This is my second post on this site and it has been nice to find others who have and are riding on the same emotional roller coaster that I cant seem to get off of.
My other post is under "Just found out" if you want a little background.
The last week has been pretty nice the ups and downs haven't been as dramatic as before, but the thing just won't stop and let me off. Last night we had a little fight. She has been using my Laptop because her computer is having problems. (Problems that I'm sure she thinks I caused) But she thinks I set up my laptop to record all her activity on the net and set it to save her passwords. Although this sounds like a good idea, I am trying to rebuild the trust and can't afford to do things like that. It was set up to save the history for the last 20 days and to auto save passwords but that is how it was. Anyway, sorry if I vent to much. After we augured she went to bed and I sat down next to her and talked to her. We had a good talk with a friendly hug. She is really confused about her feelings and why she did what she did. She told me that She doesn't know why she thinks about this kid or why wants to see him again. She thinks it is a pride thing. It was just a one-time thing (I think) that happened on a cruise, but she wants to think she wasn't used or that he really liked her. She feels like she is getting old and needs to know that she is still attractive. I obviously wasn't meeting her needs in this area and have been working so hard to make sure she knows how I feel about her. She feels guilty for what she did, and for thinking about OM and wanting to see him again. Even if it is only to feel like he likes her and she can drop him. I asked if she would sleep with him again if he came back and wanted more, she said she didn't know. That hurts so deeply I don't know what to do. That’s why she wants to separate or get a divorce so she doesn’t keep hurting me. She knows I have been so good to her but she doesn't want to give up something that might be with someone who likes her, if we can't change our married life. Feels like I will change after things are normal between us again. I have to ask, Will things ever be normal again?
She said she feel like being with me sometimes but doesn't feel that’s right if she keeps thinking in OM. I asked if she knew that I loved her, she said she didn't know. Feels that I love the mother of my kids and love the security of a family. I let her know it would be easier on me to just give up and start new, but that I don't want to abandon her at a time of her life when she is lost and confused. I feel that proves my love it true, just by wanting to work it out and not walking out when I found out that she had an A. I don't understand how she could give up a family for something that might be. I don't understand what is behind her word. What are her real intentions?
As you might have guessed, I'm riding the down side of this machine today.
I'm glad I have this site to go to when I need a lift back on top. Thanks

CD

CD,
Just wanted to pop in and let you know you're not being ignored. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I gotta go... but hopefullly someone else can pop in and say hello also.

I'll check back in with ya later, k?

Hang on tight to the coaster!!

citydweller,
I'm glad you found this place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I'm glad you have been reading and lurking. Keep it up. I have a couple of thoughts for ya...

If it's any consolation to you, much of what your W says is very much in common with other WW's. The confusion, guilt, etc... we call it fence-sitting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . You ask about her intentions?? She doesn't know. She just knows she's unhappy, and is trying to find her way out of it.

Since the A is not active at this point (right? no contact with OM??), it's an excellent oppurtunity to Plan A like crazy... meet her EN's, learn to avoid LB's, and give this much time and patience.

You got some answers to some questions... now don't bring up the A or the OM for a while, k? Love her - tell her you love her - and demonstrate the best YOU you can be. And leave out the relationship talk for a while. Take care of YOU - improve yourself - become the best man you can - and she will notice, and hopefully fall totally in love with you.

Hang in there... keep reading... helping others when you can, and posting questions!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

City,

Your W sounds like mine and I have been dealing with this since November 2000. To give you some perspective, It's gonna be a rough ride , so you better strap yourself in and (I know this is hard) try not to take everything she says personally. They all say the exact same things your W is saying, ( if they could only see how ridiculously unoriginal all of this is perhaps they would wake up... but they don't) . The one thing you have going for you that I don't is that at least she is talking to you. My best advise, Listen without judgement, look at yourself and try to work a solid Plan A ( not for her, but for you) and be patient, and in a firm but non confrontational manner insist that there be NO MORE CONTACT, NEVER , EVER. She need to know that continues contact will hurt your love for her and will ruin any possibility of reconciling. Be prepared for a battle on this point, but don't take the bait, just reaffirm how much that hurts you, and any chance you two may have. One other thing, You don't deserve this and it's Ok to be angry about it, but come here to vent, because it won't help to release that anger to her.

Thanks,
Can't talk right now but I wanted to say thanks for the support. I'll be back tonight and let you know what has happen over the last few days.

CD

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Ok mark, Your a bigger man than I. I don't think I could hang out in limbo like this for more than a year. As it is now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing by trying to hold on. I do love her and care about her, but I don't want her to stay with me because of pity. I went to my family reunion last week with my 2 D and had a good time. The W called a couple of times to see how we were doing, and said she was enjoying her time alone. When I got home I told her I missed her and asked if she missed me. Her reply was straightforward and almost COLD.
The next day I called her and she was asking how long I was going to be gone when I leave for my next deployment. I told her just a month, and that I didn't want to be gone more than that. She was a little upset so I told her I needed to talk to her. I was ready to tell her that if she didn't want to work on our marriage I wanted out! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
We met and she was calm and understanding, but I couldn't tell her that. What I feel inside is real and I still care about her. She said nothing has changed for her. She still wants time apart to see if she misses me. And wants me to have time to think and know if I can let what she did....go. She doesn't want to live a life where I would bring up her A and use it against her. I told her I may not be able to forget it but I can forgive it. She doesn't want to talk to a counselor or even read any books that might help her understand why she feels like she does. She is trying to go at it on her own.

Faith1, she said she hasn't seen or heard from this guy for 6 months, but as he is a minor league player she looks up his teams web site all the time to see what’s going on. She has turned to the psychics for help. I tell her all the time I love her and care about her, she just tells me she doesn't deserve me.
OHHH.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I didn't mention, she has started a new business and her catalog has just finished printing. She has started a women’s Lingerie business. I have tried to support her and encourage her on her new adventure. It looks great. Her web site is www.naysla.com

Anyway, she left today to go and pick up her product. But last night was so nice. I went to bed and kept to myself because she has told me she feels violated by me touching her. All I have done is tickle her back and hug her. She feels like she has to let me because we are married. I do it so she knows I care! But last night as I lay in bed, she rolled over and hugged me and gave me a kiss. This just confuses me more, because she said she still wanted to see this kid again. Not that she wanted a relationship, but want him to see her looking all good. But won't work on us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> She wants to fall in love with me again but not because she has to but because we are meant to be. How can she fall in love with me if we don't see each other.