I am so utterly sad. This affair of my husband have been going on for for over a year. I have known for about 8 months. I just keep thinking it is over, however there it is again.

The latest stund he pulled is that he took my 3 youngest children(oldest knows who she is) to get fireworks with her out of town. They met there, with her little boy too(3). I am just sick.

I packed his bags he wouldn't go. So I confided in my sister in law again. She then told one sister in law and on it went around the family. Now his family knows it is going on again.

We spent the 4th alone. Doubt anyone wanted to be around him. They are a very religious family, they are very close,, and loving.

However he got a wrong number on his pager today. His work was closed too. It was probably her, she has it . He denys it. JUst yesterday, my oldest son said he was talking with her on the phone while we were all at a birthday party.

My pain is so great. I have been doing weird things. I tripped up the curb, almost got hit by a car. I cut my hand at work(at a library) needed stitches. Then I can't sleep. Have cronic diareha. My chest pain is coming back. I just feel dead.

I don't know what to do. The priest that was helping us, left to another state. He just cant' let her go. I just can't let him go, and he can't go . He is torn. MY heart aches. I can't go on. I tryed suicide 1 month ago. I just hurt so much. Yet I go to work, smile at my children, and go on. I just wanted to conect with someone and tell of my utter pain. I am so stupid. Why can't I let him go?

We have been married almost 18 years have 4 children. Ages 16 to 4. We are Catholic. I am sick of praying, I feel so bad for saying this. I can't think anymore. What should I do. Should I give ultimatums? He is such a lier, I don't know him anymor. He is a great, or was a great father. Thank you for listening!

I can hear the pain and desperation in your post. Unfortunately when a spouse is in an intense emotional/physical affair its almost as if they are totally obsessed with only THEIR needs and can't see the pain the devastation they are causing. They are numb to it and avoid it because they can't face the consequences of what they are doing.If they DID they would have to make a decision to end the A or work on their marriage. I think its time for your H to have a serious wake-up call. Have you read James Dobson's book Love Must be Tough? I suggest you read it as soon as possible. There are sample letters in there you could use to state your case with your H. I realize that you are religious ( I am too!) and don't want a D. I definitely didnt want one either. However if I had put up with H's behavior indefinitely he was losing respect for me, I was losing respect for myself and OW was constantly putting me down and telling him our marriage was 'hopeless' that divorce wouldn't harm our 3 kids, that I only wanted him for his money, etc etc and day by day she was turning my H into someone he had never been before!his values began to become so skewed that he was like a stranger to me.My pastor told me that this is the spiritual battle of all time.I spent alot of time reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife. Asking God how could he let this happen to my family. My advice to you is to follow the advice in the book Love Must be Tough. I did and it was very helpful in getting my H off the fence. In my case I had to consult a lawyer since H constantly threatened divorce and he told me that with some paperwork he could have H out of our home within a few wks time. When I told H this he flipped out as he thought he could stay on the couch downstairs thru the whole D process!( He had moved out to live with OW for a month but then moved back in because his lawyer told him living elsewhere could affect his chances of getting custody of our 3 kids so after that he camped out on the couch downstairs!) I finally summoned up all my courage and told him he better start looking for his own apt. SOON. Though he should be more worried about his 'eternal home.'I think once you find the inner strength to stand up to your H he will begin to respect you for it( though he wont admit it to you yet) and realize what he has to lose. Right now he's got no incentive to change.I"ll keep you in my prayers- I know how hard this is when you don't want a divorce. lifeismessy

Meara,
I am so sorry for your pain. It is definitely the worst type of pain to go through. I wish there was something we could do to make it easier to get through, but there isn't. The roller coaster analogy is so true.

You are on a very good site to get help and advice. Please read, read, read all you can get your hands on here....there is some valuable information. I don't think I would have made it this time without the help and advice.

Do you have friends and family you can confide in. In my H's past affairs, I didn't have that--this time my friends and family have been so supportive. I don't know what I would have done without them either.

Come and vent here...that is what we are here for. Life is still beautiful....and I know it is hard to hear that it will get better--but it will. It may not be what you envisioned your life to be---but God definitely has a plan for you--I truely believe that.

I have become a better person for having to go through this again. At first, I was so miserable, I couldn't eat, sleep, and had a hard time at work. It does get easier tho---Hang in there and try to focus on you. You were a wonderful person before your relationship with your spouse, find that person again and try to start enjoying life once again. Life flies by so quickly--don't give up on it. Take Care Pat

Consequences. Has he had to experience any consequences for continuing to betray you and his children? Don't expect him to stop and realize what he's got to lose until he has to deal with the consequences, there is no reason for him to.

