Have been married for over 10 years, a few weeks ago my wife told me that a man she was engaged to before I meet her had moved into town. Turns out he has been in town several years but she did not see a need to inform me of this fact. He has actually gone out with a friend of hers.
I don't want to believe my wife is unfaithful but she tried to be so secretive and I do not know where to turn...just insure of whats going on.

This information opened up some old wounds that I had buried years ago. Am I being stupid in worrying about a spouse's past sexual experience and there were more than one. After all these years it seems as if this would no longer be an issue. I find it hard to believe that this still bothers me after all these years, yet it's eating me away inside like a cancer.
I believe my wife when she says she has been faithful...but then she has been a chronic liar about certain aspects of our relationship.
Is there any hope for a heart that is being torn apart and is this all for nothing.

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: tornheart ]</small>

It certainly sounds odd that she finally tells you about the guy she was engaged to is living in your town when she knows he has been living here for several years. You state that your wife has been a chronic liar about your relationship.
Either you are a truthful person or not. I would not believe anything a chronic liar would tell me. The fact that this guy has been out with her friend ( which would mean that she has known he has been in town for a long time) and has been secretive about this situation would make me worry very much. Again I do not know how you could ever feel good if your wife is a chronic liar and being secretive. I would think about putting a phone tap and a key logger on the computer if you really think she may be seeing this guy. Remember she may be putting your health at risk. I would suggest immediate counseling to understand why she is a chronic liar. I wish you luck.

torn heart,
Why don't you just honestly ask her about him?
Get things out in the open and save your peace of mind. Do you have a way of telling when she tells you a lie or is it that she just leaves important details out? Either way, worrying and speculating about what could be won't get you anywhere. Maybe you should just take the direct route and talk to her.
dlm

I did ask her about him and she says that she has never seen or heard from him since they the summer she broke off the relationship.
I have never been able to tell when she is lying to me, it has always been so easy for her and suppose that is what troubles me.
Just found it odd that if he has been in town all these years why now to tell me... this has certainly opened up some past feelings that I had not felt in years.
The other point that came up the same week was notification of her 15th high school reunion. Not sure if I want to go but yet I know she will go whether I do or not and this is almost a 1000 miles away. SO I really don't feel comfortable with this. Not only did she tell me about the past fiance but she also decided to tell me that a guy she dated for 2 years in college was back in town.
I wonder why she felt the need to tell me know after all this time?

Did you tell her how all this makes you feel? How does it make you feel? ARe you worried she is having an A? or that she would if given the opportunity with these men?
As for the class reunion, if you know that she is going to go, then just plan a vacation around it and go with her. make some fun plans for along the way or while you are there. try to have a positive outlook. It just seems to me that you have some issues that you need to work out with her to feel comfortable and confident with your marriage.
dlm

I told her how it has effected me and made me feel. She has said she has no interest in the past and that an A never happened. She is like that is the past and not to worry about it that she is more concerned with the future. Although when she says comments like well you don't have to worry about my class but rather another because so and so was in a different year. THis was not what I wanted to hear.
Just suppose I'm worried about this because of her past also. She was active before we meet.

Intend on attending the reunion but will be with dread...while this may be infounded the dread is there. I have this fear although it is probably needless than someone will make a comment about my wife and her past. I don't believe that any man would want to think that his spouse was considered easy.

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: tornheart ]</small>

Hey tornheart! Cinderella is going to the ball so PRINCE CHARMING must go too (meaning you!) WHY? well I just had a counselling session with Steve Harley & one of the things he mentioned was that High school reunions should ALWAYS! be attended by a married couple together because if the spouse is not there old feelings can certainly raise their ugle heads & wammo! there is trouble in the camp. So get yaself organised to go to this thing, wear ya best gear & put on a smile after all it was you that your wife chose but you do need to add insurance by attending & also if you do you won't be at home tewing over whats going on at the reunion & be tempted to love bust when she gets back. Ask yaself this question??? WHICH IS THE LESSER OF THE 2 EVILS??? Good luck remember to enjoy yourself, leave all your worries at the door & dance with your wife till you drop!! Could be the start of something big between you both. But remember if your wife asks why you are going your reply should be älong the lines of "because i enjoy being with you & want to show your friends how proud I am to be your husband"

wrungout thanks for the advice about the reunion. I do plan on attending and do not worry about the other people. I come from a very old family that has a prominate social standing in the community. While I went to private schools my wife was in public. So not worried about the past HS being a threat...now do worry about the past college friends that have moved to town. Have found out that there are 3 of them now...but supposed I sound paranoid. Just wife has been acting unusal and she told me of the Ex's being in Town after we are getting things back on track.

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: tornheart ]</small>

Hi,
Here is my .02 worth.

I was easy, (not in high school, too afraid of PG and dissappointing my parents). Once I turned 18, katie barr the door. I was curious, and wanted to know.

My impression of my classmates is that alot of them were easy.

My H knows about my past. I was upfront with him about it. That was the past. It is not the future. In HS, alot of girls get the rep of being easy if they slept with one guy. Some get the rep because they said "no". My advise it to ignore it. If they (her former classmates) cannot move past that time in life, then I feel very sorry for them, because they are stuck in a life that no longer exists. They are not 18 anymore. They are mature adults. If they choose to stay shallow, that is their problem.

Hi there! Well if it really bothers you about your w being easy b4 she met you there is a way you can hopefully find this out without LB by both filling out the personal history questionare but remember that if you do this you also have 2 be honest about your personal history as well... Hope this helps you some...

wrungout, again thank you.
I had already looked over the form and said something to wife about it. She was of the opinion that it would not be useful since we had already discussed everything and that this was stuff she had not thought about in years. Then she she told me she had not even though about these guys for ages but know I put them back into her mind with my questions. She says she does not think about the past but just about out future.

Yet I still wonder why after all this time did she feel the need to tell me and Ex Fin. was in town and then about another Ex that was in town. Just seemed odd to me to bring it up. The last year I had not meet her EN but we had been doing well and had really seen a renewal of our relationship. Then the day she was going out of town (we have a place at the coast) she tells me about this Ex right before she leaves. I still can't understand her need for that.
When I asked her if she had been faithful she says yes and even offered to do all the exteme things such as lie detector and to go through her personal stuff and her laptop. So would think she is honest about the lack of an A but still why bring up someone from the past.

Also how do you learn to trust someone after they have lied so much in the past?

Hi there sorry I can't help you with the trust issue. I guess they have to earn your trust but I guess that there will always be a little doubt there which has to be worked on. But I was at work today & suddenly thought could there be any chance that ya W told you about these people because she was worried that someone else might spill the beans to her??? Just a thought but it could be that she is trying to rebuild your trust by telling you this news... just my 2 pence worth.. catchya

That could be the case...maybe she was worried about it. I just have no idea...almost wish she had never said anything.

Hey Tornout!! Chin up have you thought of asking your W in a non Lb way why she told you this news...
Maybe you could say something along the lines of this.
" I just wanted to let you know i have been thinking how thoughtful it was of you to let me know your old friends have moved into town. It makes me feel much better knowing & I wont feel uncomfortable if we bump into them in the street at some stage" JUST MY THOUGHTS ONCE AGAIN!!

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: tornheart ]</small>