I am new to this site, so any suggestions anyone may have would be greatly appreciated.

Long story short - Found out about WH's A first week in May. WH and OW have know each other for 25 years, but had not been in contact with each other at all until last December, 2 months after our son was born. They found each other through the Internet. We live in TX and she lives in the UK. She came to the states for a week, but that is the only physical contact that has taken place - the rest of the A is being carried on via Instant Messenger, e-mail and cell phone.

I Have thrown him out 4 times now. Each time he returned, I Plan A'd him all the way. This time, I told him he would have to have NC with OW if he wanted to return home. After several hours of very good EN sharing and discussing each other's LB's, he begged me no to make him leave. I told him he could stay until we get a BIG check we are expecting, which should come by the middle of next week. If he wanted to stay after that, he would have to cut off all contact with OW. He said he understood. Since then, he has continued talking to her - I know this to be a fact - how doesn't matter.

Now for my big question. I have been Plan A'ing WH and today, for the first time in countless months, we engaged in SF twice - this morning and this evening. Shortly before this evening's hour and a half long adventure, he called her, then had SF with me and told me the entire time how much he loves me???????? Can anyone make sense of this?

Also, is it a MB's philosophy that snooping is tabboo? If not, does anyone know of any good ways to track home computer e-mail passwords without the person knowing?

Brit's Brat, 41
WH, 43
OW, 38
Son, 8 months
Married 2 years next week
D-Day May 5, 2002

Hi Brit,

Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place. Please read the basic concepts seciton located at the top of this page. There you will find information on A and the books that will provide helpful info.

As to snooping, there is a radical honesty policy that could be anti-snooping but many of us have snooped since the info was being kept from us anyway and it was learned how conving the OP and WS hvae been behind our backs.

There is software availabe. Let's keep this post closer to the topaand someone will post some suggestions.

In the meantime, read the info above. It will hep you get a good start on what we learn and practice here.

You will learn to work on yourself and then your child, then your H. You need to realize that right now he may not be open to valid suggestions from you. Why? Just because it is coming from you. If this relationship with the OW is just as friends (as the the Ws loves to claim, then your marrigae should not feel threatened. The fact you do feel threatened should be enough of a warning sign.

L.

Some really good snooping software that will give you passwords is Starr home version. You can find it at www.iopus.com.

Here is some information Dr.Harley has written about snooping:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Q&A Column on "How Affairs Should End":
<strong>
One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is a link to the entire article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Good luck with your situation. Also read the Notable Posts on Just Found Out to see how others handled Plan A (no LBs and filling ENs) and Plan B (separation until affair completely ends).