3 months ago I was told by a friend that my husband was having an affair. Since then my husband has expressed his deepest regrets and says he really wants to work on our marriage. (Long story)We are doing good now appart from one aspect I have difficulty in. The person he had the affair with works with him. Now not in the sam building but same department still. An immediate transfer out from his department is not possible - what do you suggest is suitable contact in this situation. He says he only sees her if they have to come into a working enviroment. Should I be okay with this? What suggestions could you share with me?

cherie - I am in the same situation only I'm 6 months down the road. And my H does not have departments at his work, each morning the working partners change, so you never know who you are going to be with. We have some ground rules:

1) We pray together every morning, whatever the Lord lays on our hearts. This has been my one request/demand that I made from the start and have asked him to stick to. He has done so willingly. The other "rules" we have developed jointly or he has come up with.

2) He has NO casual conversations with her. She still tries and he answers her questions as simply as possible, does not look her in the eye, and walks off ASAP. He also stays on the lookout and attempts to avoid getting cornered by her. Unfortunately he only has about a 95% success rate at this. When someone is trying to corner you, they don't let an opportunity slip by.

3) He tells me every word they say to each other (which isn't many since she has backed off due to his cold shoulder treatment of her). When the conversation exchange is of a work nature, he doesn't repeat every word, but he lets me know the context and if she used the opportunity to try to flirt. Still NO EYE CONTACT.

4) He avoids the "group" she's talking with if at all possible. She wants to be the center of attention and she's going to control the topics of conversation. She's very flirty with all of the men he works with, so when she's around there's lots of picking and playing going on. (horseplay). He tries not to let her see his flirtatious side as his personality IS very attractive and might re-spark her interest. (even if he's just picking around with the other guys).

5) He changed his facial hair as the way he was wearing it was to her liking.

6) He does his best to not let her see him smile or see a twinkle in his eye as those are very attractive qualities about him.

7) I am now welcome at his workplace and have eaten lunch with him several times in her presence since D-day. We let her see how committed he is to me and how much he loves me during these lunches. He also compliments me in front of he co-workers even if I'm not around. And he points out my good qualities to them - like having his supper on the table every day when he gets home etc.

There may be more, but let me summarize these in Marriage Builders terms -
1. Avoid her, 2. Do not allow her to make love deposits in his love bank, 3. Do not make love deposits into her bank, 4. Deplete the love bank account by making withdrawals, 5. Inform the spouse (that's you) of your EN's and allow them to begin filling them instead of the OW filling them and 6. Inform your wife of ALL contact whether incidental or otherwise.

Many here will tell you it can't be done successfully. I believe it can be done, but it is not ideal. It makes trust much harder, it makes recovery much harder. In many cases here, the As have continued when the WS and OP still worked together. You'll have to ever be on your guard. What I have to say to that is if my H were to transfer and there were a woman at his new job, I'd be just as worried if not more so that he would let his guard down and end up right back where he started. Sometimes I actually feel safer knowing he's in the presence of the OW and not some new young thing. At least with the OW it is quite obvious where the "friendship" could lead. Her mystique has worn off. With someone new, he might be intrigued into going down the same path as he did with the OW, the whole time thinking that SHE will draw the line when things get to personal. He's not real good at recognizing and drawing lines when it comes to male/female work relationships.

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

Cherie and jamup,

Congratulations to both of you, for being in Recovery! YEA!!!

Have either/both of you written -with FWH- NC letters to OW? I believe NC letters will go far to cement your resolve to have ow out of their/your lives forever.

Can't make it any plainer to them (OW) than that!

An immediate transfer out from his department is not possible

Unless he is under some sort of contract (like in the military), it is posslbe to "transfer" out of the job. He can simply quit and find a new job. I personally would not be OK with my spouse working indefinately in the same environment as the OP.

In my case, my FWW continued to work with the OM for five months. This was only because she was a teacher and had no means of finding another teaching job. Now that it is summertime, she has been looking for a new job. I can promise you that if the OM had not obtained a new job someplace else, my wife would have quit her teaching job - even if it meant she had to take a job outside of her profession.

Your H working with the OW should only be a temporary situation until he or she finds a new job. Frankly, I don't know you can rebuild trust consistantly knowing that he has to enter a dangerous environment like that daily - despite any of his best intentions.

I may sound rigid, but NO CONTACT means just that. It's almost impossible to recover from an affair if those involved still have regular contact. My H didn't believe this at the time, but when he got out of the 'fog,' he actually found his OW another job. She was his employee, married to his best friend/partner. He realized that he would never have his marriage 100% with her still in the picture. Way too tempting. It was one of the best things he ever did.

I wish you luck. I hope you are in counseling. I suggest reading Torn Asunder and the article "Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com

Best of luck to you!

Also, it is discouraging that your friend told you the truth, not your husband. My H also lied, and it did more damage than the affair did. If he's really serious about resolving this, ask him to do the EN questionaire and determine what needs of his she was meeting.