<BR>My question is simple and to the point. If you were the betrayer, did you really think you were in love, and that the person you were having the affair with was the ONE? Or did you know down deep that it was not the real thing? I read your post and see that most of you find yourself back with your husbands/wives and that the affair was just a passing quick fix to a deeper problem. I am trying to tell if it is love or a quick fix. How long do quick fix affairs usually last? What causes them to end?

Did you really think you were in love, and that the person you were having the affair with was the ONE?<P>No, I knew I wasn't really in love, just having a good time and kind of "playing a game." I absolutely, positively never felt OM was the one. He just made me feel darn good, and I enjoyed it since it had been so long since my H had made me feel good.<P>How long do quick fix affairs usually last?<P>From what I've read, they type of affair I had (and my H had) will usually not last much more than 6 mos. Mine lasted 7 months and my H's lasted 4.<P>What causes them to end?<P>My H ended his affair when OW became a pain in the butt, demanding more attention than he wanted to give her. He dumped her flat, making excuses that they had to "do the right thing." He wanted out of the mess he was in. Mine ended when I found out that my H had an affair. It killed all of my interest in being with someone else. I knew my marriage was in serious trouble and I wanted to fix things right away.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

inloveonline,<P>Oh yes... She was THE ONE. I was definitely in love, big time. It was the real thing, as much as any other "in-love" feeling is. I don't care how much it was based on fantasy, it was still real.<P>The crux of the matter is that it is wrong. I'm married and I have a son. It is just plain wrong to be in love with someone else.<P>I have no idea what a "quick-fix" affair is. And I don't know how long they last. My emotional affair lasted approximately 3 or 4 months. It ended when my wife discovered it. The OW freaked and didn't want to see me again. I also decided at that time I could not leave my son, so for his sake decided to work on my marriage. My wife and I are making a very valiant effort to discover that loving feeling again. And we are actually making some pretty good progress recently.<P>--andy

Yup, I knew for sure . Still do in fact (it was the real thing and he was the one). But chose to do the "right" thing over what my heart was telling me. I chose morals over emotions. (see profile - it is long but read the whole thing - for details). I knew I'd find no peace in betraying my own sense of morality. Unfortunately, I don't have peace in living w/o the man who made me - well the me I have always wanted to be (not yet, at least).<p>[This message has been edited by facing choices (edited September 12, 1999).]

inloveonline..<P>In retrospect, you can say, "geez, what a stupid fool I was, what in the hell was I thinking..!"<P>But if you go back in time to when it was occurring, you can say that you believed it was love. What it was becomes a realization of what you know now. So now, I can say that it was nothing but a ridiculous diversion from real life that caused more pain than I could ever imagine. And I cannot ever imagine why I cared about him in the first place. But if you are in a different place, like just getting over the OP, it's not the same answer. It all comes down to TIME. And I've had time to reflect upon this.

at the time - absoultely positively thought I was in love. Still wonder on some days... what was that I did? Did I know deep down? You bet, I thought it was real, that he was my <blech> soul mate, and that despite the odds we would grow old and grey together. I still can't say for sure if it was a quick fix type of thing or not. I was unhappy for a long time. Mine was an exit affair, I thought. I wanted out of my marriage. But in the end, I realized that I was just selfishly grabbing at something that wasn't mine, and I wasn't free to give either. Love? I don't think so now. Then? I was head over heels.

inloveonline - thank you so much for asking this question. I had a thread going which paralleled this topic...I asked betrayers to describe the "fantasy" aspect of their affair. From what I read here, there and in over 10 books on infidelity, this is all part of the fantasy of the affair.<P>I am the betrayed in my situation and I, like you, am trying to make sense of it. I don't know about you, but I find the waiting unbearable. I keep asking over and over questions relating to the "in love" feelings and the "fantasy" feelings in an attempt to convince myself that what my W is in is just temporary. She was so mean to me the last time I saw her...she told me things like "the OM is my SOULMATE". (Oh how I despise that term now.) She actually had the nerve to start to tell me what life is like with the OM...as if I was just some disinterested 3rd party. I had to remind her that any description like that would cause me even greater anguish.<P>Although most of the betrayers who resonded to my earlier thread stated that their affairs were indeed a fantasy, it's been my observation that this conviction becomes stronger the further along in the withdrawal process they are. It seems that the betrayers who are "fresh" from their affair (within 3-4 months of the end of the affair or so) tend to feel that their love for the OP was indeed real. Who am I to say that it was or wasn't?<P>During the waiting period, I find that I need almost daily reassurances from people much wiser than I in order to survive. I must apologize for this, but for me, this is what keeps any hope I have alive. I certainly don't want to delude myself into thinking that my W WILL return to me, but right now, I see only two chances - slim and none. I prefer the slim!

inloveonline:<P>I'll answer for my wife. Yes, she thought she was in a "one-in-a-million" love.<P>An affair is (99.97% of the time) a "quick fix". It's a symptom, not a remedy. After the affair is "outed", they usually last between 6-24 months. If the affair hasn't been discovered, they can last for many, many years.

