Well, let's just say I am a bit stunned at the moment.

My WW just called me after not talking to her in about 10 days.

The topic: Getting back together...

She says it's time we try to make this work...

She says she knows she has been "messed up."

She says she wants to make this work "cause you are my fella."

She says she knows I have heard this before (we flunked at our previous recovery attempt last year) but she says this time it's not just words and she will show me...

She says she knows I have no reason to believe her but she wants to make it work and to do that we have to begin spending some time together.

She asks "do you still love me?"

Elad says yes...

But Elad says he has gone thru this before and heard her say things like this.

She says she knows that and Elad has every reason to be skeptical but this time she "knows" how she feels inside.

Elad says there have to be parameters and boundaries this time around because the last time just didn't work.

She says she understands and that Elad is right...there need to be boundaries.

She says she knows it won't be easy and it will take a lot of work but we need to be honest and caring and communicate with each other.

She says she realizes there are no guarantees and we have to go slow and maybe Elad will find out this isn't what he wants after all. But she says we need to try and that she wants to try.

She says she is not the crazy basket case she has been.

What caused this epiphany? Who knows?

She has been spending alot of time on her own lately trying to sort things out and maybe something clicked...she has been on anti-deps and I know they have helped to clear her mind some.

For now I will take this the same way I have taken everything for the past year and half...a day at a time...maybe I will find out this isn't want I want; maybe I will find out that this is sham again...

But at least for now...in one phone conversation she said all the right things...but as we know saying is one thing....doing is another...

We'll see....

E

WOW, what I wouldn't give to hear those things. Good luck Elad. I hope for the best and keep us posted.

This is a wonderful step Elad. Yes, I hear and understand your caution. I spoke all these same words to my husband, and now we are almost at our 1 yr. anniversary of recovery. It's quite possible in all the alone time she has actually looked at the skeletens in her closet and saw just how awful they are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It's quite possible that she is really beginning to feel your pain and it hurts to know she has done this to you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You still have a long road ahead, but if she is sincere, and I pray she is, she will show you in actions as well as words that you are the only one she wants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Don't be afraid to see her actions as real. I'm not suggesting that you jump head strong into this, caution is good and perfectly understandable (and I'm sure she will feel the same), but do see the realities in her eyes and actions - and tell her this.

My best to you. This is good news. Good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Elad; you know how it goes; The words open the door, the actions keep it open...cautious optimism, wary eyes, open arms!

This is great news! Hope it's real! Good Job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

tutter said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's quite possible that she is really beginning to feel your pain and it hurts to know she has done this to you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She did allude to thison the phone that she knows she hurt me and that there are really no words she can say to take that way butthat she wants to try to make it up to me...

Like I said..a lot of the right words...but we'll see and, yes, all...I am wary and will take it slow, but compared to a few months ago when she said she had no interest in trying...well this is a big step for her...

thanks for your support

E

Elad-

An interesting conversation. I hope to hear some similar words from my W some day. I think it would be appropriate for you to ask your W what her plan for recovery would look like. Don't try to teach her and tell her what you need. She probably knows this. You need to feel safe. What is her plan? Doing nothing isn't going to work. Give her a little time to think about it.

Oh, and if you didn't tell her how you felt about her phone call, you made a mistake. Did the conversation make you happy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Were you left confused? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Are you scared (it would only be natural since you don't want to be hurt again). Be sure to be honest with her. Demonstrate that you appreciate the steps she took by letting down your guard a little.

Good luck.

HoFS

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

but get a plan & make her a willing part of the plan.

good luck

SC,
Another quote of yours that deserves signature line status!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The words open the door, the actions keep it open...cautious optimism, wary eyes, open arms! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah for you Elad!!!

The only thing you have to lose is your sanity and I don't know one of us here who has retained our sanity, so you have nothing to lose my friend.

Enjoy the ride, good luck!

E

The disbelief will stay... I have moments of disbelief and 'wonder' everyday... I just pray about it and wait for the 'action.' So far so good.

I wish the same for you.

I am grinning for you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cali

Hey Elad,

Actually, this sounds VERY familiar... I heard this 7 months ago.

We were re-married last weekend. It's been great!

Take it slow!

Good luck!

Hi Elad ~

I'm having deja vu reading your post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The first time we tried recovery, I was way too accomodating, and Steve Harley told me to divorce my husband because he wasn't "getting it".

