The last two weeks have been very rough. Haven't posted a while or been on, too busy trying to sort everything out. After giving me hope that thing s would work ourt and he was going to break it off with her, finally things came to a head Fri. night and I told him he had to make a decision. So he called her in front of me and told her it was over. He was still acting weird the next day so I checked his voicemails and she had called saying I love you. I asked him if she was upset with him why would she say that? no answer of course. Well, we had a talk in the middle of the night because
I didn't believe him and he said we'd talk in the morning. Well I was too upset to sleep and had had enough so I called her on her cell phone. We both found out all kinds of lies he had told both of us, things that were very private he shouldn't have told her at all and he did, also people at work that he told these things to. But he he still called her on Sun to try to patch things up, I guess if she wants to put up with his BS she can, I'm tapped out. He got an apt. yesterday and moved, still acting like he wanted to work on things but I can't see him, it just hurts too bad. I don't know if I should have a time limit in mind, I don't want to wait forever, and I really don't feel there is much hope. He is so totally obsessed about her it is worse than I really thought. I just hurt so bad, and am trying to keep myself together, my kids have been great and my friends too. I just feel so alone. He's the one person I thought I could trust even tho we've had problems in the past and now since last Sept. my world has been in choas. So sad, to lose so much, I hope for him it's worth it. Thanks for listening, not much anyone can do right now.

<<<<bump>>>>

d-b-d

I wish I had some wise advice for you, but I really don't...

I know how you feel, my WW and I went thru a period where I thought we were in recovery and it was false...

It almost hurts more to go thru it again the second time. We are now in a second separation...so...as do you...I know the pain and I feel for you.

Try to stay fucssed on you as much as possible. I know that's hard but right now it is probably the best. Realize also that it ain't over 'til you say it's over...

This sucks, I know, and while I can't fix it I feel your pain...

Take care...

E

d-b-d

I wish I had some wise advice for you, but I really don't...

I know how you feel, my WW and I went thru a period where I thought we were in recovery and it was false...

It almost hurts more to go thru it again the second time. We are now in a second separation...so...as do you...I know the pain and I feel for you.

Try to stay focussed on you as much as possible. I know that's hard but right now it is probably the best. Realize also that it ain't over 'til you say it's over...

This sucks, I know, and while I can't fix it I feel your pain...

Take care...

E

Dear Day by Day,
I started to answer you an hour ago & was interrupted - Very very Sorry< I could tell you needed at hug. ((((((((((((HUGS to you)))))))))).
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I wasn't just listening, reading your post, it was so painful, because I could feel what you are were/are going through. I had one of those days last Thursday, I knew WH was going to call OW. But you know what - Friday was GREAT, even through I certainly didn't know what to expect, major LB or a pleasent adventure.
I chose to not let WH get me down & have a good time.

Next month will be our 25th anniversary. Your bio was very similiar to mine. I get great support from D-20 & MB friends also. D read SAA, this helped her understand WH behavior. WH was not only mean to me & family, but also negative towards friends & his pets. We have been separated now for 4 months & I wrote my plan B letter. You just can't get caught up in that his mess. Because you are a kind & caring person.

WH are really so fogged up, but it is your choice - be negative or postive. Both you and I know being postive about yourself, not only helps you have a better day, but you will do something that will take your mind off of WH. Which I know is difficult.


What help me Friday morning was that I went back & read some of the books with God's teachings, along with saying some morning prayers. : <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

BTW I really like your sig. name. It is one hell of a rollar coaster. I found out about OW# 2 one year ago this week, the last July 4th was miserable, but I am going to have a good time with family & friends even if WH is still in limbo land. Camper arrangements - My boundries since WH moved out still apply. It is his problem if he is uncomfortable. I wish WH would talk to OW infront of me & say it is over with her, but he doesn't like to burn bridges, will this one is close. I pay attention to WH postive actions that are consistent.

I do remember the He-- I went through when WH moved out, unoffical plan b & then WH made contact only when it meet his needs. IMHO WH can say in his cave, because I married a kind & caring man also & I don't know this one. I agee with you if OW really whats WH this way will more power to her. Both you & I know we have tried our best along with having the respect of our family & friends.

Take care of yourself, tomorrow will still be hot & hopefully better. The first 6 months I was expolding with emotions just trying to hold myself together (WH also told OW about private thing about me)& I still am some days. But I think that I am moving towards recovery with or without WH.

I hope this helps, I usually don't respond because
I need to spell check everything & besides others have a better way with words than I do. It takes me tons of words to get across what someone else can in one or two sentences.

I going to buy fireworks so I won't be back until late, it will be a 2 hour drive just to go to town. LOL - Sometimes a good scream also works.