I was not in love with om, although om tried to convince me I was and maybe, at some deep level, I wanted to be to excuse what I had done.<P>Now, 14 years later, I hate the om with a passion. I can't stand the thought of him. He's a snake. He's the only person on the face of the earth that I could take a gun and blow a hole through. I've had dreams in which I did because he was stalking me. I blame him for ruining my life and brainwashing me against my dear h. I know I share some of the blame but imho, a single man should have known to stay away from a vulnerable wife-especially since he knew my h.<P>Now, I am the betrayed. Yes, my h. thought he was in love...she was his soul mate, he would be with her in his next life and all that crap. He has said since, however, he now no longer believes it (it was emotional with not even a kissed shared between them). <P>Anyway, Harley says infidelity causes the same pain as rape and I beleive him. It was the worst mistake I ever made. I only wish I had it to do over again because I know beyond a doubt I would choose not too. I causes too much pain to everybody invovled. If anybody's considering doing it...run for your life.<P>maybe a better question would be is there anyone who stayed with their spouse and regretted it? Or, visa versa, left for the op and later regretted it.

Hurtingwife,<P>I think you hit the nail on the head for me. Both me and OM wanted to believe we were in love, that somehow would make it ok for us to be cheating, right? I mean, why else would I risk everything I had unless I was in love? And I think that's the situation a lot of people were/are in. It somehow sounds worse for someone to say, no, I'm not in love, just cheating because it feels good, and nothing more.<P>For all the reasons I already mentioned on the "bash OM" thread , I knew full well that the OM wasn't the one. I will admit that I wasn't sure my H was either, but oh how I wanted him to be. We just couldn't figure out how to have that connection. And so, as people do who are in great need, we found cheap stand ins, nothing more. But at the time, I took that cheap stand in willingly, because it was better than nothing. Now, I realize I sold myself cheap. I deserved so much better, and now I have it, paid a steep price, but I have it now with my H.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Yes, I was really in love, yes I felt it was the real thing. I don't necessarily think he was the ONE...I think there are a lot of people out there that could be the ONE.<P>The thing is the "feelings" that I have for the OM would fade over time and I would be at the same stage with the OM that I'm with my H right now.<P>I love my H, but don't have the "feelings" for him. That's why I felt that I loved the OM more than my h...the "feelings" made me feel so good. <P>I used to think that if I didn't have those "feelings" for my h that I must not really love him, but something happened this weekend to make me change my mind. <P>I was at a wedding and the priest was talking about how "feelings" will fade, and at that point you have to make a decision to love...I've decided that's what I'm going to do. It really took a weight off my shoulders.

Ok..my response is different. <P>I did love him, but not in a "the one" kind of way, like I do my H. Have you ever loved someone that you could never be with permanently? We would never have made it. But that's not why we ended it. I chose my H.<P>But I did and still do believe the emotions were real. I am totally re committed and completely in love with my H, just so you know I'm not clouded in judgement by still being in my affair.<P> <P>Take Care<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

at the time, I definitely was IN LOVE, and knew he was the one, but that life had dealt me a bad hand and I was stuck with my husband. that was the way I felt.<P>I know better now, but didn't realize it until after withdrawal.

