My sister is dealing with a husband who had an A...not sex, though. It's been 6 months, but she still hurts terribly. To me, she has done everything she can possibly do to right anything that was wrong in their marriage (on her part). He, on the other hand, has bought her many nice things, begged and pleaded, apologized, and told her he loves her, BUT he goes through times when he treats her so badly that I want to just tell her to drop him...I mean like obviously checking out other women while she is around. He doesn't do this often, but if my H did this, I would be extremely upset, and I don't have any reason not to trust him.

I'm really stuck...don't know what to do...on one hand, I know they really love each other, and I'd hate to seem them split up. However, I can't stand to see him treat her the way he does sometimes...I think he should be "kissing up" all the time...being on his absolute best behavior...since he is the one who screwed up 6 months ago.

Any advice?

Noone's helped yet. Any suggestions? They are coming to visit me this weekend...I'd like help soon.

I happen to be a WS myself. However, I felt that no one has the right to mis-treat one's spouse. Specially, you have already admitted about your A and trying to rebuild your M.

I personally feel your sister must put her foot down and let your BIL know, how far will she accept. At times drawing line helps.

Hope this small input helps. Wishing your sister all the best.

ASH
M-26y.
BS-52, WS-53.
D-25 and S-22.
Trying path of recovery. But BS still in fog and in unforgiving mood.

Ash,

My sis didn't commit the A...her H did. I don't know whether to encourage continuing to work it out or not...it seems like she's sad all the time....anyone else have help??

I'm on my way home... but I'll try and help you tomorrow. Sorry I didn't see this until now.

H2Y,

Thanks for answering, and I am anxiously waiting on your advice.

Hey...still waiting...are you still traveling home, H2Y?

Maybe I can help, HS;

I don't know if your S and/or BIL have been here or read any of the infromation about infidelity and what the right way of recovering from it is, so I would suggest this as a good place to start.

I'll post some links at the end of this so you can find thigs more easily.

But, as far as immediate help, the basic premise is that relationships should be based on:
[list]</font></li>[*]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Protection - avoiding being the cause of each other’s unhappiness </font></li>[*]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Care - meeting each other’s emotional needs </font></li>[*]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time - giving each other our undivided attention and </font></li>[*]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honesty - being totally open and honest with each other.

Now your S and BIL have several great advantages already; first, the A has ended. Second, he's admitted it, and had said he's sorry, and third, he's trying to recover his marriage. Believe me, they are more than half-way home!

Sounds to me like perhaps he does not realize what he should do in order to treat your S better, how to recover trust, how to improve the M; and if he's willing to learn, this is a good place to start.

How To Survive Infidelity

We're very sorry to hear about your situation, but have faith; you've come to a good place.

MarriageBuilders has numerous resources and information which will help you. Start by reading Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts here:

DR Harley's Basic Concepts

Another good resource to get you started is the Q&A section of the web site, where you'll find articles and guidance on many different topics:

MB Q & A Columns

as well as the articles section:

MB Articles

In these forums, you will find many people who are or have been in your sister's situation, and will help her through this, give you ideas and encoragement.

There are also Notable Posts, which will guide you in many areas:

Notable Posts

and the Reading List, in addition to Dr. Harley's Books:

MB Book List w/Links

Dr. Harley's Books

Welcome; we're sorry you had to come here, but we're glad you did!

Thanks a lot. My sister posts on this site, too, and I know she has read all the things you suggested. I will do the same. Thanks again.