A question, thought, I am not sure, mind was wandering and it landed on this topic, see if you all can help with it. Please

When you look at some of the sig lines, you see recovery was started after a year or better of seperation, and real close to the divorce being final.

But you aren't seeing recovery after only a few months of seperation.

You are seeing recovery before seperation though.

Why is this? Are we suppose to endure these long seperations? Is it part of the learning process? Does it give us a better chance at recovery? Did we give our WS the time they needed to work through things?

Yes the 1 year mark of sepration is coming near, and yes the divorce being final is also on the horizon, perhaps that is what lead me down this path of thought. Just one of those wondering things!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 05, 2002, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Dawn, I have some thoughts but it will be tomorrow before I can get back to this, at the moment I am too angry at my OS. TEENAGERS!!!!!!!

hi no idea but have been separated for 16 months, no D yet as in UK you the WS has to wait 2 years to file and as BS although I could have filed by now i have no intention of doing so. ( That said it has been suggested that the short sharp shock of my filing may be what it needs to wake him up. Jante

sing,
I wait for your reply!!

jante,
I just don't get it either.

Did get an e mail little bit ago, interesting!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Dawn,
I would guess it has more to do with WS behavior after discovery than separation.

Recovery before/without separation is likely to be the WSs who are immediately remorseful, no more contact with the OP. Recovery can start right after D day.

When the WS has separated, the the A is usually both EA & PA, the BS may or may not know the A is ongoing. The WS may say they need "space" for a decision, but really it's just to make seeing the OP easier. This scenario has a lot of confusion for everybody...and recovery not eminent.

Or the BS has separated, either for the Kick-butt-to curb manuever or Plan B. And the WS will have to show real effort in order to reconcile...again possible recovery will take some time.

And, finally, I believe there really is something to the 6 mos-2 years after discovery timeline. The A loses the fantasy elements and gains reality in the form of the WS seeing actual consequences to their actions, whether it is housing, finances, kids visitation & support, friends & relatives finding out. The may question their actions at that point, and time has passed since D day.

So, once again, it may come down to contact with OP makes the A consequences, like separation and coming to the point of divorce, more severe and lengthy.

Dear Dawn,

I have to agree with Lor....If you are lucky and have a spouse that is remorseful after DD and they stop all contact with OW--recovery seems to be so much easier.

When the affair continues, there is so much more involved and recovery, tho not impossible, is difficult.

In my H's case this time, he wanted out of the relationship and was actively looking for someone to do it with. When he finally found someone with the same type of mentality and morals--he left. When I look back now...he wasn't ever coming back.

Our separation was a means for me to come to that realization...our marriage was broken. At one point, I remember "talking"--pleading with him about the kids, our retirement plans, finances...etc. etc. and his reply was "it is too late...too much has happened". In reality, he had already made the choice to leave--no matter what.

It has taken me a long time to learn how to accept this. I would have worked through anything for my marriage and family--but he wasn't willing to...he didn't want it. It is still sad to me...but I lived with him through 4 of these affairs---I guess it did take a 2 x 4 to hit me on the head, that he didn't have the love for me that is necessary to make our marriage work. I am not sure if he ever did love me that way. Pretty sad to admit.

But, I want a better life. And if that means loving the family I have left, having great friends, a boyfriend whatever....when I die 90 years from now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , I want to look back on a wonderful life full of love. My H is going to miss out--because it is going to be great.

I know what you are going through...I have those bleak moments too. But, I am learning to try to shove those thoughts away as far as possible. I am trying to get back to who I was before I married him. I used to have FUN--a remarkable concept.

What has happened to us is tragic...but it has happened. I hate to see you wallowing as I was doing---darn it Dawn--we deserve better. I hope you have a great weekend--live it to the fullest. Pat

Dawn
You, Pat and I are almost on the same time line. I do not think that my H will ever consider coming home. He still swears to this day that he did not have a PA with this stupid woman until after he left. But the EA was there......BIG TIME. He doesn't get the fact that if she wasn't there.....it wouldn't have happened. I am sure that you think about the year before he left.....I say to myself....he loved me then....and I remember he loved me when I had my surgery. There is a big list in my head. Do you ever do that? My H tries to make it seem like the marriage was all bad. He even said last week that maybe we should have never gotten married at all. Believe me....I know that I have made a ton of mistakes in my marriage......nothing that couldn't have been worked on. On the other hand...he knows how many things that i have given him a second chance on. SOme of these things were really almost unforgiveable. BUt, I loved him and gave him second chances. I don't even know if I had told any of you that this was his second affair. The first was 13 yrs ago. HE was gone for three weeks. I recently found a card that he sent me just after the affair....telling me how he loved me so much more than he ever did. WHat happened???? The OW happened. Something new and exciting for the 42 yr old man.

I am rambling....I hope....if you still want him....that he comes home to you and you can work it out. I know my H will never come home. He can not be the "big" man now and say that he made a mistake. HE is too far gone. SHe works in his office....I am sure he owes her a ton of money. He made such poor choices and he doesn't even know it. People always say that one day he will regret it...or what goes around comes around. I ask you........WHEN???????

I just would like to know where I can meet a nice man....that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MAX

I believe that we all wonder where the nice guys are? (We know about the ones that are on MB with us)!!!

I thank all of you for your thoughts and insight, I will process everything that has been written. Just quickly

I am not wallowing in self pity or anything of the such, so please don't worry about that!!! I am just at the end and have been looking back alot. I don't think that I did as good of a plan A as I thought that I was, I never filled out the EN questionnere. Never did go to plan B, figured why? He doesn't want to come back, wouldn't have mattered how inticing I made home to be. I was very self righteous in how I was being treated in all of this.

I blow off his revisionist tirades, about not loving me and that he has always loved her. I have written proof otherwise, so let him say what he wants I know what the truth was!!

Somewhere in my heart I have known that he wasn't coming back so I just kind of gave up, another part of me, the one that kept hope that my marriage would be recovered was waiting for the Lord to open my WH eyes to the error of his ways.

He e mailed again last night, after 2 weeks of no communication. Says that he is frustrated with the slow progress that this is taking. That I have moved on with my life and that the divorce is holding up him moving on with his!!

On my way out the door to go tubing with the kids. Have a whole day planned, taking a picnic and all!!

Hope all have a good Saturday, I know that I will!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn,

I still want to get back to this but I can't seem to get my thoughts on this in line.

Like you have been thinking a lot about these things. The STBX has been living with OW for over a yr now, they have been involed for over 3 (of course we were out of the country for alomont 1 yr) & our divorce should be final this summer. Untill recently STBX had not pushed it at all, & if I had agreed we would have been divorced at the end of June but I will not sign anything the way it was written.