Hi What2do ~
Well 2 things popped into my mind when I read this thread. First of all - 4 months of withdrawal/recovery is NOT very long. It's been over 2 years since I discovered my H's affair, and its been one year since we started recovery. So I had a year to get through the initial shock (and also had alot more hurt added to it with the continuation of the affair). It was STILL terrible for me when we started recovery. I am only really recently, fairly comfortable again in my marriage. Your wife is trying to rebuild AND live through the rollercoaster of complete emotional destruction. This stuff takes time. You aren't through withdrawal yet, and every time you even see this woman, it is setting you back.
So you are both still not in a really good position emotionally. 8 months from now, when your first year anniversary occurs, you will look back at NOW and be amazed at how far you have come - if you both maintain your committment to each other.
Now the other thing I thought when I read this, was that both you and your wife both aren't sure of what love is.
You have deep emotional feelings of love towards the OW. I will not tell you that you don't love the OW, because I know that for you, these emotions are quite real.
However, you will come to understand that those Love feelings are based on your own emotional needs and on how well they are being met, and that you will have those emotions towards whoever is doing a good job at meeting those needs.
Clearly your wife was not meeting your needs the way you needed them to be met. Instead of telling her (radical honesty), you choose to do something selfish, which was to allow someone else to meet those needs. The end result was that you were in love with someone else.
I'd be willing to bet that you haven't done a great job of meeting her needs either - so in addition to making up to her for the affair, you gotta make up for HER unmet needs too. Fortunately you can do both these things by learning to be an expert at meeting her needs. And if she can do the same for you - you will experience deep love in your marriage.
As for your reasons for coming home - I don't think they invalidate your emotions to the OW. I think what you did was take the first step in what is REAL substantive mature love. You chose to love your wife. You chose not to throw away the life and the vows you had built with her. THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS. Love is not so fickle that we only act on it when we feel like it. Love is commitment and promisekeeping even when we don't "feel" love.
My husband came back for the kids. Sometimes it hurts - I'd rather believe that he chose me over the OW because he had 'love' feelings for me.
He didn't. He took a hard look at his life, saw what he was doing to his children, realized that what he was doing was going to hurt everyone involved. And so, he made a choice to separate himself from the OW and to spend the rest of his life loving me. He didn't "feel" like it when he did this. It wasn't about whether or not he really felt love for the OW, it was about choosing to love me in a far deeper mature sense.
He did love her. It hurts, but its true. To deny the reality of his emotions is to disrespect him, and I love my husband too much to do that too him.
And as I posted a few days ago, a year into recovery, and my husband and I are best friends. We have a deep love growing between us - which was unimaginable a year ago as we headed into divorce court. Sometimes at night when the kids are sleeping, when we are talking about anything (filling that conversation need) I can see the look in his eyes and see how much he is enjoying sitting with me and talking. Have you ever seen "The Sims" game? When 2 characters start liking each other more during interaction, there's a little plus sign flashing above their heads. I can see that plus sign go off in spades above my husband's head on some nights!
Anyway, if you can, call the Harleys for some coaching through this recovery. They can facilitate the communication and help both of you get through this and learn to become each other's best and most expert need meeter! You will be in love again, if you can learn to do this, I promise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