Eight months is a long time. You are emotionally and physically a mess. Time to put an end to this for yourself. Start planning for a strict Plan B so he can finally get a taste of where his behavior is leading him........to divorce, if he doesn't stop it.

You need some relief. You are making yourself sick. You can change that. You'll have lots of support here.

Living with someone who is in the midst of an affair is horrible - but there is something worse, and that is having this person become your ex-husband. If he leaves and moves in with the OW, she will be able to get her hooks more deeply into him, and will do everything in her power to a) make sure that you are left destitute and b) make sure he sees as little of his children as possible. My H was not a very good or attentive father while he was home during the affair - but now he is much worse. I can count on the fingers of one hand how often he has called to talk to the children in the over 3 years since he left. He has allowed them to visit about 8 times in the last year, for a maximum of about 24 hours at a time.

Strong men with a healthy degree of self-esteem do not have affairs. Men who have affairs almost invariably depend on someone else to run their lives - and once he leaves the house, that someone will be the OW.

I deeply regret having confronted my H. Living with him during his affair was a miserable experience, but at least the children had stability and food on the table. Now, three years later, it is much, much worse - the children will most likely be entering their third school system in as many years, if I can actually find anywhere at all to live, and we are living barely above the poverty level.

I know many people claim that it gets better, but that has not been my experience at all. It has been my experience that divorce is FAR, FAR, worse than living with someone having an affair.

Your marriage and family can still be saved.. you are lucky he still wants his family and wants his home... do the best plan a in the world! I would... be careful sweetie, this is war. But don't fight.

Have you tried anti depressants? I am so miserable about this whole horrible situation that I am just about to throw up right now... it can and will get better. YOu do not deserve this mess and you did nothing to cause this!? OK?

I hope you will please stick around , make friends and find lots of hope here... we are here for you! I am in the 9th month of seperation and it is a nightmare.. my wspouse is becoming and is someone I did not know....

a stranger?

Hugs to you, please read the books... surviving an affair and love busters... stay here, and post .. and read and pamper you all you can!

Hugs, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Today he went to her house while I was at the store. He said she became a citisen. He said oh, we don't really see each other that much anyway. Just like it is nothing. If he seen her once in our entire life that is too much for me!

He is just getting so nothing is wrong with this. I feel trapped. I don't want to just hand him over to her. Yet I can't stand it any longer!!

I don't know if I should talk to my councelor, or the priest again. I just feel terrible. I can't do anything. I just cry all the time, I feel so hopeless. Yes I tried Zoloft, but it makes me tired. He was even on an anti depressant for awhhile.

Why, I have been faithful for almost 18 years!(our whole time together)Thank you for your responses. Oh yes I read " Love must be tough" and After the affair, and so many others. I have prayed and prayed. I am tired, just plain tired.

Meara,

I know the pain you are feeling. I went thought almost the same thing with my H. After d-day #1 he promised he would never see the ow again but like a lot of other WS he did not keep his promise. He would stay away from her for a few days or weeks and then the calls would start and soon he was seeing her again. This continued for about two months and then I went to her house when he told me he had to work but I knew he was there. I left a note in his car that he could come home to get his things. He called me on his way home and begged for another chance, which I gave him. Things were going well and I really think he was trying to stay away from her until 9/11 happened. He is a NYPD officer and was at the WTC were he was hurt during the attacts. He was one of the lucky ones, he got to come home. While he was home, recovering from a broken knee and hand he received at the WTC he started calling her agian. When he was able to drive he started going to see her when he told me he was going to the gym to work out. We are Catholic also and I spent a lot of time praying for help. I could not understand why God was not answering my prays. The only thing I wanted was my marriage, something that was bless by God in his house. Why was he letting this happpen to us? I finally was at the end, I was tired of not sleeping, not eating, of always feeling sick. I felt like I was letting my children down because I was not there for them like I should be. I told my husband to make up his mind once and for all her or his family. I told him that one way or the other really didn't matter to me anymore. I wasn't even sure if I still loved him at this point. When he told me that he was going to leave I asked him if he wanted help packing. I think this finally woke him up. When he saw I wasn't going to beg him to stay or break down and cry (something that I had done in the past) he realized he was going to loss me. He was the one who broke down, he called a MC the next day and stopped all contact with the ow. It took almost six months from d-day #1 for me to reach the point were I put myself and my feelings first. I made up my mind that I was not going to live my life being his doormat anymore. He was not going to 'have his cake and eat it too'. It takes two to make a marriage work and if he wasn't going to do his share then the h%%l with him. I know you are feeling like this is never going to end. That whatever you do doesn't matter, it is never going to get better. Believe me it will get better. You have to be strong for yourself and your kids. You have been doing everything you can to make your H happy, now you have to think about yourself. I know the pain you are going though. There were times I just wanted to die and I thought about just taking something to make me go to sleep and never wake up. The only reason I didn't was my children. The thing you have to remember is you didn't do anything wrong, he was the one who went outside the marriage, he was the one who broke the vows. I believe now that my H continued contact with the ow because I made it easy for him. Each time I found out about the contact yes I got mad, I cryed and yelled but I always gave him one more chance. I wanted to save our marriage. Every time he said he was going to leave because he didn't want to hurt me anymore I begged him to stay. It was only when he said he was leaving and I didn't ask him to stay that he made up his mind to really work on the marriage. I knew then that he could have chosed to leave and that was ok with me too. I had made up my mind that I wanted someone who loved only me. I was tired of sharing. You said your H will not leave. Thats ok you can still live seperate lives in the same home. Don't make his life easy for him, don't do all the little things that we W do to make our H lives easyer. Start doing things with friends without him, show him that you can live without him. Take your kids out to the movies, invite him but let him know you are going with or without him. Show him you can be stong without him, even if your dying inside don't let him see it. Take control of your life. I hope this helps. I know that you are feeling hopeless right now, and that things will never be right again. Please don't give up on yourself or God. Remember God answers all our prays, sometimes it just takes a while. Be strong and know that I am praying for you and your family. Good luck.
Ellyn

