Sorry to call you by name like that, but I have been reading this forum for a few weeks and it seems you are well-respected. I would like to get your input on my situation. Please read my post from June 27, in this section.

I'm having such a hard time getting past the "need-to-know" aspect. I suspect, but have no evidence, that there is continued contact of a personal nature between WH and OW. In any event, they still work together every day. I just spent last week away at the lake with our kids and my family. And when I asked him how is 4th was he responded that he took his old car to a shop to be restored and then spent the rest of the day by himself--not likely. He also said that on Sat. night he went to the car races by himself--also not likely; he is just not that sort of guy. All this just gets me all suspicious again and I can't stand it.

I know I should be concentrating on me and how I could have made the marriage better. I guess maybe I am in somewhat of a panic mode, as we have basically come to terms on a settlement agreement and in just a few short weeks we could be divorced.

If you can offer any of your apparent wisdom, it would be greatly appreciated. I want to be able to live with myself and know that I have done everything possible for my marriage and our children!

up for BR! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dmand... in the meantime... find a recent Bramblerose post (there's one out there now called "Detachment with Love")... click on the sunglasses at the top of her post, and then click on "View Recent Posts".... You can go and read several of her recent posts to others... much of her wisdom is applicable to many of us.

Forgive me if you have already done that... just wanted to give you an option for learning from her until she has a chance to respond directly to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck... hang in there!

Faith1, thank you.

That is very helpful information. I have a hard time finding out how to move around in the forum--cannot even figure out how to find my own latest post except by guessing at the date and going back to there. Is there a better way?

Thanks again and I am haaaanging in, barely!

Dmand.

Demand ~

Hiya. Sorry I took so long. I am working alot of overtime right now - my husband has been unemployed since last Oct and I'm trying to help pay some bills!

First off - here's a link to the thread that Faith mentioned: Detachment with Love

She's right, that thread is exactly where you need to get emotionally right now.

I went back and read your story. I saw lots of similiarities with mine. I plan A'd my husband while divorcing him, and like yours, when it was his time to see the kids, he was over at the house, asking me out to eat, yes, we had sex, lots of really energetic sex!, and yes, he was still seeing the OW.

While it IS NOT MBs, my thought was that he was NOT emotionally finished with me, and that while I had no hope of our marriage being repaired, I set out to break up him with his OW. I played up the "OW" bit. It was calculating and manipulative. But I figured if his relationship with HER kept us from staying together, that I could get OUR relationship to keep him off balance with her. It was my revenge on her.

And before long we reconciled.

Does that mean I think you are on the verge of recovery? I have NO idea. BUT, I have to say that alot of what you describe seems to me that your H isn't really done with you or the marriage, all protests to the contrary.

Stay the course. Don't drop the divorce.

Snoop away, but stop telling him or questioning him about what you find. You are OVER right (so he swears)? If that's so, ACCEPT it, and get on with your life. Have things to do, be busy, but not too busy to see him if he asks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I used to leave when he showed up, vaguely saying I was going out and I'd be back later. I never got "out" for more than a couple hours before he was on my cell phone asking me to meet him and the kids for dinner or lunch or at the park or whatever.

Don't HIDE what you are doing from him, but dont volunteer either. Be pleasant, friendly, but distant. DETACH. Right now, for today, you are headed towards divorce. Act that way.

Either you will be in good shape when the divorce happens OR you will succeed at giving him enough doubts that he'll want to stop it.

If he does, then you throw the ball back into his court, by asking him what HE plans to do to rebuild your trust. If it isn't what you need, then answer is no, sorry, that is NOT a plan that I can live with.

What do you need? You can't ask him for it, he has to offer. SO right now, get on the phone with Steve Harley. He'll give you a boost, and you can lay the ground work for your H's potential return. If your H wants to stop the divorce, you can simply say, ok, then call my counselor. If my counselor says its safe, then I'll consider it. Then STEVE gets to make the demands for you - instead of you.

Anyway, thats getting ahead of where you are at. Right now, you simply have to stop talkign about your marriage and his affair.

He is, for today, who he is. A man who is sleeping with another woman. Have fun, Plan A him, and enjoy how bad the problems you are causing in his affair relationship <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DETACH. One way or another you will be fine. That sense of confidence, I am convinced, scares the dickens out of fence sitting WSs.

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</small>

BR: and others:

Thank you soooo much. I really need this support. So you're saying I should try to meet his needs as much as possible and be a thorn in OW's side? Would you go as far as showing up at his work looking great just to ask him to lunch, even though he indicates he wants nothing to do with me? I guess that is me still clinging, huh?

I did just snoop tonight and found that the last number dialed on his home phone was her cell #; and also there were beer bottles on the counter indicating a few people over. The relevance of that is that I know he flat out lied to me about what he was doing on Wed., after having the nerve to sit here at my house working on work stuff on the computer until 2 p.m. and telling me he was going to a year-end work celebration at another guy's house, then leaving for an out-of-town trip. I cannot stand the LIES! And they just keep coming! Here's a kicker: as he was leaving Wed., he gave all the kids a kiss and told them he loved them and would see them in two days, so I piped in and said "Have fun. (pause) I love you". His response was "Same, right back at you".

Is he just playing a game to see if he can make me believe he still cares, so that I don't suspect anything? Or does he care?

I really hate all this game-playing--I am a very honest person and all I want is my marriage and family back. However, I don't feel I should have to compete for my own husband. Maybe I am wrong in that respect.

Sorry, I am rambling again. I gotta get to bed--its been a long day.

Dmand

Hey all:

I'm feeling really blue and just need some encouragement. Why is it that we BSs have to be the one to suck it up and try pleasing the lying, cheating BSs again?

Had heated argument with WH tonight over his failure to tell me the truth last week when I asked a simple question regarding his whereabouts. I cannot stand this lying and that is pretty much what I told him. (I received a credit card bill which indicated he did something other than what he had told me--I don't know if OW was involved or not; of course, he says she wasn't, but who knows.) Then I asked him some other questions regarding his whereabouts this week and he flat-out lied again.

I guess this is major LB on my part; I just don't know if I have enough love left to accept anything he tells me as the truth. And then he turns it around and says he's sick of the 20 questions and that he doesn't have to answer to me at all since we are separated. All I want is the truth... I wish in a way he would just come out and tell me that he is still seeing OW and that is why we are divorcing. Instead, he says it's all my fault and things like tonight happen and he says, "And then you wander why we have problems." Excuse me, but I used to believe what he said and trust him until his illicit behavior changed all that.

What is best for me at times like these? I guess I really have to just quit caring. That is so hard to do, especially when I'm trying to Plan A him and yet keep a close eye on what is really going on.

Anyone have any words of encouragement? I am trying to look to God every day to just get me through...

Damnd