OKAY,

So WS has been home for about 12 days and it seems we are ALREADY in the same RUT as before. The first few days were GREAT...but as time goes on...she withdrawals more and is VERY agitated. We are falling into the same patterns as before which led to our un-happiness AND her having an affair !!

The problem in a nut-shell is TIME. We don't have or MAKE time for "us". Our us time is after the kids are in bed and the house is picked up etc. Then it's late and time for us to go to bed. The last 3 nights it's been the same thing. Go to bed...she says how tired she is...end of story. No conversation, no affection, no SF....This is what lead to our problems before. How do other couples with busy schedules and kids make together time ?

She is also in serious withdrawl from the OM and is moody and very edgy and upset at about anything that doesn't go her way. I am about last on her list of priorities right now and that hurts......

I never dreamed of recovery being harder than seperation, but it's seeming that way. Where's the passion, where's the make-up time, where's the closeness and affection ????? Where's the openess ? She would rather ignore it and pretend it didn't happen..and NOT talk about it.

After waiting for her for 11 months, now she comes back and is in withdrawal.....when will she ever even TRY to meet my needs ? It's still all about her ! When will the images of her and HIM get outta my head ?

How do other couples with kids MAKE time to be together ? Seems so simple a thing, yet so hard to get done and make a priority.

Sad Daddy,
Patience...I know it feels like it has been a long time already, but the recovery will take some time. Don't throw away the gains you have made! One step at a time.
Are the two of you in MC? If not, maybe that is an appropriate step right now, at least to effectively communicate to her how you are feeling. Have you planned anything for just the two of you? Maybe try another approach.
In my case (last A-round), it took several months after she decided to work on the relationship before there was any sort of SF again. You'll probably get more action out of a blowup doll right now anyway, so don't sweat it.

So you are doing great! Just relax and enjoy life and the kids; you really won't be able to enjoy her again for a while if she is still in withdrawl. Put yourself in a good position for when she pops out of it...

Good Luck!

Sweden

sad daddy,

I always wondered that myself, I don't think that me and my H have ever had a lot of time together, that is one of the problems in our marriage, which is one of the reasons my H said he has had an affair(don't know if it's true or not)but I am trying to find some way to at least get rid of the kids for a couple of hours at least 1 day of week for me,I don't know a lot of people where I live and family is so far away.

I am looking into a couple of day cares by the hour and different camps, but I do think that couples have to make time for themselves, although I am just now seeing this, after the affairs, I do see it now.

It is tough when all the harder realities and responsibilities of marriage begin to take over. But if you want the marriage to be fun and alive again, you have to do the work. We're working on that right now too.

I am concerned that you guys only had a few really good days before the withdrawl set back in. Are you sure there hasn't been contact? Is she talking to you at all about how she feels or what she's thinking? When I really "got it" it was much easier to let go of the fantasy life I'd built in my head with the OM, and we were "really good" for more like 6 months!

Dear Hope4Future,

I am ready, willing and able to do the work. SHE is the one who doesn't want to talk about it, wants to ignore it, keeps saying "I don't know what you want from me !". I don't know if there's been contact. She did tell me the only time she called him and left a message. Her mother doesn't think she has...because she has called her in tears when she wanted to call him.

She is really in withdrawal which leads me to believe that she hasn't called him. Why do you think that she might have ?

It's not that it's bad between us, it's just that we have gotten back to there being NO US TIME in our marriage and not sure how to find or make us time with 3 kids and taking care of them !!

Recovery sure isn't easy....i can tell ya that !!!