my story is at:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018167

I have stopped all contact with her. the last time we saw each other was end of Mar 2002. the last time we talked on the cell was end of May 2002.

Having just turned 40 in May, I had a complete physical that turned out everything is OK.....except my emotional status. so the doctor and my therapist recommended I go see a psychiatrist and after one visit, put me back on anti-D's.

although the anti-D's take the "edge" off and are helping shutting down the voices that remind me of her, I am still reminded of her when I do errands or go to park, ride bikes, etc (I still am without a job) and then the mind wonders what she is doing, if she'll ever contact me again, etc.

I thought if I just started dating again that I would be able to move past my feelings and thoughts for her and just start enjoying someone else's company. but then I don't want to do the rebound thing with someone else.....but the lonliness if really bad sometimes.

I guess I am doing better because I am not contacting her at all and I DO go out and do things and am meeting other women that are attracted to me. I just can't get past the feelings for her and move on with another relationship.

I need some advice from you guys on how to move past this and be able to love and trust again.

I know most times one person that had the A usually moves away, but I don't want to keep "running away" from things or leave the beautiful home I have built to eventually have a normal, happy marraige and raise children someday.

am I again trying to "fix" myself too fast or doing too much at once?

am I worried that because I just turned 40 that I won't ever have a happy marraige or be able to raise children (because of the A)?

is my father being really sick affecting me somehow?

thanks in advance for your advice and observations!

confused3rdparty,

You are probably in withdrawal ... take it easy. 6 months rule is good ... 6 months w/ no contact that is.

This is about you and what you want to be. Don't find external thing to blame ... such as your father sickness. Time will heal and take it easy w/ new relationship.

God Bless you. -RH-

thanks redhat, and thanks for your links - I read thru most of them and they helped.

it has been the toughest thing I had to do in my life not to contact her......6 mos will be Nov 2002.

I was supposed to have a dentist appt in early Sept (she is the assistant there - that's how we originally met over the phone).....and her birthday is Oct 12th - but I've decided why add to my pain and set myself up for more hurt?

So, I am not keeping the dentist appt or doing anything for her birthday - part of me says this will hurt her that she'll feel I don't care about her anymore....and the other part of me says I will be showing I care enough about myself and her NOT to contact her.

If she contacts me after she is divorced....then I'll cross that bridge then - but until then I cannot keep this fantasy relationship alive in my head.....because there IS no relationship.

Even after reading all the posts, I do truely feel that we both care a lot for each other: she called me on 9-11, not her H, she moved in with me for a few weeks, she had the papers drawn up, she gave me the title and keys to her Corvette, she showed me the apt she was getting.

This is ironic, but she has been honest from our first conversation when I asked her if she was happily married - she said "well, I'm married". I truely believe she did not set out to have an A, I was there at just the right point in her M that she was not getting her EM met.

She has also told me that her M has been on the rocks for several years and after he said no to kids, that's when it really ended. It is a shame that she wants to stay in a controlling and lovless marraige - but maybe she is not a strong enough person to end it.

Whatever the case, I realize that she and I have to have separate lives now and forget about each other (or at least remember the good times) - among the many gifts she gave me was a hand-made quilt that she gave me that was very special to her...and she gave it to me which I will treasure. (she also has a beautiful purse and gold/diamond necklace to remember me by).

Yes, she has taught me many lessons about myself which I did not see (or want to see) until now....and I will be a better person for working on myself. I also realize that she has to be able to make a clear decision with me out of the picture and that we may never see each other again or be together again.

The problem is I don't know if I will ever find someone who had so much in common with me and enjoyed the same activities and who genuinely loved and cared about me. Down deep I realize that I pushed her away (very hurtfully) - back into her H's arms - but I had to, to make her choose between me or him. Trouble is I still mentally beat myself up for having that fight that led her to move out.

Since I miss the closeness of the A, I am also very lonely and that's why I would like to start dating again right away - but want to be fair to the other person and not be on the rebound.

So I will continue to do the best self-care I can do: get a new job, stay in the area (not running away), change dentists, maintain NO contact with her, do things for myself, take it easy if I do go on dates, maintain therapy and meds, live one day at a time.

Thanks again for your advice and for reading this long reply - once again MB has kept me on the road to happiness...even though it's a very long road <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />