For nearly the last few months our level communications have dwindled to minimal.

Ever since the D'Day, it has been reducing drastically. Even if I try and start, only answer it gets is by recrimination. I have actually stopped communicating due to fear of engaging LBs.

Any suggestion from any one. In my case I am the WH and my wife of 26 years marriage is the BS. However, I am very repentent and have no contact with OW. These were casual ONS many years back.

My wife says she wants the marriage to work, but she has not yet achieved Personal Recovery. Still in deep fog and pain.

I am ready to do every thing possible to help and willing to face any/all eventualities.

Need comments from people with similar experience.

Ash

Ash,
We here at MB are glad to hear that you are making such a strong effort to save your M. I am a bit unsure about some of the details to you situation, but maybe I can toss out a few ideas and you can go from there...

First thing, be patient! Change will come. If you try and force the issue on her it might only push her further.

Have you tried a letter? Although I was the BS, I found that my WW has saved all that I have wrote to her expressing my love and willingness to work on the situation.

Instead of trying to persuade her to come back to the M, show her she has something to come back to. Work on yourself instead. Of course, this will involve no LBing when the two of you meet. The best thing is to not bring up the A (unless she wants to discuss the matter). Otherwise just show her what a great guy you are!

Also, read, read, read about this subject! There a a lot of books out there on this topic.

Good Luck to you!

Sweden

Hi ash,

it's sounds good to hear when a WS writes that he really wants to make his
marriage work out again. I too am the BS and my H and I have been in recovery
since d-d Jan.01

I can just say what really helped me alot. But I'm not saying this was either easy
(for neither of us) nor was this a fast process. I still have my bad days, even though this has really calmed down alot.

I needed the feeling that he really didn't want to loose me. I needed him to feel the pain that I was going through and still have from time to time.
We had actually even cryed together on some very hurting occasions.
What really helped me was when we went on a trip for 2 weeks on our own.
(Caribic) This brought back our romantic love. We were able to really fall back into love
and give each other full attention. We actually didn't talk about my H affair
the whole time. I didn't have any desire to at all.
It just made me feel good again. The hard work happened after that.

We recovered in different steps. Sometimes we were thinking that we had just
went back 100 steps and within 1-2 days we realized that we actually didn't,
we had made a tiny step forwards.

The most important thing that counts and you have already said it is: that you as
the WS are willing to go through all of these ups and downs.
No matter how difficult it will be, if your wife truely sees that you are truely doing this,
she will start to regain trust again.

I must admit, I was very hard and difficult many times and I was also very unfair
to my H sometimes. I truely admire him and respect him that he stuck with me
and really gave me his shoulder to lean on. This brought back alot of trust again.

I am aware that if he really didn't love me and feel remorse for what he had done
he would of just left me. But he went through all levels of our recovery.

I can understand what your wife is going through, it is truely the most painfull
experience one can go through.
Her main EN now will probably be: affection and admiration. She will need to get
the feeling that she can let herself fall and you will be there, no matter what.

Anger outbursts will be the pain inside, it is hell. This will happen over and over again.
You will have to tell her things over and over again until she will be getting comfortable.
Depression might come up, so be aware. Anti-Depressive med. might help in her case.
Showing your concern will never be a LBer.
Do as much reading in MB as you can, it has worked for us and many others.
You sound as if you are going the right direction and I'm sure you will make it and your marriage will probably become better than ever.

We have been married for 22 years and I can definately say: I have never been so happy
before and I don't regret going through all of this, it was worth it.

hugs
BB