Last night was the first time me and FWH have had the chance to go out together in almost a month. He was taking me to supper and then to do some shopping that we have been needing to do for a while.

So I fixed myself up - even put on a short cute dress, bare legs, sandals, let my hair down, full makeup, lots of his favorite perfume. The whole works.

On the way to town I flirted, played coy, showed him lots of leg, the whole nine yards. He acknowledged it but wasn't really into it. I alluded to finishing the evening off with SF, really tried to make him feel wanted.

We got to the restaurant - more cold shoulder from him. I rubbed his back ache, devoted my entire attention to him, - he was more interested in eating.

We went shopping, and by then I was starting to get the message. He would walk with his arm around me, but he was constantly looking over the crowd (at the pretty women no doubt). We went to books-a-million, I had my hands all over him (discreetly of course). Believe me, by now I should have had his full attention, instead, he's still looking at other women.

Am I wrong to feel like I'm being used? I feel like he's keeping me because I take good care of him, but he knows there is something "better" out there. At least better looking. For the record, I am not ugly, I have had to many men come on to me, even recently, to be dog ugly. After we got home and he realized how bad he hurt my feelings he was SSOOO apologetic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Too little too late as far as I'm concerned.

Why is it that he doesn't care to try to keep me until he's afraid I'm through with him? Why is he only interested in doing as little as possible in order to keep me content with our marriage?

And you men can say all you want about it being "natural" to look at women - and I have this to say to you - When you have an attractive lady and I emphasize LADY, hanging all over you, taking good care of you, etc. Why on earth would any man in his right mind ignore her to enjoy feasting his eyes on stuff walking by that is no better - just different. I'm a sexual being to. I like sex as much as my H and I DO NOT check out other men.

Pardon me for feeling very very very UNWANTED today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jamup;
I'm sorry he's treating you this way. I cannot imagine doing that to anyone, much less my W.
I can only surmise that he feels he's got you, and only the loss of you will make him react. Perhaps you should consider letting him have a taste of that?

But I'll tell you what; I feel treated much the same by my WW, so I don't think this is a gender thing necessarily.

{{{{{jamup}}}}}
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this...for our anniv. (before D-Day) my parents gave us a gift certificate to a restaurant and babysitting so we could go, which we *never* do...it's been years...so I was all excited thinking oh boy finally we can talk without the kids interrupting or him finding something else to do! Instead, he would not talk to me at all. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Stone cold shoulder. I didn't know at the time but now I know why, he was in the middle of the fog of the A...but I think that night hurt me more than finding out about the A.
So don't take it personally, if that is possible, it is just the fog/aliens in his brain that will not let him see what a great wife/life he really has...And I, too, feel used, unwanted, and resentful, so those are perfectly natural responses. Don't blame/question yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Chin up and good luck!

It's really strange how a few days ago he was saying that the past 6 months have been the best of your marriage, and then yesterday, he acted like he didn't even care. Are you sure he was "checking out other women" or was his mind just somewhere else? Sometimes I think men have other things on their minds that are bothering them and therefore can't accept the affection and love you have to offer.

I do agree with you, and I don't think I could take many dates like that...especially after his A.

Love you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you sure he was "checking out other women" or was his mind just somewhere else? Sometimes I think men have other things on their minds that are bothering them and therefore can't accept the affection and love you have to offer. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As we were discussing the events of the afternoon, I asked him where his attention was, since it obviously wasn't on me. He said he guessed he was just people watching. Believe me, that means women watching. He doesn't give men a second glance. At books-a-million he even started telling me what a group of young women standing behind us were talking about. That's how "in tune" he was with other women that were around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

For the record he's been trying to make nice today. He's swept, mopped, cleaned the air vent, made me breakfast, vacuumed, tilled the garden, worked on my car, mowed him mother's yard and helped with the clothes washing. He's out picking vegetables now.

I made some pretty good points to him in our discussion. Problem is he probably won't even remember them!!

What a dummy... sorry he did that..you deserve to be his princess. Hugs, HONEY

Well, that ticks me off...."people watching", huh? Who does he think he is? Doesn't he know what he has right by his side? I can't imagine my H telling me he was "people watching". I would go AWOL.

Sometimes I wonder...does he think he can be ugly any time he wants...just as long as he kisses up afterwards??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I wonder...does he think he can be ugly any time he wants...just as long as he kisses up afterwards???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me I've wondered the same thing. He's an excellent "kisser upper" after the fact. No doubt my patience is wearing thin with this as I'm finally beginning to recognize it. But who can blame him, it's worked so far in our 10 years together. He's never had to handle things any differently. He's getting his chance now, and I'll probably tolerate it until (if and until) he has another A. Hopefully he'll grow up and not do that again, but his track record isn't to good. It's like once he gets me "over" something he's done, then he's free to do it again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Like he doesn't remember from one week to the next the things that hurt my feelings.

Just in case any of you are in need of some good points to make to your spouse about any of the things I've discussed, here's a few of mine:

1) If you have a good car that you love and has never broken down on you, does everything you need it to do, good gas mileage the whole nine yards, do you go car shopping?

2) I told him that all of those "people" he was watching have NEVER done anything for him, don't love him, don't even care if he notices them, don't even WANT to do anything for him (take care of him), have never cooked him a meal, have never taken care of his children, and have never done anything to DESERVE his attention. I have.

The next time he asks me to go out with him, I'll probably tell him I'm not interested in being hurt anymore.

More later, I have to go to work.

I've posted a thread on the In Recovery Boards about giving my H a list of things to do in order for us to have a chance at a lasting marriage. Any thoughts on this? If I should, how detailed should my demands be?