I took the advice of the people on here and I have not had any contact with my female friend for five days. I have to tell you that it is painful and I wonder why I am doing this to myself.
She has not contacted me, so maybe it was all in my head anyway. But I know that I feel low and yet I have to go to work and live my life. But all I think about it my friend and what could have been.
Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I could have had a friendship wtih her that was rare and special. And even if you guys considered it technically an affair, no one was getting hurt. Now that I am not doing the contact, I am the one hurting.
\I know most of the people on here are BS, but if anyone has had an affair please tell me how long it takes for the pain to go away and the feeling that I am letting a soulmate go.

I'll be honest, I'm shocked at your level of denial. You were most assuradly having an emotional affair, and the pain you are experiencing now is proof. The thing is, if you let your wife, who supposedly isn't getting hurt, in on this little fact...I'd bet her pain would outweigh yours immensly.

As for how long it takes, well...it can take quite a while if you are continuing to deny that it was irresponsible and unappropriate behaviour. If you refuse to see it as an affair and refuse to try to find the core of the problem that led you to those feelings you certainly can't fix anything. How can you solve something you don't even see as a problem?

If the day comes that you decide to allow yourself to actually hear what many of us who have been in your situation are saying....you might find the answers you seek.

Ok, I will say that it was an affair -- call it whatever you like. Clearly I have some spot in me that needs to be filled. I am trying to figure that out. But in the meantime my question is how long does the pain last. Not saying my pain is worse than a BS, but inquiring about what experience has been from those who have been in my spot

Well, that's what I'm saying...from someone who has been in your spot. It's quite possible for the pain NEVER to go away if you don't find the root of the problem. Because if you decide to remain convinced that this woman was your soulmate (a fantasy)...you will never see the reality of the situation.

The intense longing will fade away in a matter of weeks as you begin to become accustomed to life without this other person. It's almost a matter of breaking a habit. When you're used to calling and talking everyday, and then you quit...you're going to have to adjust to the new way.

But then again, you never bothered to let her in on this so there's a good chance she'll look you up one of these days. Or maybe that's what this is really about? Testing her to see what she'll do?

Honestly, the only way you can permanently put this behind you is to find out what you're missing, what she was able to do that filled that void, and then figure out a way to bring that in to your marriage. Your wife should be your best friend...not another woman. Don't you think she would agree??

Like Hope says, it depends on what you focus on, if you wallow in "missing soulmate/forever friend/lost lost" thoughts, it'll take a long, long time.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You can make the misery last forever if you really work at it.

If you feel proud because you are doing the honorable thing, perhaps saving, now learning to improve your failing marriage, and not interferring with or ruining the other woman's marriage, and really take charge of learning what your weakness is that caused you to be so tempted, the feelings will fade sooner.

And, like anything to do with people, the length of the lingering feelings vary, depending on the mental, emotional, & spiritual strength of the individual.

If you are weak in any of these areas, it will take longer. If you are smart, strong-willed and and have a strong belief in doing the right thing, which is not always the comfortable, easy thing, it will take a shorter time, weeks rather than many months or years.

Thanks for the post. For the life of me, I can not tell you what hole this woman fills in any kind of specific way. It makes no sense to me, but yet there is something there. I love for what she makes me feel. I like the feeling of being in love, might be the best way to put it.
I am not trying to test her out by avoiding her. I have not called her and she has not called me, so it seems to be over, whatever it was
If the woman was dropdead beauty and it was about going to bed, I could say that I miss the sex in my marriage. But it was never about that. I had a huge thrill just holding her hand and telling her how I felt -- more than I had in a moment of pure sex
So honestly, I dont know what need she met. But she met something, and it is puzzling me and I miss having her in my life -- as brief as our contact was each week

Tempted:

As a former WS, I will tell you to re-read what Hope4future and Lor just posted. Then REALLY read them. Then re-read them again. No contact and marital recovery (yes, you do need to recover your marriage) will be as hard or as easy as YOU make it.

Just a warning, every time you see OW or even hear her voice you'll be set right back to square one. Since she may casually contact you without knowing what you're trying to do now, I would suggest that you send her an e-mail or letter telling her that your feelings for her were way out of line and that for the sake of your marriage and self-respect you will be unable to have any contact with her again. If she's half the woman you say she is, she'll understand and respect your wishes.

Good luck. It's all up to you at this point.

Lori

BTW, I still think you should tell your wife about your feelings (etc.) for this other woman.

Tempted,
Just to bring something else to your attention about at peace & me in case you've missed it, we're both BS & WS...that's one of the things that can happen in marriages that really go amiss. The WS, like you, turns their attention to someone else, not meeting the BS's needs, ignoring the BS, taking time away from the BS...and the BS becomes vulnerable and if they find "someone" or "someone" finds the BS...the BS, even knowing the pain an A --either EA or PA--causes, makes the same error in judgment.

And, that's why I say your marriage is failing.

Your wife needs the attention you've given to this OW....

It is an addiction. And like any other, until you find out what void it's filling, you will feel this way. Don't put a band aid on it by doing the 'I've lost my soulmate' thing. Get some counseling, tell your wife and get on with your life. It's painful because you're not living in a reality based world. Affairs are fantasy based, marriage is not. That's why they seem so wonderful at the time.

Again, I ask:

How long have you been married
Have you had any other affairs/infatuations?

Good luck and keep posting

tempted,
I'm so glad you've made this decision, and that you're still around here posting and asking questions...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You've gotten some great advice from folks that have been there.

Please stick around, and begin Plan A'ing your W immediately. Figure out what her top 5 EN's are (probably things like affection, conversation, openness and honesty), and avoid LB's (things like selfish demands and annoying habits). You can even print out the questionnaires on this site and ask her to complete them with you. It WILL make an unbelievable difference - one that you will LOVE - in your marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And focusing on taking care of yourself and your W will help you with the pains you are experiencing.

Some past WS men that you may want to do searches on are trueheart, chazbutler, and lighthouse. You may find some of their posts helpful (relatable to what you are thinking and feeling).

Good luck!

Well here's my two cents for what it worth...in the age of overanalyzing, labeling every action we do as a syndrome, and believing that every thing has some deep dark rooted meaning that is not in our control...I say oh poppycock to your whole situation....

None of us..and i mean none of us are 100% immune to being attracted, drawn, and interested in others than to whom we are married to...

You didn't experience any soul-mate encounter of the third kind.....you invested time and energy outside of your marriage...and got exactly what most people get when doing so...she is no siren, no temptress, and certainly no goddess of earth....

It happened not because of some cosmic rift, or some deep-dark hidden place inside of you crying out for release..it happened because it can happen of any of us..if and when WE let it...

You called her every day for heavens sake...you were physical with her albeit not even close to Clinton's definition...you had multiple lunches with her...

Look no further to how this happened to each and every action of yours that took you to where you are today...you created this whole illusion and fantasy world...all of us would love to live an illusionary fantasy world...it's escapism at its finest...and not because our own lives are lacking anything...the thrill of the hunt is exciting..and we all like it...It's fun and exciting and energizing...pursuing and being pursued...fun stuff...

This post may be pissing you off and that is not my intent...you call it a rare and special friendship..what is that?. What you did was engage in physical contact...

You had deep meaningful conversations only because you iniated them and pursued them...you had new stories to share...only because she is "new" to you...

See it for what it really is and the pain will go away...every single one of us is capable of investing ourselves emotionally in others...it comes down to a simple decision that the vows we took and that others took deserve respect...that forsaking all others is not in there as a way to kill time at the alter before getting to the open bar at the reception..but there because it can happen if and when we let it...no great mystery to it all...

Here's a little hint...true friends soul-mate type of friends do not potentially harm innocent other in their actions...no matter how good it makes them feel when the magic moment presents itself...

OK I am mad at you and your post/posts and I apologize if this is flaming you..but your deep seeking need to justify and victimize yourself when you did exactly what most people do in an affair...and then to be all in denial like you have been is making me nuts...(and I'm not really mad cause I don't know "you")...but sheesh man... actions have consequences...and you hurting is a direct consequence of your ACTIONS...

ARK whose feathers are somewhat ruffled but really does mean no harm...(don't you hate when people preface insults with that line...) / <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> /

There is one statement in your post which says everything - "I love her for what she makes me feel" - so the truth is, you don't love her at all and you don't have a rare and special friendship and you are not attracted to her because she is your soulmate - you love her like an addict loves his fix. That's all. She's a person. She deserves better than to be used by you.

Love isn't love when it's focused entirely on what the other person does for you. Love is love when you focus on what you can bring in terms of care to an honest relationship with another human being. This is what you should have with your wife. If you don't, you are cheating her out of what she deserves. And she probably knows already she is being cheated - she probably feels that void you are feeling right now but hasn't QUITE been able to put her finger on it yet, but she will someday. You have a chance here to save your marriage and grow as a human being - otherwise you're posting on this board is a waste of time.

Odile

Last night I sat with my wife on the front porch and I asked her what her five most important emotional needs were. She listed them and then I asked her if I was meeting them. She said I was, almost all of the time. Then I listed mine and found that she was not meeting a couple of them -they have to do with romance, that kind of thing. We talked for a while and I said it was good to take moments like that and just talk.

Then, about an hour later, I start thinking about my female friend. She is on vacation with her family and I have not heard from her. A messge I left for her on a private voice box has not been picked up. I had decided to not have contact, so this is probably a sign to stick to that path.

But as the night wore on I found myself thinking about this woma. I know 90 percent of it is not reality, that no one is that wonderful, but the power of it it draws me right back in.

Not talking with her makes me sad. It seems that if she called me out of the blue right now it would be like a surge that would run through my body and make me so happy.

What is all that about?

I am staying the course, but I am so, so tempted to find an excuse to run into her next week when she gets back.

If you are sticking to no contact, when did you leave a message on a private voice box? I am still interested in answers to the questions I have:

-how long have you been married
-have you had any other infatuations/affairs?

Also, if this other woman is married, does her H know?

In response to your question, I have been married over 20 years. I have been attracted to other women, found them appealing, but I have never done anything. I mean appealing in the sense I enjoyed their company, nothing secretive, just chemistry.
This woman hit me like a lightening bolt. I feel lovestruck, etc.
Her husband knows that she knows me, but not to the extent of which we used to talk daily. I left the voice mail last week, prior to doing the no contact thing

tempted,
I'd like to suggest to you that you do your very best to focus on what your W does for you. What needs does she meet very well? SHe may be lacking in romance, or some other things, but she does SOME things really great. Focus on those, and be thankful for them. You may want to post them here to help you identify them.

Did she seem open/willing to strive to learn about EN's? ... to learn how to better meet your needs that are lacking?

Would you like to list her top EN's here, and the ways you feel that you meet them... and see if we can help you a bit?

That's Plan A. You can't change your W - but you can do everything you can to be the best YOU you can be. We can help you. Adjusting yourself, will improve your outlook, and improve your marriage. Before long, I bet those butterfly feelings for the OW will subside.

What do you think?

I am impressed that you had this conversation with your wife - you deserve credit for making the effort to do this. And credit for having the courage to keep posting here in the face of the anger from people like me who have been so hurt by our WS.

First, I'd like to say you are now way ahead of my WS who has taken no interest in finding out what my ENs are, nor which I am letting him down on.

Second, I think you would find the article "shattered vows" on www.findarticles.com well worth reading. Although the author is talking in large part about sexual affairs - most of what she says applies just as much to people like you who find themselves drawn to an emotional affair - and most sexual affairs do not start out with pure lust - they begin exactly the same as your attachement to this other woman. This article has a lot to say about the WS - the WS motivation - I found it very interesting - not what you expect to hear. Things like, the WS finds that he feels new and different and alive around the OP and attributes this feeling to the effect of the OP. In actuality, it is because he is not investing his energy in the right way with his wife - he is allowing his marriage to die from boredom and lack of interest. Something has to change in the way he relates and spends time with his wife for him to have these same romantic feelings again with his wife. Most people assume that an affair happens because the WS is not "getting enough" of what he needs with the spouse. This is not true. The BS is usually giving as much as can be given - it is the WS who is not giving, and not allowing the BS to give, but shifts his focus away from the BS to the OP and allows the OP to give. She puts it much better than I can - and of course, its not that simple. I think you would find it a very illuminating article - it does not bash the WS.

And last - what you are experiencing is withdrawal. You are wanting your fix. If you get your fix, you will be addicted again and have to start all over again. Think of it this way - who is in control - you or this woman? - You do realize, don't you, that you are giving this woman enormous power over you, just like a junkie hands over control of his whole life to the needle. There must be some reason why you feel the same void and the same need for a fix that a junkie feels. What are you running from - something very painful? My husband is - he was terribly psychologically abused by his parents. It's why I still have some compassion for him. Perhaps you have other issues you need to address, too.

Although I sound harsh, I honestly hope that you are able to come to grips with this and to reignite the spark in your marriage. You are now on the right track and you just have to persevere with what you have started.

Good luck!
Odile

Welcome Tempted

I don’t post much but I have been coming to this site for 2 years now. I have been the BS and the WS and have finally grown up and discovered that the love I share and feel with my wife, the one I love is awesome and it was always there.

I have been following your postings and I get frustrated reading them because you are so in denial. I do give you a lot of credit for being man enough to deal with this but please stop kidding yourself ,your in love with the feeling of being in love.

I don’t remember a lot of details but I remember reading your previous posts and thinking that it doesn’t sound like you are out of love with your wife, that you are just lost.

Let’s face it you’ve been married for 20 years and it’s real easy to get caught up in the game of life and lose who we are. Someone comes along and makes us feel what we thought we would never feel again, our memory banks get jogged and we forget what it was like when we first met our SO’s ,that we had the same thing. Except we don’t see that at the time , all we see is “Soul Mate” “The one that got away”. And the secrecy adds to the excitement.

Think of your wife not as your wife, but another human being who doesn’t need this lie Who are you to cheat her out of the best that you can give her ? Who are you to misrepresent yourself to her and not be honest with her for your own ego? This OW is stealing you away from her and your wife doesn’t even have a chance to defend herself, She doesn’t have a clue. It all goes back to honesty, you are not being honest with her and as far as I’ve ever know this don’t make for an ideal marriage. So what do you have to judge the A against? Your dishonesty with your wife and yourself?

It all goes back to you. You are the one that is guilty of all of the above. And the more you live this illusion the more you will waste your wife’s life on an illusion. This is fact

I ‘m sorry if I’m coming off too opinionated but it’s because I care and I understand the pain and the self deception these A’s can create.

Open your heart to your wife, tell her what’s been going on, give her a chance to be your best friend again give her a chance to defend herself, that’s the only way to break that chain or there will always be 3 people sleeping in your bed. Bring it out of the closet and into the light of day.

On this site there are many former hard case WS’s who have done a complete turn around with their marriages. People who just like you thought that they would never get the In Love feelings back from their SO’s. People who were highly addicted just like you. Your story is actually pretty tame compared to other people’s on this sight but I realize it’s none the less real.

I would like to recommend the book ‘”The Road Less Traveled” if for nothing else the chapter on Love. Buy it, Read it

The people on this sight have some great advice, have patience we are just trying to help you

Thanks for all the replies. It has been a week since I last spoke with my friend. She is on vacation, to that makes part of it easier. But if she wanted to she could leave a message.

But I am taking this as a sign that it is time for me to be strong. The hardest day was two days ago. I am better today. Someone posted something that made a lot of sense. I am like a junkie waiting for a fix. A two minute phone conversation sent me soaring. But the reality of that is that it is just a crumb. Why would anyone wait for crumbs when I have a loving wife at home?

These are answers that I am searching for. I have been doing reading on my own, trying explore what is lacking in my life. I cannot pinpoint somehting like an abusive parent, or problems with my job or alcohol. But she stirred something in me that sent me reeling.

I am working on withdrawl. The big test will be next Monday when she returns. If she pages me, do I call back? I am going to be so, so tempted to call her. I am being honest. But I am goping to try and stay strong.

tempted,
I'm glad you're still posting to us. To answer your question - no, you shouldn't call her. You decided on no contact, right? Please stick to it, k?

I'm interested in seeing what you think, and some answers to some of my questions here:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tempted,
I'd like to suggest to you that you do your very best to focus on what your W does for you. What needs does she meet very well? SHe may be lacking in romance, or some other things, but she does SOME things really great. Focus on those, and be thankful for them. You may want to post them here to help you identify them.

Did she seem open/willing to strive to learn about EN's? ... to learn how to better meet your needs that are lacking?

Would you like to list her top EN's here, and the ways you feel that you meet them... and see if we can help you a bit?

That's Plan A. You can't change your W - but you can do everything you can to be the best YOU you can be. We can help you. Adjusting yourself, will improve your outlook, and improve your marriage. Before long, I bet those butterfly feelings for the OW will subside.

What do you think? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks... and stay strong!!! You can do it!