I'm just wondering if it is possible for one person to fulfill every EN for his/her partner? I don't mean this in a sarcastic or negative way -what I'm getting at is this: If a WS's (me) reason for having an A is because one (or more) of her ENs are not being met, what if her(my) H CAN'T meet it/them? More specifically, in the area of conversation - that has never been one of my H's strongpoints. I knew it when we married, but never thought it could be the root of my A. Now I'm wondering if that is the case. This whole idea of ENs is new to me, so any light you can shed on my ponderings would be appreciated.

More more thing...in a fictional novel I just finished, a woman who has an A asks herself whether her reason for having the A is for the "opportunity to rebuild herself from scratch." I thought that was a pretty good assessment of why I think I began my A. Maybe it doesn't have to do with ENs, but just with the fact that WSs want a chance to be someone else...not just the wife and mother they've seen themselves as for so many years?

I can't even decide where to begin, but I don't think there is any excuse that is acceptable for committing an A....even if EN are not being met. Work on helping your S meet those needs...S has to know what is wrong before it can be fixed.

Neverthought,

This is a complex issue. Some place Dr. Harley states that Affairs don't happen because needs are not being met. They occur because someone chooses to violate their marital vows. The lack of needs being met can put the marriage in a position where someone is vulnerable to an affair, but they still must chose to have the A.

As for meeting needs there is something else that is discussed here often. Most Betrayed Spouses are not have their needs met when an A occurs, but they don't have an A. Why? Well there are many theories. Mine is that some needs being met or not being met tell the other spouse that they are NOT LOVED. Now a person that is fairly secure in themselves don't require the validation that others do. So, is about needs and meeting them is a good way to rebuild the marriage, but it really is about the person having the A. They had choices and they made them.

You asked if the A was about you wanting to be someone else. Well, as I have dicussed here before and others have mentioned. Women often marry and think they have two roles: mother and W. But really there is a third one: lover. But most seem to forget that role when children come. Men do the same thing. Father, and H, rather than father, H, and lover.

You could and can rebuild your image within a marriage if you open up honest communications with your spouse. If you need a lover, he should be the one you are asking. As for his communications skills, well they can be improved and they probably will once he knows about the affair.

This is a complex subject and I don't have a lot of time tonight. I hope that others give you their views as well.

God Bless,

JL

Another suggestion would be to read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Sometimes we do not speak the same love language as our spouse, meaning that sometimes what makes us feel loved does not apply to our spouse and vice versa.

I hope you choose to read alot up on Marriage Communications and the Harley Books. If only I knew then what I know now, I am just hoping it's not too late.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>Another suggestion would be to read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Sometimes we do not speak the same love language as our spouse, meaning that sometimes what makes us feel loved does not apply to our spouse and vice versa.

I hope you choose to read alot up on Marriage Communications and the Harley Books. If only I knew then what I know now, I am just hoping it's not too late.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

only new to this site, but I am just 3 months on
from being told my husband was having an affair and I must say I never thought it possible but we are currently experiencing the most amazing rebuilding of our marriage. It is possible! I'd need too many pages to describe our situation but
my response for you in look at what you already have you - you married for good reasons look at what they were - sometimes you don't know how good something is until it is gone don't let it be too late.