I am so confused.

I met my husband on the internet playing a game. Our characters even married in game after we had met in rl. As our rl relationship continued, he decided to move to live near me. A year later we married. We play computer games together and some apart but it is a major part of our recreation. We wanted a family right away and started one, lost our first child due to a delivery accident. Waited 6 months and tried again, and lost twins at 17 weeks. This time was hard for us but we both felt our marriage was strong. My H was depressed and acting funny. I found out that during the time I lost my second baby my H had started an online affair. The affair is fantasy with rl inuendos. I was devastated when I found out and it took me 3 days to tell him what I knew. During this time I asked repeatedly if he was addicted to the internet or if he was in love with someone online. He said He would never cheat on me. I tried for 3 days to get the truth, for I had snooped and knew what he was saying to this woman. It was killing me that he could look me straight in the eye and say I love you. I want you. I want to try to have children again. He seems very sincere. But still no confession. Finally I told him what I knew, that I knew he was having an online affair. He has never met the woman, never plans to as far as I can tell and the OW is married and sees the relationship as just friends “special online lover friends”. With this I asked the same questions again. Do you want to be free to pursue this affair for real. (He will not call it an affair). He doesn’t see it that way. His interpretation is that it is a fantasy that he is using to satisfy his sexual desires that I could not while I was ill during the pregnancies. He does not want to admit that it is wrong. He has said he wants our marriage to be a strong one, and has no intention of ever leaving me. He has me in real life and he loves our real life. I did too, until I realized that while I was just playing computer games, he was playing a different kind of game. He is totally escaping into another reality, one where he is not fettered by marriage to me. In conversations he has said He is selfish, that maybe he has a sexual problem but we are only barely scratching the surface. I feel better with him having told me and this gives me hope that we can get beyond this. But I also feel this is an uphill climb I have because he seems to think his behavior is harmless. Based on what I read on this website, I am trying not to be judgemental so we can communicate effectively. It seems to be working because as each day goes by I learn a little more about his distorted perceptions. Is this what a plan A is? I do not yet have the book, but I do want to make our marriage work. I fear I am enabling him to just have his cake but I also feel that sometimes the fog is lifting for him and he has some understanding that his behavior is wrong.

Any input would be helpful.

I have had others say to me to kick him to the curb, that I am giving too much, but I know it was his poor way of coping with the loss of our children that led to this affair and its wrong and ****ty and I do not like it, but I want our marriage to work. I feel he does love me. We have spent a lot of time talking about this, and he says if I want he will end the affair. I said I felt that online affair of the nature that he was having was not appropriate. I wanted to be the one meeting his intimacy needs, not some woman he considered “safe” since they would never meet. On the part of the OW, she too is in her own state of denial, married and will never leave her husband and stating this will just stay online.

My ultimate goal if for the online affair to end and to help him have better coping skills so it cannot happen again. We have started with honesty. He has agreed to tell me what he is doing, to stop behavior that hurts me, but it is only a beginning negotiation. We still disagree on where the boundaries lie. (he feels online fantasy is okay and thinks this is what he has with her, I disagree). I feel better than I did 3 days ago since the communication lines are open, some honesty has occurred (I think) and he has committed to resolving the issue, but wish it didn’t seem like there were so many issues to go. Am I making progress? Or am I in denial?

Luci

Luci,

He is the one who is in denial. What you have described is an emotional affair, and is just as damaging as a physical affair. We have many on this website, including me, who have had or are the betrayed spouses of those who had emotional affairs. However, he can call it a baloney sandwich, it still bothers you and is destroying your feelings for him and thusly, your marriage - that alone makes it wrong.

You are perfectly within reason to ask that he quit this affair immediately. He needs to understand how very destructive affairs are to a marriage and for him to think that this is harmless fun tells me he is deep in a fog. These affairs are devastating.

The next step is to determine WHAT is lacking in your marriage that led him to pursue this online affair. If that is not delved into and resolved this will happen again. A good start would be the Emotional Needs questionairre. I would read as much as you can on this website and consider counseling with the Harleys or some other counselor who embraces MB principles.

