it has been almost seven months since d-day for us and it has not been easy. i know i am one of the lucky ones in terms of the things we have been through compared to some of you. i never thought i would be where we are, i lost hope so many times. but i think we are truely headed for recovery.

a brief re-cap...
on dec. 9th my world came crashing down, my husband told me he was having an affair. he had taken her to his christmas party the night before and they stayed at the hotel together. that was the last of the physical for them. he had started the affair in sept. of 2001, they worked together, he was her supervisor. when i found out i left the house to go to girlfriends-she had my kids, i was gonna surprise him by showing up at the party the night before-some surprise huh! she ended up not being home and i drove around aimlessly-i eventually came home. we talked all night. the rest is pretty typical. i made him call her the next morning and tell her i knew, he did. he then focused on me-at the time i didnt see it-i was blinded by the pain. he really was wonderfull through the holidays. in jan. i found out that they decided to still be friends. i went crashing down all over again. since then he has done a lot-slowly. everyone told me baby steps-i hated hearing that. i wanted everything to be right now. it would have never worked that way.

our biggest problem is communication-we are both horrible at it. we are getting better. we have discussed this as our biggest problem, we know we need help. that is why i sat him down the other day and told him i cant do this alone, and i know he is doing everything he can, but we need more help. i asked him about contacting the harley's and he brought up our budget again. i asked him if he thought a divorce was gonna be cheaper?? that got his attention-i explained that i need this for me and us. i need to know we are on the right track, and am tired of throwing money away on useless counselors in our area. i said maybe one call a month and i would help pay by picking up more hours at work. he agreed. we then had a long discussion about his guilt. he has shown remorse and empathy to me a few times-i know he feels it, just isnt great at showing it at times. i told him i dont want him to torture himself with the guilt-he felt a little relieved, he thought he was supposed to feel this way to help me heal. i explained i know he feels this way but i think we have to work through it to heal us. he was shocked i didnt want to somehow punish him with his own guilt. it was a great conversation.

now dont get me wrong-we still have our issues-and i have a lot of healing to do, so does he. but i no longer feel as if i am alone. i am beginning to feel i have a partener again.

so for all of you out there that are feeling down, there is hope. just look at the little things that sometimes dont really seem like much-in the long run those are the baby steps.

Nikko
It has been six months since d-day for me. I've been on the roller coaster all this time. Following Plan A as best I could..talking with Steve Harley(husband too). My H has lived in the home all the time involved with OW and I tried to make the changes necessary to meet his EN. A month ago he went to be with her and I decided to move into Plan B when he returned. When he was there the fog lifted big time; he e-mailed and told me he was finally seeing things clearly that he belonged home with me and the children. I was so happy and hopeful we could finally work things out. He returned and said he was home for good, he would do anything to win me back and he told our girls there was a wonderful summer ahead of them and he would make things up to them. After three weeks he's gone again to be with her and spend "our" vacation with her and her children. Needless to say I am devestated beyond belief...after the promises to make it work, to be there for the kids...it's been harder than when he first told me because my hope has been shattered.
I don't know what to do; I'm numb with pain and fear. This betrayal is so hard...how he could walk out the door and leave his children shocked and hurt...for what? The promise of romantic love he says he can never recapture with me. He thinks this younger,"physically perfect" OW will stay this way forever or as he puts it "long enough so it won't be the most important EN." He appreciates that I've made all the changes for him including losing 45 pounds but I'm still not tight and perfect like she is. He such a foolish man..he'll end up alone and isolated from his family and children....he's even said himself "you don't give up everything you have for a little pu***sy" I wonder how she'd feel if she knew he refered to her in those terms.
He's running away from all his responsibilities and left me with everything. He feels if he gives me the money I will handle all the bills and make all the decisions regarding the kids and home. He's planning on changing jobs and moving in with her(out of state). It's the only option he hasn't tried yet..he went back and forth between us, he tried giving her up for three weeks and being with me and now he's going to give up his life here, move and live full time with her.
How do you ever survive these situations? I tried medication and it made me so sick..I'm hoping to find something else or I'll go crazy. I truly understand why people consider suicide during these times...the pain is so great.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'm still talking with Steve H. but I'm not sure if it will help.
Wintergal

dear wintergal-you need to definately keep talking to steve-and start doing for you. plan a should be about changes you make in you for your marriage, but it is also about you. i know it doesnt feel like that but it is. take things one day at a time.

Nikko,
Thanks for your reply. I know I need to be strong for my girls and draw strength from the changes I've made these past few months. It's just so hard after sharing a life with someone for over 30 years. I think I want to save this marriage and then I think about where he is and what he's doing and how he's breaking my heart and the children's. Each day since he's left I've cried and wished with all my heart that things were different. I know the road ahead is long and painful for all involved.
Wintergal

Dear nikko,
I read your post and it made me feel better - you have been through more than I have in a lot of ways - my H, as far as I know, did not go into a PA with either OW. My H's issues have to do with him being locked up inside of himself and guarding his "privacy" - he's like a man locking himself into Fort Knox - at the same time, he tells our friends he wants our marriage to work - he wants our marriage to work without ever having to talk to me - so really his problem is with intimacy - that's a skill he doesn't have -

I am so glad you are doing better - the good signs are that your H is remorseful and has shown you this - to me, it sounds like he really wants you and his marriage. We also have communication problems. The good thing for you is that he is willing to try to work on these. And I am impressed with you that you had the strength to tell him that you thought you both needed MORE help than what you were getting - you are pressing to get the right kind of help that will really make a difference. Since he is in a place where he seems to truly want to heal, and since you have helped him see that you can forgive him, and don't want him to feel guilty forever, I think you have a good chance of actually healing and coming out with a stronger marriage.

Thanks for posting this - it has given me hope - what I most want from my H right now is for him to acknowledge that he has hurt me and say that he wants to do what it will take to heal.

Take care,
Odile

dear odile-you are in my thoughts and prayers often. i wish i could give you some words of wisdom-but alas, im lucky im figuring my own stuff out.my husband is also emotionally closed off, not a good thing. he does open up now if i go after his emotions. i have to dig and search with the conversation to get at what he is feeling. in our last conversation, i asked him about sharing what he was feeling and going through. he said he never really had withdrawal-i do believe this because unfortunately i dont believe he cared for her really. he used her to an extent. he said the only thing he feels is guilt when i have an episode-(i sometimes have really bad down periods for a few days.) he says during that time he feels real bad. so i said if this was true, and he really felt nothing other than that, nor had any questions about what i am going through, we are in serious trouble!! i then went on to explain-dont protect me, help me! go through this with me, so we can become partners again. i need to trust him again with me feelings, and i think i have more than proven i can be trusted with his. he started to understand this. i have to find help with conversation, how to better converse with each other.

in any event- i know how you feel, at least my husband is willing, slowly to make changes.

good luck odile.