My wife has recently said she would like to have an affair or open marriage. She believes it will make our love stronger. I have my fears. We have two kids, money problems, both survivors of sexual abuse, and much more . Any advice, info, experience (Pro & Con) would be of great help. We are in therapy and have agreed to "no action" for thirty days to make this decision. She will also visit this site, as mutually agreed.

Bad news. Don't even go there. If you are having trouble communicating now, why bring something that anyone in that lifestyle will tell you needs complete and open communication to work into your marriage. If you guys get all your problems worked out and then decide that you want to try a swingers club or something like that it is a different story.

Could it be that one of you is already seeing someone and just wants to make themselves feel less guilty by introducing this "new rule" into the marriage?

Maybe your wife has her eye on the person she would like to open your marriage bed up to already and is just waiting for the green light from you.

Who knows?

What you are asking here is kind of like going to an AA meeting and saying I have a problem with drinking too much beer. It makes me vomit and I have lost my job. Let's vote on it and see if you think that vodka might be a better thing for my tummy and my vocation.

I'm really not trying to be harsh on you bud, but this comes up every so often with a new person, and since I have been here almost 2 years I have seen it more than a few times.

It's always the same answer. If you want to work on your marriage, work on your marriage not the hot waitress.

E

First of all, tell her you are totally against it. This is very bad for the marriage. Communication is poor, there are financial issues-and anyone who tells you that finances don't play a role...it does-and you have kids. This will put a bigger gap between you two...resulting in secret affairs other than what you allow, your children seeing you drifting apart, more money problems--because now you will only think of yourself, and more betrayal than you could ever ask for. Your wife needs to respect your wishes as well. Although if she has pushed this issue with you, then she has been considering or having an affair for some time now. I'm sure you made vows to one another about your fidelity to one another. Besides you don't want to picture someone else banging her up, do you? You know all the questions that run through your mind when you realize what your wife is doing with someone else that she does with you, and maybe more. Think of the consequences. It has been proved that women can forgive and move on with their spouse, but men normally leave the marriage when they can't take it anymore. They can't seem to get past the thoughts running in their head. Marriage wasn't made for sleeping with any other person than yourselves. Just my two cents. God Bless!

You've heard the expression...
...hell no!

The reason that hell is used....
...is to remind you where the idea of open marriages comes from!

You can't Plan A... in an open marriage!
You can't POJA... in an open marriage!
You can't have honesty... in an open marriage!
You can't dedicate time to a marriage... in an open marriage!

You can't make your marriage work... in an open marriage.

Our society confuses us with words...
..."open" sounds so 'nice'!
But is it?
"open" to infidelity?
"open" to adultery?
"open" to confusing/scandalizing the children?
"open" to stress... strain... and unfaithfulness?

Is it that hard to know what is right and what is wrong?

Have we strayed that far from the common sense of Natural Law?

God help us if we accept the idea of "open marriage"!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Whatever she thinks she can get from someone else she can get from you. Bringing other people into it will only destroy your marriage and your children's lives.

Have you looked at the concepts on this site?

Have you tried implementing them?

Look as this as a great opportunity to fix your marriage and make your relationship better than it ever was.

You're kidding, right?

NO. DON'T DO IT!!

This was the proposal my W gave to me before she started her A with a mutual friend. She was like, "Hey, would you consider a threesome with ******? I think it would be great. It's always been a fantasy of mine and I think he would have a similar touch and sensitivity as you." I flat out said no way. She told me after D-Day that her PA started with the OM about 2 weeks after I said no. She was already on the fast track and was trying to get me involved to help her along and not feel guilty about it. Apparantly she didn't want to take no for an answer. I would say do not open that door. It always leads to no good. Hell, my step-daughter (24) just had a 3-some between her own fiance and her girlfriend and they ended up in a huge freaking fight the next day over it. It leads to no good. It will not enhance your love or your sexual life. Keep out of it. Now that you know your partner's interest in this, be ever vigilant in monitoring their behavior and actions. They are wide-open to experience this with or without you! Good Luck!

If she is proposing an open marriage it's probably because she is already having an A and wants your blessings in legitimizing it.

How would she have reacted if you had told her 'gee honey that's a great idea because I've been dying to get inside the panties of this cute little hottie that I've had my eye on for quite some time now'. 9 times out of 10 she would be react with surprise and hurt because she thought that you would be the faithful fool that would never have an affair and would be there for her after she had her fling.

I've seen two couples where the husband and wife who proposed the idea of an open marriage, later on regretted their proposition because their spouses got the better of them.

Open marriage is nothing more than an oxymorom which appropriately rhymes with the word moron.

If you are an adrenaline junky or a masochist, then I say go for it.

<small>[ July 06, 2002, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>

Open marriage is nothing more than an oxymorom which appropriately rhymes with the word moron.
.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lol, I love this guy! He always has a way with words.

bourbons

This is a ploy often used by spouses who are either in an affair or wanting to start one. If they can get the other spouse to agree to an open marriage and actually have an affair themselves then the guilt and culpability are gone. Take a look at the chapters on affairs in the book "I Love You, Let's Work It Out" by David Viscott. He discusses these types of ploys.

Your wife has given you a huge heads up that she has 1.5 feet out side the door of your marriage. I would suggest that you start by reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and all the material on this web site.

Hey, it is great to see concern and real life stories on this. Taking it all in, lots of "triggers" (and more) being tripped. I am in love...but not blind and have felt, recognized, and stood against. Question though...is there anyone out there that opened their marriage & lived to tell about it, as a couple?

My wife actually had the idea that we should try a threesome with who I later learned was the significant other man.

I have a very clear outlook now on affairs and even open marraiges - if the relationship isn't satisfying you have two choices fix it or end it. I will not live through her having a 7th affair.

Wish I would have learned that 5 affairs ago.

Been there done that, have the t-shirt to prove it, and also the divorce papers.

Feel free to email if you'd like all the gory details.

E

Ok...one week from only meeting one of her ex for late night coffee, her asking about open marriage, some couseling, and at any moment I lose it over little stuff. Can I believe her, trust her, or work on us. I HATE THIS!!!!!

Of all the couples that I know personally who have tried this, 100% are divorced.

I'm sorry, but the word OPEN does not belong next to the word marriage. That makes it NOT a marriage at all.

I voted anyway, but I was VERY disappointed that one of the choices wasn't:

"F*** NO! So-Called "open marriages" are disgusting and make me puke. They're destructive to marriages, families, and individuals!"

Asking you for an open M is her way of getting permission to continue a very-likely ongoing A. GET COUNSELING NOW! None of this "30-day moratorium" crap. You will need a lot longer than this to identify and repair the damage that's already been caused. Don't complicate your life at this point with an aggreement to have As.

Sorry, ol' 2long is going to have to go and hurl his breakfast now.