Today is a really hard day. Today is exactly one year since WH moved out. He did move back home in May and things were good for awhile. Now he is back to calling OW all the time and treats me like I'm not even there. He won't talk anymore, tells me he doesn't know what he wants, only asks about the kids, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. I really love him with all my heart but I just don't know how much more my heart can take. I feel like yelling at GOD - why are you making this happen to us. The kids are so much happier when mom & dad are there. Why can't things just be good and back to normal? I just don't understand why this happens to so many good marriages? I feel like leaving - going somewhere with the kids where I don't have to deal with any of this anymore - EVER! Anyone ever felt like this before - how do you make it through???

I pray.
I exercise.
I try to identify and then focus on the important questions.
I focus on contingency plans.

Yesterday, a full 4 weeks from D-Day, I finally acknowledged to myself that I am holding on too tightly; that I need to just let go... of everyting. I also hit some emotional limit where I feel broken, numb. While I still care, I don't care enough to fight right now. I feel a crushing weight and the thought of fighting makes me wish I were dead. So, I come to MB, I post. I try to make sense of things as best I can.

I remind myself that God had nothing to do with what my WW did to the OM or what he did to her. He used her like a blow up doll and she willingly played the part. I wonder if I can accept that and move on? I think I can. But, I know now (I think) that until I let her go... emotionally, that my love for her is a clingy, needy thing and not the Love for her I aspire it to be. I had that once. Everything is stained now. But, I can aspire to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

I just try to keep busy. It's not easy.

Boy, do I know your pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Recovering from the pain of infidelity was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I agree with the others that keeping busy - in productive ways - is helpful. After FWH's first affair I started exercising...lost 45 lbs. (to a size 1-2) and became anorexic/exercise-obsessed. It's possible to go overboard. Not sure whether I was trying to punish FWH or myself by destroying my body...both I guess. I'm healed now, tho, inside and out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I did want to say that it's not God's fault at all that this has happened to you. He gave every one of us free will, and your husband used his free will to make terrible, hurtful decisions. I used to cry out to God "Why?" and "How can you let this happen?" until I finally realized that God feels my pain, too, and He's so sad WITH me!

I was able to recover and let go of the pain in time (the anger took a little longer, I'm afraid).

Plan A really is good...makes you really like and appreciate yourself. That goes a long way in helping your marriage heal, believe it or not.

I wish you peace in your heart and in your home! Don't give up...keep praying for your H and your marriage!

Lori

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

BJW, I know exactly what you are going through..my situation is almost exactly the same except my WH is out again and meaning as mean as ever...as if I was the one who caused the marriage to break up...I have asked God the same thing, like, how could he allow me to marry a person with a cold heart like my WH? I pray constantly to keep my sanity..I can't seem to get it in my head that my WH does not love me anymore...

I don't know what to say either...except I am still struggling with this...even after our divorce.

I agree that God can't be happy with what is occuring in our lives. He must be as sad as we are....and it is probably true that at times like this...He is there for us--stronger than ever.

I hope He will provide the strenth and wisdom our kids will need to get through this mess. Pat