Thanks, Elad and Vega, I haven't written a letter yet, but he knows I don't want any more contact than I have to with him. There are some things we need to take care of this week and I will have to see him, but I'm trying not to call him. He knows I won't try to work on our marriage with her in the picture, and he acts like this is a big experiment he can do, to be on his own and be independent etc. and then if he wants to come home I'm just going to welcome him back, no questions asked. Where do they get the Guts to do this stuff? Oh well, I already know the answer! THE FOG!!! I just don't know if I could ever trust him again after all the lies he's told, I mean, he told her our marriage was dead, there was nothing left and that he should never have married me. That's pretty strong stuff to take. He has a lot of resentment against me for certain things and he can't let it go. I am doing things for myself, I've pretty much been on my own since last summer myself, and even when he was around he wasn't really there, if you know what I mean. My older S. and DIL are coming this weekend from Mil. with their 4 yr old and we have a pool, so we'll have a good time. Too bad H. can't be included, it's so sad when they pick a stranger over their own families. And she isn't even here, she's 800 miles away and has 4 kids herself. Thanks for the support, I know there are so many people out there going thru this and it sucks!

Yes, their "big experiment"!! Barf!

Take heart in this... the with separation comes reality... quoted right out of SAA.

It sounds like you're getting to a spot where you can apply Plan B to help yourself - that's a good thing! It's best to enter it while you're still somewhat motivated to remain M'd - the remainder of your time in Plan B will drain away the last LB$ - just more slowly, hopefully!

I've found the best thing I can do in my situation (Plan B) is to simply "let go". And that means letting go completely. I provided WW with a Plan B letter, and a letting go letter. I let her know I was standing strong on my own two feet, and I hope that let her know that my apparent eagerness to work on the M is tempered by a confidence and strength in my own ability to move on without her. And my actions are tending to back that up... no phone calls, no e-mails (except business), etc. Time will tell if it "works" for the M - but it's working for me...

My analogy of the day is that self-respect in an A situation is like a boomerang... You kind of toss it away willingly, and wonder if it'll ever come back... but it does - and then you're surprised at how well it does!

Stay strong!

((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I am sorry you are in pain day by day.
Sometimes I wish so badly I could stick some sense into all of the WS of the board that keep making you all cry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I agree with plan B, it is time, you cannot begin recovery with waffling, contact, and half hearted trials.

Thanks for all the replies, I am going to write him a letter, just haven't gotten around to it yet. He is coming over tonight for some financial stuff, but I am very anxious about seeing him. Now just being with him is a trigger! but I am stronger than I was when this began and I know I'll be ok. I'd just rather be ok with him, not w/o him but we can't make their choices for them. Just trying to figure out what to do and I don't want to make any quick decisions now.

Dear Day by Day,
Our situations sound pretty similar (see my signature lines below), except my kids are 15, 12, and 10, very impressionable ages, ugh! My WH was without a job and told me he was working contract work with several different companies, which I found out to be not true. Which brings me to the question of where he is all the time...I think he's gone back to OW. He comes home every day or so for a few hours sleep, and then is off again to work, or so he says. Working day and night??? I'm about to find out the truth, somehow! We're scheduled to go to a MC Friday, I don't really know why he agreed to go with me, it should prove very interesting. I don't want to give up on him, but I will not live with the lies and deception. That is not the kind of marriage I want! BTW, would you let me know about your letter, the contents, etc. I have a gut feeling I'll be writing a similar letter soon, and I have no Idea what to put in it.
I wish you the best, trust me, I know the pain you're feeling.
God bless!

KK

Dear Day by Day,
Our situations sound pretty similar (see my signature lines below), except my kids are 15, 12, and 10, very impressionable ages, ugh! My WH was without a job and told me he was working contract work with several different companies, which I found out to be not true. Which brings me to the question of where he is all the time...I think he's gone back to OW. He comes home every day or so for a few hours sleep, and then is off again to work, or so he says. Working day and night??? I'm about to find out the truth, somehow! We're scheduled to go to a MC Friday, I don't really know why he agreed to go with me, it should prove very interesting. I don't want to give up on him, but I will not live with the lies and deception. That is not the kind of marriage I want! BTW, would you let me know about your letter, the contents, etc. I have a gut feeling I'll be writing a similar letter soon, and I have no Idea what to put in it.
I wish you the best, trust me, I know the pain you're feeling.
God bless!