Like you, my husband came back later and said to me very similar things to me that your wife said to you.

What I did differently the second time was that I was extremely clear about what I needed, and I asked him what HIS plan was to help us recover.

His plan met my needs and then I gave it another month of watching his actions. It was like night and day - without a doubt my husband's actions said he wanted our marriage. THATS when I let him move home, not a day before.

Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need - if she balks, then either she isn't serious, or she doesn't have what it takes to recover.

You might start by insisting that she talk to Steve Harley before anymore talk of reconciliation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>The only thing you have to lose is your sanity and I don't know one of us here who has retained our sanity, so you have nothing to lose my friend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JTW: Boy ain't that the truth!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thank you all for your kind replies...

I do plan to have a plan...something that makes sense this time because last time around we had no plan. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

She just moved back in and it was like we tried to pick up from where we were before. It did not work. Her heart wasn't in it...she was still in some sort of fog. Now she says there is no more OM and this is just us...again we'll see.

It scares me a little that I can think she is a phone call or e-mail away from going backwards.

But in all of this we all need to conquer some fear. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of what we will find out about ourselves.

I said here a long time ago that for me Strength was Faith + Courage.

Faith that I was doing the right thing.

Courage to continue on the path I was on. And that equaled:

Strength to continue each and every day. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't used that to get me thru the day.

The other thing is that at some point I kind of just turned this over to God...I mean I literally said: "Here, you take care of this and get back to me when you have it figured out, 'cause I can't do it anymore." Maybe this is His answqer...maybe there is another one down the road. We'll see.

So, this is not what I expected when I woke up this morning and for now I will take it for what it is...one phone call; one conversation. I am not sure where it will lead, but I willing to try to travel the road.

I appreciate all the support I receive from my MB friends....

Thanks again...you folks are the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

E

Wow! That sounds very much like the conversation I had with my hubby when we got back together and made it work! I basically admitted fault, and promised to do whatever it took to prove I was really committed to making things work. And I did...every step of the way. And here we are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a VERY Happy 4th!!!

Alright! Rock on!

Any words of wisdom, little secrets for us newbies? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Elad,

Good news!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Good news with a plan. Even better yet, good new with a plan and a working agreement.

See she is willing to consider your requests and opinions, now that's progress. The actions need to match the words. That may be a given to most but needs to be stipulated to the WS. Fog lifting?? A good sign.

You are also right to be cautious. I sense you are in a much stronger emotional state now than the last time. Good.

Now you will make progress and she will learn to follow in your footsteps and eventually move to your side so you 2 can walk down life's path together, hand in hand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let Mrs. Elad know that we are smilin'!

(only if it gives more points in your Lv bank!)
L.

Elad,

That's awesome!!! Make the plan and work it together!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Elad,
Even when my H & I had 6 failed reconciliations, when he said he wanted the 7th, and spent 3-4 months showing me changes--going to our counselor alone, anti-deps, being accountable to me, not bar-hopping or hanging with disreputable friends, men's Bible study--I knew that if I did not give it the last try, I'd always wonder.

And, I think it was Trustntruth who kept bringing up forgiveness 70 X 7.

That was over 2 years ago. I have a great husband, a recovered marriage, and healing happening all the time.

Do make up a plan, you don't have to be in a hurry to move back in together. Some changes can happen without that. My H kept his house for 3 months after he actually was living at home, a safety net that helped him and I figured, if he used the safety net...I had my answer to go through with the divorce, the papers were already signed, my safety net.

I knew for me, if both my H & I put forth the effort, it was likely we could recover, and when we did the effort, we began recovering.

It is my belief that even if this last reconciliation had failed, I would not have regretted trying. If it failed tomorrow, I have no regrets about being with my husband these last 2 years.

Best wishes and courage to you, I know how scary it is to just say "ok", to plan to bring the protective walls down, and to accomplish it.

Elad -

I'm glad I stuck to my guns and with the subtle R building suggestions versus plan B in your other post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

In all seriousness, this is really great news. Your W and you now have an opportunity so take advantage of it. I would caution you to take it slow. She has admitted that she feels like she needs to get to know you again...don't go overboard, you need to start slow with this relationship as if you were dating (of couse I could be wrong this time...so use your best judgement, it seems to have worked for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).