I am a mum of two beautiful children (3 & 7) my H and I both adore them. We have been together for 19 yrs married for 15. Three weeks ago my H told me that he wanted the relationship to end. Says he doesn't want to feel owned. He wants us to sell our home, and to move onto separate accomodation. He feels that as a result of this he will become a better father for our kids. He wants to remian friends and to support us. He is adamant that this has to be done and will not consider councelling of any description. I have read and understood Dr Harleys basic concepts they seem to make a lot of senseand I wish I could get my H to read them and to feel the same way but anything I suggest to try and resolve the situation results in him feeling trapped. He will only go out socially with me as "a friend".
I need to know if it is possible for me to change the way he feels about me, he still cares deeply for me but is not In Love and i know this bothers him. Can I make the love bank deposit thing work when he is so set against trying anything, he is making deposits in mine without trying through being nicer to me than he has been for years. Our sex life has been better these past three weeks than since before the children were born. He says he has enjoyed being with me since he announced that it was over but is convinced that it is because he now thinks that he is free.
I really need some support and advice.

I JUST WROTE A LONG POST BUT IT GOT LOST. IN A NUT SHELL, DO YOU THINK THIS IS A MIDLIFE CRISIS, OR THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WOMAN?

I would not leave the house. Do not do anything you do not want to. Do a good Plan A, find out his EN. Protect yourself and kids, and read, read, read here. If you can get counseling that would be great. The Harleys even do it by phone.

My H had an EMA with a younger woman. Someone told me about it and he admitted the whole affair. Antidepressants and sleeping pills perscribed by my doc helped the first 2 weeks. I focused on my children and on how to protect our assets. I saw an attorney within two weeks (first apt. available) and told my husband that I was seeking legal advice, although I did not want to leave him.

He never left the house, but slept in another room for a few days. Then I found MB and followed the program as best as I could. Within 3 days he told the OW it was over. I suspect the A actually died a slower death and that she is still lurking around. Again we would have benifited greatly from counseling, but are unable to at this time, but will likely do so in the future. For now all I can do is read and follow the Harley's plan. Others have had worse situations than this and survived. Read as many posts as you can. This site is very supportive.

Thanks New Jersey,

As far as I am aware there is no OW. I do know that he has been unfaithful on two occasions both one night stands. The first when I was suffering from Post Natal Deppression with our first child the second sometime before our next child at a works Christmas do - his words "because he could".

He has recently started a new job which is stressful for him and involves being away from home most of the time travelling around the country. He comes home most weekends and then dissappears on his motorbike to get blathered at a bike rally or goes and stays at his best mates so that he can have a drink without having to drive. I am left at home to mind the kids, he never asks if it is OK anymore he just goes without checking to see if I have any other plans.

He does find the house a great financial burden and feels it is a millstone around his neck. We both had a dream to own a beautiful old house in the country 13 years ago. We bought that house but it has cost our relationship dearly and empitied most of our pockets. Major work is still required and it has now become a prison for me when he is away and the kids are in bed.
We have a supportive family but always seem to have to beg for sitters if we wanted to go anywhere without the kids. The oldest child can be very difficult and they we having problems with him at school, I know my H finds the children difficult to manage sometimes but so do I!
Perhaps it is the mid life crisis that he is going through, if so I hope it does not last long as he is causing me unecessary pain. His Mother and Father spilt when he was in his teens and I know that he found this very distressing witnessing the arguments they had. He has said he does not want our children to grow up in that sort of atmosphere and that he wants to get out before that happens - not that we argue. He is convinced that leaving us to live elsewhere will magically make him a better father and swears that he has the best interests of myself and the children at heart.
He wanted me to move out with the Kids and the furniture whilst we finished the house to sell it. I have refused to do this suggesting that the money we would need to spend on a second mortgage would be better put towards getting the house saleable. He has agreed to this I just hope I can make enough LDs before we sell and live in seperate houses.
Perhaps he is just stressed out and has lost his way for a while. I hope so as I don't want to lose him.