<small>[ July 04, 2002, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hi Luci,

What your H is having is an EA (emotional affair). This is the worst and hardest to break. Why? Because physical gets old a lot quicker than emotional. It is much easier to keep the fantasy going in an EA than a PA. Doesn't make sense but it is true. Given that piece of knowledge, I recommend that you read the basic concepts above. You need to get proper understanding of the purpose of plan A and B in order to utilize it properly to help you and if able, help your M. See to help your M, both you and your H must work together. But there are things you can do to help both of you.

It is very important you read the info here and not just post. We are not professionals but living examples of the pain caused by the A.

My H had an on-line A. It went EA to PA quite quickly. Another friend who both her and her H played those on-line games lost her H for a while to the OW in another state. He actually went and lived with the OW for a couple of months. The relationship with the OW went sour fast but the damage was done. They are now in recovery as are we but last year we (both BS - betrayed spouses) were basically basket cases, trying very hard to save our individual marriages. There are many more cases like this.

U need to realize that the OWs on-line choose to be OWs on-line and some are quite agressive. The one I had to deal with went looking for a specific nationality and type of MM. She herself was a MW. Please see my sig line and get a very brief insight of what that on-line A did to our family.

If your H is willing to work with a MC or even talk with you to either STeve or Jennifer via phone counseling, it is a good option. He may not realize how hot the fire he is playing with actually is. Those OWs can be very demanding and what they say verses what they really mean can be very hurtful. Your H needs to be aware of that.

The books Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs are 2 good books to start off with. The basic concepts section above give an overview of those books along with an emotional needs questionnaire. Take the questionnaire - both of you should take it.

Let us know what you think.

L.

After reading the website and finding the articles to be helpful. I got the book surviving an affair. I read the book. My husband doesnt consider what he is doing an affair so I doubt he will read the book. My H. believes we have a strong marriage and feels he is honest with me. Very confusing. Feels his online woman is just a friend but you dont have cybersex with friends in my view. I believe our losses drove him back to poor coping skills he used as a bachelor. Quick pick me up, flirt online and get your ego stroked. He has committed to building a stronger marriage and has opened up some. He does clam up totally when I refer to his online relationship as an affair and note that it hurts me. He has acknowledged he wouldnt want me to do the same. He agreed to take the EN questionaire but got really uncomfortable giving the answers but concurred it did give us some issues to discuss. I knew that when I was ill, I wasnt able to satisfy some of his needs but doing the questionaire while painful did clarify issues to target. He is anti counseling and so I will work on what I can based on my research. I didnt realize that I wasnt meeting some of his emotional needs. He seems confused himself and has trouble articulating. In the past I have responded with emotion when he noted things he wanted to change so I realize this may be part of his issue. We both have made mistakes. I feel like this is some progress, but at moments feel overwhelmed by the number of things to work on.

Luci

Dear Luci,

Our stories are similar in that I have suffered several miscarriages and lost twins shortly after delivery. When I suffered the miscarriages, my H and I did not have children and we were trying so hard to start a family.

Without realizing it, I became so focused on babies and pregnancy that years later, after my H had an affair (which resulted in the OW becoming pregnant), he told me that he felt helpless and hopeless watching me grieving and obsessed over having a family. He started to believe that having children was more important to me than he was.

This was also a very bad way of coping with the losses. My H was not very good at communicating his feelings back then, so he escaped into the fantasy of being a different person -- anyone he chose to be. He met another woman, told her all sorts of lies -- made up a personality that he always wanted to have.

I encourage you to talk openly and honestly to your H about the feelings he was experiencing that caused this lapse in fidelity. Try not to become angry, listen with your head not your heart, and try to understand his point of view.

If you love your H and you believe he loves you, then fight for your marriage. Friends are too ready sometimes to offer advice that they would not even follow. There let your heart be your guide and don't care what other people think.

Good luck. I hope you can address this situation and work out the feelings that led your H down this path.

love,
heavenly