kitchen and it looks like it took it....

I'm not ready to give up yet so I guess the best I can do is keep improving myself and showing him how much I love him and hope he realizes soon what he will be giving up..

As you can tell I'm stronger this morning, of course I could be crying my eyes out by the afternoon - god I hate this rollercoaster!!!!

As I was reading your post it was like reliving part of my life. My H and I seem to have almost the same talk last Oct. He told me he wasn't sure he wanted to try anymore, and at that point he had really not done anything to work on our marriage. He was still lying to me and was still in contact with the ow. I think the last straw for me was when I asked him, no begged him not to give up on us and he told me 'I'm here aren't I'. That is when I knew something had to happen. We needed to either start MC or spilt up. After this he had to go away for a weekend and I told him to think about what he wanted to do, that if he wanted to leave he could I would not stop him. I also told him that I wasn't even sure if I was still in love with him anymore. When he came home after his weekend he told me that he loved me but he was going to leave because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I think that I surprised him when I asked him if he wanted me to help him pack. When he saw that I wasn't going to fall apart, and it took a lot not to break down and beg him to stay, he broke down and told me he didn't want to leave. He told me that he would start MC right away and stop all contact with the ow as of that moment. It has been nine months and with the help of a good MC we are doing better then ever. I think my H really needed a wake up call to get out of the fog. Your H sounds so much like mine that I would not be surprised if what he really needs is to see you stand up to him. I felt like such a door mat for so long, I was bending over backwards trying to prove to my H that it was better here with our kids and me than with the ow. I was working so hard to save our marriage and he wasn't doing a thing. It took me hitting rock bottom, and having nothing more to give for my H to do a complete turn around. I hope and pray that you can be strong no matter what happens. Just remember that you can only do so much it takes two to make a marriage work, your H has to help too.

rdvpmm...

This could have been a post I wrote last year. My H said similar things... even moved out in July... and we had ROCKIN' s*x throughout the whole process... (2-4 X's per week) Hold on to that.

What to do.
Say that you understand his need to control his own life. (and I recommend, "The Mastery of Love" by don Miguel Ruiz to help you with this). Tell him that you don't want to control his life, but that as a married couple there should be no secrets and you should enthusiastically agree (POJA) on all decisions. That, however, is his decision... to be married or NOT... I told my H that if he was here... we were married and he needed to be such... otherwise... leaving was what he needed to do. (He had already moved out and then moved back in).

Meanwhile... continue to control LBs. Continue to build STRONG family connection. I instituted the following when he moved out... Thursday night was "family" night... all of us together... dinner out. (even if it was a picnic). One night a week for "us" to reconnect... we did fun things... things we used to enjoy together. And church on Sunday...

I entered into individual therapy. Read a TON of books and really worked on ME. I learned to leave him alone and quit talking the kind of talks you are having. (This took a LONG time... 9 months or so after d-day). Eventually OW LB'd enough that he stopped contacting her. Fog got clearer and clearer and he started being the MAN I REMEMBERED.

Time and patience are the keys. (and for me... building a personal relationship with God... H, too... both of us were 'saved' recently).

Hugs and prayers,
Cali

Wow - It still amazes me to find other people who have lived through this and have made it - I give you credit for hanging in and not giving up. I'm getting stronger everyday but somedays seem harder than others. My H is now being wonderful we had great Se* again last night and he was talking about the future and of course I dont want to rock the boat but sometimes I just want to hit him upside the head and say "what the heck are you thinking? you tell me that you dont want to try but then treat me great" its so confusing.... right now I guess I would have to say I play it by ear - I dont ask questions (I know I dont want the answers) and play the happy couple.

My counselor has told me to take his action more than his words because he is not acting like a man who really wants to leave but has convinced himself that this is what he needs to make him happy.

I have started standing up for me more and told him that if this is really want he wants and doesnt want to try then why wait that he should just go ahead and get it overwith so we can both move on with our lives... but of course he than finally admits that he hasnt given up all hope - I'm actually starting to believe that the fog in his head is so thick that he can't even see what is right infront of him... a wife and 2 kids that love him and will do anything possible to make him happy again.