Well in my situation i believed i was truly in love and the OM had me believing i was in love with him and my H. But i guess in the end if that were true it wouldn't of ended so badly and we'd still be friends now. I'd say too that mine was temporary cause wasn't planning on leaving H .. just didn't know how to express to him how he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. Luckily him and i are rebuilding our love for one another.<P>How long do they last depends on the people involved .. had 3 of them and each lasted differant amounts of times from 2 weeks for the one.. 7 months for the second and almost 4 months the second one. Only one out of the 3 did it almost become a physical one.<P>Your best bet is to end any romantic type relationship from on here and try just being friends if its your marriage you want to work on. Talking from experience is all.<P>------------------<BR>Alliy

Also what causes them to end depends on the people involved to and if one is demanding too much attention from the other. So many differant things can cause it to end from a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend think your putting too much into the other relationship instead of the real relationship, to not spending enough time with the other person they feel neglected. I've been there with both of these things, even been accused of being obessive with this last guy when he was just as bad, just wanted to cover his butt from his girlfriend knowing his true feelings. So he lost a good friend as well and not much i can do but go through dealing with how i'm feeling, withdraw symtoms (sp )?, and moving on, forgetting about ever even being friends with him too. Its for the best anyways.<P>------------------<BR>Alliy

Yes, definitely in love, the man of my dreams, once in a lifetime love, the kind people search all their lives for and never find. I kept telling myself "why didn't we meet years ago, before we married". Broke it off few times over 2 year period but always ended up back together because "it was so right for us be together". I loved my husband but was no longer in love with him.<P>I never thought true love could ever fade, it last a lifetime if was truly meant to be and right. Even though I see differently now that things would change with OM over time, I still find it hard sometimes to believe it was all fantasy.<P>Finally ended when OM decided he wanted to try for his son. <P>Trying to fall back in love with my husband and not shut him out like I've done for so long. <P>

How is being in love with someone else any different from the the very first person you fell in love with? I would venture to say that the first person you fell in love with was supposedly the one. Food for thought, though an answer is appreciated. I ask because I still love my exgirlfriend though not as I do my wife because my exgirlfriend failed to commit to me.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

The kind of love I felt for OM was to me the kind in story book romances. You know when you first see the person and there's something there and instant spark. That spark grew into a roaring fire and I still feel it was always be there for him.<P>Things were different with my husband, he pursued me, the attraction wasn't instant but grew with time. Even in the very beginning when I was very much in love him, I don't recall the passion and desire being so strong.

InLove: My affair started 20 years ago and ended 15 years ago. My OM was 13 years older than me. (I'm now 39.) <P>At the time I felt like he was absolutely the love of my life. My soulmate (puke) and everything I ever wanted in this life. For many years after our relationship ended, I continued to feel this way. I agree with Shattered1 in that the deeper into withdrawal I went, the more I mourned for him. There was definitely something in the fact that I couldn't (wouldn't) leave my husband for him that made the pain more exquisite to me. Like I was so noble, giving up something I loved so much for my husband and children. <P>Only in the last two years have I finally seen this OM for what he really is. With the fantasy being totally removed now, I can see all his flaws, and believe me, there are many. My husband has proved to be the best man by far, and I thank God that I made the choices I made back then. (You see my youngest child belongs to this OM.) <P>So, even though at the time I felt that I loved him dearly, it was just a fantasy. Lisa <p>[This message has been edited by Ltaylor (edited September 13, 1999).]

The other side answering <P>Yes, my h felt he loved his ow very much. Although the part about thinking she was the "only one" is dabatable - sometimes he doesn't go that deep, and certtainly not in that case. He just felt that with all the things going wrong ( the real ones, plus the ones he was creating to justify the affair )on our marriage, and having those feeling for her, she was a better choice, although realizing that he could have developed that kind of feeling for any other woman that offered the same kind of conection.( I'm not talking just sexual, more support, and listening, and a shot of self-confidence - although I was still providing that just in a way that wasn't registering . Fixed that problem soon ) <BR>But as airheart says, although the feelings were real ( and, I said this before, but find it always helpfull to repeat, being married does not wipe out any feelings we might develop for other people, all it can do is help to decide on appropriate choices regarding to the level of committment it brings ) those real feelings were based on a wrong decision. It did take him a while to retrace all the steps and realize where the mistake was made, and from there to be able to make his choice in a different way than before. AT first he was thinking "she did this, and this... and also that. This new person has been here for me and I love her. It happened because I was the injured part. My needs weren't being met", later he realized "well, actually, it happened because both of us were making mistakes in this relationship, we forgot some of the things that were important to us, so when someone came up and offered what I was craving I took it and didn't think about anything else. However my marriage can still offer me what I need, if we both work at it. If I made that choice before, it's because it can be done again now " and from there 9 after many months we were finally able to start pulling the cart on the same side, instead of opposite sides.<BR>Answer to your question: Yes he felt pretty much in love with the ow.which is one of the easiest things to happen with human beings.<BR>Take care,<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.