I guess you never really know what people are talking about until you experience it yourself.
For the first time in several months I feel nothing but despair over the situation with my WH. He claims the A is over and I have no proof that it is or is not.
My WH has been up and down with his feelings since early May (when I believe the A was actually ending/probably ended completely toward the end of May -- although they still work together).
Jennifer Harley had me give him an I desire letter outlining what I thought trying meant -- she thought maybe it was approaching time to go to plan B because the A might still be going on and he was engaged in other destructive behaviors.
In mid-June he was acting so ridiculous about people knowing about the A/how it would ruin him/how did they find out, etc. that I told him I was losing my patience and love for him and didn't know how much longer I could last in this limbo. He responded by sending me an email the next day that stated that he hoped I could hang on because he wanted to move home and try and work on our relationship.
In late June I received a long letter from him apologizing for his behavior and also acknowledging other issues in our marriage. He ended the letter by telling me that I was his best friend, but that he felt no intimate connection with me any longer. There was no mention of his previous statement that he wanted to try and work on our M.
Last night, he came over and said he would like to try and talk about his letter. I told him I appreciated his writing it and the thoughtfulness with which he approached it. I told him that a) I was still confused as to what he wanted to do because the letter didn't indicate anything about that and b) it seemed that it was not in the letter because maybe he was still confused, which was ok. He asked whether I still felt I could wait for a decision. I told him (calmly which is hard for me, but then I did start to cry) that I did still love him and that I wanted to try and work on our relationship. I told him that it had taken all of my strength, patience and shoving aside my pride to try and be his friend and be there for him over the last six months, but that it was worth it. I did tell him that I couldn't wait forever, but that I also didn't know what my "drop dead" date was as I thought in my mind originally that it was six months, but things had been improving and I needed to reassess this based upon what was happening now.
He said he didn't think his mind would change. He's read Passionate Marriage, His Needs/Her Needs, Fall in Love/Stay in Love and he just didn't "get" anything out of those books. I didn't ask him to read them, he saw them at our home and got copies for himself.
I started to cry and went into the back yard to pull myself together. After a few minutes, he came outside and said I'm sorry. He said that he was depressed and felt like his life was imploding. I told him that I wanted to be there to help him through what he was feeling, but that it was hard when we don't see eachother or talk very much (he has a really hard time talking and I don't want to push it too much). I said I'm sorry too and I'm sad. He left and called me several times on his way back to his apartment to see if I was ok. I said I was doing ok, but that I had a lot to think about.
He called again this morning en route to a business trip in another part of the state. He asked again if I was ok. He is gone the rest of the week, but I will see him later this week at a work related cocktail party we both have to attend.
Is this withdrawal? Is this just fence-sitting and the A isn't over? Do I keep plan A until I am completely at wits end? I still have love left for him. It is so hard to watch him be this depressed and not let anyone help. He will not go to counseling and he will not talk to any friends (he has managed to alienate all of his friends throughout this ordeal by cutting off contact with anyone that has tried to help him/be there for him).
Any words of wisdom? Last night I thought I cannot take this anymore, but this morning I am a little more calm and think I can do this for a bit longer, but it is getting harder.