KK

kk2002, It is hard to live with the lies and that is why it is a relief not to have him around right now. i didn't want to hate him and the stress level was bad for both of us. I just found out so many things that I thought were true weren't and he shared every private thing in our marriage with her. I really don't know at this point if I could regain trust with him. He would have to do a radical change and he keeps saying he can't change, he's too old to change etc. He's very down about everything. Except her! Oh well, we'll see how he likes living on his own without the stuff he's used to and noone doing his laundry and cooking etc, unless his mother does it for him. She feels sorry for him and actually knows the OW they are friends now and she doesn't care if we split up. She's a b**ch! Oh well, life does go on and I am going to have a good weekend and holiday with my kids. Hope you can too.

I hate to hijack this thread, but I was getting ready to start a topic, and J.R. related the things I was going to say...

J.R. wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've found the best thing I can do in my situation (Plan B) is to simply "let go". And that means letting go completely. I provided WW with a Plan B letter, and a letting go letter. I let her know I was standing strong on my own two feet, and I hope that let her know that my apparent eagerness to work on the M is tempered by a confidence and strength in my own ability to move on without her. And my actions are tending to back that up... no phone calls, no e-mails (except business), etc. Time will tell if it "works" for the M - but it's working for me...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For those familiar with my saga, my WW walked out on me 04/27, and 3 days later I found out about the 2-year affair. I immediately became a basket case. I still loved my WW, and wanted to try to make the M work, She told me the A was over, but didn't think WE would work.

After a few weeks of Plan A, and really I had been Plan A'ing for a WHOLE lot longer trying to make up for all the times I was gone working. I had changed positions, and finally had a decent schedule.

Plan A was getting me nowhere. Although things at times looked somewhat promising, the WW filed for DV. Plan B was now official.

J.R is correct in saying that Plan B also helps the BS see reality. It did for me, too. But the big thing that I learned, is that it now placed ME in control. I no longer felt the sting of her comments and actions. Nothing the WW said or did had ANY affect on me, because there is some credence to the "what you don't know won't hurt you".

I took a long look at myself and realized that I was NOT happy the way things were. Why stay? Why on this earth did I want that misery, when I could walk away from it. When she filed for DV, that was a needed "shove".

Although I have still "monitored" her, I have NO contact with her. And, NO, the A is NOT over as she said. That I know for a fact. Pictures and videos don't lie. If it had been over, and I feel that if there had been NO contact bwtween them for 3 weeks, I might have believed it, and looked at things differently.

Although I know this is a "Marriage Builders" site, and that is its purpose, I am wise enough NOW to know that ALL don't survive. Mine isn't going to. I made that choice over the past few days.

Although this is just a "self-learned" philosophy, I feel that we sometimes are so concentrated on the WS's "addiction", that we fail to see that we may very well have one of our own. We may be "addicted" to the M, even though we KNOW it is bad for us. Not condoning the WS's actions by any means, because there is NO justification for it, we really, really need to decide what is best for US individually, and stop looking at the R itself. A bad R or M, is really not a M at all. I speak from experience. I had to let go as J.R. said.

Sure....there is withdrawal. But I believe when all the eggs are counted, we really see whether or not our motives were sincere, and for the best. I don't believe that there is ANY one on here that doesn't want their M to survive, but then again we must be realistic and true to OURSELVES.

There IS a breaking point in all of us. I have (or rather the WW has shown me) mine. It has arrived. But that is not advice to anyone, just a different perspective to look at.

In the past week, the WW has called 7 times, after a 3 week lull. I never answered ONCE. And for some reason, I felt really GOOD about it. I had found my lost self respect. I am not ashamed of that fact. That's just the way it is. I know it is killing her, or she wouldn't be calling back so often. SO you see, I am driving the train now. I am in recovery. Maybe by myself in a manner of speaking with my M, but I will NEVER be "alone". I have too many faithful family members, and I hope many good supportive friends here that I may never get the chance to meet, or know personally. But....I am in recovery, and that is ALL that matters. Being in recovery is the main thing, and if it is with your WS, then that is just an added extra.

Remember.....YOU are the one that counts.

hcii

hcii, I know what you mean about letting go and I have been thinking also why do I want this marriage? Is it because I am so used to it and being with him for so many years that it is too scary to be alone? I guess this is a good time for me to find out a few things about myself. All the things I am finding out about how he thought about our marriage was totally the opposite of how I saw it, I wonder if everything was a lie? How could I ever trust him again/ I don't know if I can. If he could lie so easily for years, then how could he change? It would take a miracle. And maybe I am addicted to the marriage or even to him. It is hard to change but I know I am stronger now than I ever have been and I know there will be alot of pain before this is over, but you are right in saying that the control is now in our hands not in theirs. He can no longer call the shots, and lie to get what he wants. I'm glad you're feeling better, I am still kind of in shock with him just leaving but I also have a supportive family and friends. I know I'll be ok.