I have done a lot of reading but never posted. My H left the house about a month ago. He has been having an EA for several years now. I have thought that he was for about 3 years but finally confronted him about 1 1/2 years ago. I was very calm about it and tried to find out if he was in love with the OW. He said he did'nt know. He eventually said that he wanted to try to work it out and save our marriage. Said he could give OW up. We went to counseling 5 times then he decided he did not want to go anymore. He eventually went to an individual counseler but hated him and refused to go back. Went and got on anti-depres and was doing much better. Things got better. Then they started going down hill again. I found out that they were exchanging pages and calls again. Finally told him to give her up or leave. He said he would leave. We needed to wait for our son to return from a trip so he was going to wait until the weekend. It was Tuesday when we decided. On Thursday, he decided that he didn't want to leave me, his kids(3)or his dog and he would tell her the next day. The next night he hadn't told her. I confronted him and he told me to let him do it his way. I was finally strong enough to tell him no. Then he decided he had a revelation overnight and he needed take care of his depression so he was going to live with his brother. He left. My confusion is that he calls me every day and I see him 5 out of 7 days of the week. He has gone back to counseling for himself and gotten back on the anti-dep. But I am confused. Should I just continue to be understanding and support him. We have no hatred toward each other and we never fight. We have been married almost 20 years and never have spent much time apart. But we have not shared much emotionally with each other. I believe that I am doing the right things but just need some reassurance. I have seen so may excellent posts on here that I might could benefit from some of you.

He sounds really confused right now...which is very difficult for you to live with.

You need to read, read, read, all the concepts and articles that are on this site. Very good info.

Do you know about PlanA and PlanB? I think plan A would be wonderful for both you and your H at this point. Do you know about His Needs and Her Needs? You can download the questionaire and fill them out for both you and your H.

Your marriage sounds like it still has a lot of potential--but it will take a lot of work. Counseling with the Harleys would be great. There are many people here who have posted wonderful sites with tons of information. Look them up--they will help you immensely. Take Care Pat

Thanks, I will read everything I can. Just got off the phone with him. He started taking AD today and sounded kinda drugged. He hasn't told anybody we are even seperated except his family and the OW. Asked him what she thinks and he says she just wants him to be happy. She works with him. He says that they are not going out in public. I would think that if he loved this woman it wouldn't matter what other people think. I am so confused.

almost20years,

My WS also moved out for a couple of months, yet we saw each other every day. She would even spend some nights at home. At the time we had been married almost20years, 19 to be exact.

I don't really know what to say to make this situation better. There really isn't much a stranger can say except that I understand what you are having to deal with.

For myself, I tried everything I could imagine. Plan A helped but did not make her come back to me. She did eventually move back home due to financial concerns. But I saw no effort from her to recover.

After a year I gave up. Almost as if a light went off and I just did not care any more. I became friends with another woman and this is when something happened to my wife. I guess she finally awoke to the fact that she could lose me. That I would not allow things to continue as they had for the past year. This is when she basically started Plan Aing me.

She has worked her tail off to show me that she is serious about repairing us. That she wants me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She chooses me!!!

I don't know if she realizes how close we were to divorce.

The best advice I can give is to take all the crap you can take, then don't take it any longer. But you need to build the foundation that shows your love first. If you don't know what I mean then you need to READ READ READ everything on the main site which is here Marriage Builders
Read all the articles.

I wish you the best.

jd

Been lurking awhile. I am still in the same situation but am still not sure if I am doing the right things. I am still very supportive. He did seem to become closer when I started going out and doing things. He is pretty much at my house every day. I talk to him at least twice a day. (he calls me) I am just afraid. I am scared that he will think that he can do both. We set a time frame when he moved out. We decided that we would evaluate for the summer. Well the summer is coming close to an end and I am scared. I know that I will not be happy unless he has NC with OW. They work together so this is hard. How do I reassure myself that it is not going to go back to how it was last time. He tells me that the difference is that this time he is not fighting it. He says he wants to be with me.He is working to make himself able to communicate with me effectively. He is afraid that if he lets me to close to him I will hurt him. He had a rough childhood and has never had much trust in anyone. He has built a wall. Any suggestions.

Well from what you read you need to be in either Plan A or Plan B. I would recommend going with a good Plan A for awhile before moving to Plan B. Plan A to the best of your abilities. Good luck and stay strong. And don't think you are the only one dealing with all of this. Look how many people are here in the same boat with you.