You are right it is so hard. I would have comited suicide if not for the children, and the fear of hell.

I have opened the door for him, and told him to go. I know that he doesn't really want to go. He told me he wants everyone to be happy. I told him that a 24 year old girl will be happy with a young man, and a chance at a family who will accept her, not shun her. Her mother isn't even talking to her now because of this.

He thinks that she really loves him because she is willing to just be the other one. I think this man lost his brain! Why are they so stupid! I asked him if he could ever see me doing this to some woman and her children. He said " of course not. He told me he will give up his happyness for everyone elese(his family and our children, and me)He said he can't be happy anywhere.

She is young, thin,and I guess pretty(very ugly inside because of this) I just feel like I am nothing and nobody. Am I not worthy of love? My heart just aches.

I just don't know who to turn to. I can't trust myself for the solution anymore. It just hurts. I just want to live. I got a job, after being stay at home mom. A job pt, that I love, and I have lost 32 lbs so far(not enough for him) and I am dressing nicer. I am more religous. I am just feeling like I am doing all these things for myself, yet I can't help him. I can't save our marriage! sigh.....

Oh meara your post brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could just hug you and make all of this pain go away.

you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by meara:
<strong>You are right it is so hard. I would have comited suicide if not for the children, and the fear of hell.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not the answer. My wise mother once told me long ago that few men are worth dying for and those who are worth it, don't cause you to want to die, they make you want to live.

Honey gave some good advice about anti-depressants. Have you considered trying them? We all can only endure so much before we break and sometimes asking for help is the choice we need to make. See your docor and ask for that help. Find a new priest and ask for help. See a counselor and ask for help. Keep posting here and you will get help.

Step back for a minute and take a look at the parts of your life that don't include your husband. You have 4 wonderful children who love and need you, right? You have a job that you love, right? You have a supportive extended family, right? This is so much more than some people have. You need to put an emotional distance between you and your H and you need to keep praying for help. I truly believe that all prayers are answered, it's just that some times we are so focused on the answer we want that we can't see the answer we are being sent.

You need to take some time and get away from your H's emotional abuse. Take your kids to the pool or the park or a lake. Enjoy them and have some fun without thinking about him. Take care and don't give up! You're in my prayers

Well we got a hang up call with a woman sighing, and it was unlisted. Hmmm. I have a severe headache today, and a fever, with the chills, and then my hand (with the stitches) is itching.

I just want it all to end. I am going this week to my therapist, and our priest. I just need some help. I just need someone to care what happens to me. I feel so nervous, and sick, and scared all the time.

I am just sick of this all. I know it is mostly his fault.I wish she would however drop off this earth. I know that wouldn't solve the problem in him, so....

Thank you for your responses and prayers, I need them. Sometimes I just feel like I am not human.

How will I ever know if it is over he has lied for 8 months! He sais again it is over. yeh.... He is making plans for next summers vacation with us. He is talking about repairs to the house.

He keeps saying I am staying here. I am not going anywhere. I told him if you are still seeing her you are, because I can no longer take it. (not that I could befor)

I just want some proof that it is over. Would it help to have him write a letter to her, and I mail it. That he loves us, and is staying, and it is over between them, basicly.

I don't know I just keep feeling that she is going to get pregnant out of desperation or something. This is all just so stupid, no one on this earth should have to go threw this!