I guess it is time to take a Poll.

Please see my other Post. Should I Plan A or Plan B.

<small>[ July 03, 2002, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: dreamland ]</small>

DreamLand,
Have you noticed the poll Space submitted -- over 70% say Plan B is necessary. Have to be careful & acess what is right for you.
You know you have every right & it is somewhat natural for a person in your situation to be really upset.
Who knows, maybe she is doing this to get some attention -- to see if you will show some emotion to fight for her! IMHO, the plan B thing, like Dobson's book is not a final boot as such, it's intent, I believe is to send a specific message --you have your limits & you care about the marriage, otherwise you would be filing for D, but thee are certain things you will not tolerate & being together is creating too much resentment & anger and that you do nit whish to become a "doormat!" You have some say in protecting yourself!!
You may know that the bible spoeaks of an unconditioanl kind of love & that we should committ to the other person's needs -- well, I believe this assumes the other partner has some sense for recripical feelings and actions!

I honestly do not believe it is healthy for us continue to promote or pursue a relationship where it is so one-sided -- where we are the only ones visiblily trying to contribuite. This is when a "Time Out" is warranted.
Again, my prayers are with you!
HH

Once Plan A has been established and a good foundation is laid Plan B is crucial if there is no change. For me, I was Plan A'ing before I knew what Plan A was. Plan B was effective at each D Day or continued contact (see my signature line).

I do not think Plan B is effective without any Plan A and with a BS who is chaotic and out of control EVEN though they are chaotic and out of control for GOOD reason!!!!

So I am not comfortable in a selection in your poll. I don't think you can have one without the other AND I think that BOTH have USUALLY been implemented before recovery begins.

Plan B cannot work if if is not preceded by a good Plan A. I guess sometimes we make the assumption that everyone here is familiar with all of this, and maybe they are not. This could lead to confusion.

I think DL should clarify that to answer this poll, one must first read his thread(s) especially the new one about confronting the WW and OM.

And DL; remember this is a poll that will give you answers for a specific point in time (today, a few days) only. Your situation could change drastically overnight. (Maybe the OMW throws him out, maybe OM calls your W and says it's OVER, maybe...)

Also, It's not totally black or white - Plan A or Plan B.

If your W is in withdrawal from the "addiction," then a certain amount of flip-flopping is normal.

Not sure YOU can answer this, but look at the evidence. WAS she sincere in her claims the A is over? If she was, but she "back-slid" and had contact, this could just be a symptom of that contact. You would need to be there for her, reassure her that she hasn't totally messed up, and proceed from there.

Remember, two steps forward, one step back is pretty much the norm for recovery.

Take care and God Bless.

lupolady,

She was sincere about the A being over. It was just a flip flop in my mind. I think the contact of OM continuing to pursue her hard made her think that maybe he did change his intentions. When she found out he had not, she nipped it in the bud again and told OM not to call her again.

That said, she said that feeling wise, she does not want the A to end. She hopes that he will call.

Here's my MAIN REASON for voting for Plan A...

"I personally don't honestly believe your love bank for her is drained enough yet!!!!"

That SHOULD BE the main influencer in deciding... that's the line from Steve (aka Horse's Mouth) anyway. How's your love bank doin'? Doing it for any other reason is doing it with an expectation in mind, which is a "bad thing".

DL, at the risk of highjacking your thread and p-ing you off. Thank you for asking this. I don't know your situation so I won't vote, but I'm at the same place as you. I am hurting mighty bad as H is foggy again and its backslided from a warm to decidedly cool position.

I love this man with all my heart. I don't know what else to do now, so I am thinking B. I see that most agree B is necessary, but then JR says about the love bank. So how do you know?

Did the poll answer your question? Are you making a decision based on it?

I feel like I'm getting ready to divorce my H right now getting ready for B. I don't want a divorce I want my H to come and work on it.

Dear Dreamland,
I'm sorry about not posting at this bad time for you - haven't been able to get to a computer for any length of time other than a quick peek at things.

I do agree that it isn't cut and dried yet - I don't think A is over until she realizes that it is BAD for HER - not just for her family - she hasn't got to this place yet - all she can think about is her own feelings and no-one elses and she is going to wish and hope for a long time that the OM changes and does something to prove to her that she is no. 1 - I don't think he wil, but she will grasp at straws for a long time.

As to whether or not to plan B - if you think you have had enough and she is never going to shift on this without being pushed, that's the time for plan B, as I understand it.

I just want to say something that no-one else seems to have pointed out, yet. If you do go to plan B, and she ends up with OM (in and out of her life, while continuing to lie to his wife, or living with her if OMW kicks him out), your children also end up with OM in their life, and you no longer have ANY control over what happens to them while they are in her care. This is a problem for a lot of other people on this forum with children. You have no respect for OM, especially for his weasel ways with his own children. It's a fact of life that if you and your wife split custody of the children 50/50 - that this man, if he is still in her life, will be disciplining your boys AND they will witness his behaviour towards her as part of their male role-modelling - no matter what you do.

OM's character, should you go to plan B, should make you think of trying for sole custody of your boys. They are not girls - they are boys and that is a big difference - boys NEED a GOOD role model - they also need stability. Her behaviour is very detrimental and damaging to their well-being - yes, she is a good mother when she is with them - but in the long run, what she is doing now is deeply affecting to their future. She is living in a fantasy world where only her feelings count and she thinks that if only OM would love her like she wants him to, and they could be together, they could all be happy families again.

The hard facts are (and I know this for sure, since I researched it) is that boys whose mothers suffer from PND do badly in school if their mothers are not treated and the depression and upheaval continue. Boy babies need their own mother's face to bond with - boy toddlers have a greater need to be with their own mother than girl children. Girl children are able to bond and relate to other people besides their mother - they have a greater ability to read emotions on other people's faces. Boy babies do not - they need their own mother's face in order to learn to respond. She is letting her children down in a big way by indulging herself in this horribly destructive affair and is kidding herself if she thinks she can repair the damage later.

I also wonder if she is going into PND for the second time - she should get herself to a doctor and get herself onto anti-depressants ASAP - that would be the responsible thing for her to do. Only after that would you and she be better able to judge her mental state.

Also - she REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to look at the OM - he is someone who preyed on a woman suffereing from PND - if this hasn't occured to her already, it ought to.

Firm words from me to her.

You, IMHO are holding together really well, as so many people have said. I really hope something changes for the better with you soon. You seem to have discovered wells of strength and patience in yourself that you never knew you had.

Odile

DL -

Just a FYI since you might have gotten the wrong oppinion about my comments on your other thread. I think you should continue Plan A and that is how I voted. Of course you have the final say in this decision, but I think there is too much going on right now for plan B to be effective. If OM doesn't contact your WW, she will go into withdrawl (not her choice, but it will happen). Given this state of mind, plan B may not sink in the right way with your W. Oh well, this is just MHO.