As many of you know, my M has been in a bumpy recovery for about 10 months.
Now I am in a jam, due to the detachment I had to excercise in order to keep my sanity and help my xWH heal.
While we were away in AL for the 4th festivities, my detachment was set on hold, I was busy and he was very busy reading books instead of paying attention to me, or even being helpful.
That somehow made me mad, but I didn't say anything and forgot about asking for his help unless it was really necessary.
We had our nice moments through the vacation, but still something was bothering me and I couldn't quite pinpoint it.
Once we were back home, I had this feeling of emptiness and withdrawal. I feel I don't belong where I am, I feel as if I was a stranger to myself, I cannot quite explain, and it is really alienating.
I see myself in the past and I long for that girl I was. I see myself now, and all I can think of to describe me is... "empty".
I am not sad, I am not happy, I am not nothing, I am... ambivalent.
My state of mind is... "Blah"
My xWH talks to me, and tries to be interesting, and I find myself trying to make him zip it, because... he is boring, no, really, he IS boring. All he talks about are things that don't interest me in the slightest, all I hear when he talks is "Blah blah blah... boring blah blah blah".
It has reached a point in which I just get lost on my thoughts about drawing, painting or music and when he asks me what I think I say "I am sorry, I stopped paying attention to you an hour ago".
I cannot even remember what he was talking about or what he has talked about for the last week.
I rather him being quiet and holding me than holding me and jabbering. I love him dearly, but gosh is he boring.
When he finally manages to engage me in conversation it is because it is something that really worries him or stresses him, then we solve it and he goes back to tell me something about how he misses the quality of flipflops that were made back in the 70's.
Don't get me wrong, he's gotten much better, but sometimes I can't help but wonder... what is this man talking about, and why am I even listening to him???
I try to be respectful and sweet when he starts to go on about whatever goes through his mind, and I can say it is MY problem, because I do that to other people. I am impatient and have an attention deficit disorder when I am not under stress. I just tune out, and start picturing nice scenes of nature, or composing something similar to music videos to tunes on my head, and sometimes it is very engaging! It is as if I had an eternal TV set on my brain, I black out and just go off to watch whatever is on.
My feelings of love and passion have been long gone. They are there somewhere, buried in between the fear of getting hurt, and the knowledge that my H is someone I really didn't know, or wouldn't have liked.
There are holes in the whole ending of the A ordeal. He cannot remember AT ALL what was the last thing they talked about, what did they say or anything. He knows that at one point he told her he would always love her as his friend, and that they would be friends forever, to which she did some smarta$$ remark. But he says that is not the last conversation they had.
In a start he told me they said something to the effect of "We won't talk ever again because my W is moving in tomorrow". Then he changed it to "we might have hinted something like it", and then he finally changed it to his favourite "Don't know, don't remember, don't care" answer.
I have tried to make him understand that is the last hole I need filled, does he care? I don't know, does he even try to remember? I really am not sure.
Sometimes I feel all alone, I feel abandoned and stripped of all of my honour, worth and pride. I feel ashamed of myself, as a wife, as a girlfriend, as a partner. I feel he shamed me and he didn't care untill there was nothing left for him to fix it.
I think he waited untill he knew that the chance to make things right by comfronting others was gone. He admits he thinks that is what he didn, because he didn't feel like deffending me, because, using his words he was "an [censored]".
Now, I ask him, what does that mean, does it mean he didn't love me?
He says "No, on my own sick way I loved you"
So I ask, does it mean I wasn't important to him?
He answers "No, he was just an [censored]"
OK maybe my understanding of the word A-hole is very limited, and it really has some "deep" meaning I cannot get appart from jerk. Maybe I am just asking for too much and I should be content.
Maybe I should just blow my brains off and never have to worry about wondering about things that don't seem important to anybody but me.
I cannot start loving this man completely ever again unless he tells me this things.
Our recovery is stuck and I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
I have asked on every way, format, enviroment I have been able to come up with.
If we talk about it in the sitting room, he is uncomfortable, so lets drop it or dance around it. If we talk about it in the bedroom, he is sleepy and the neighbours could hear us, so the same. If we talk about it in a restaurant, it is too public, too crowded, too empty to feel comfortable. If we talk about it in the car, it is too upsetting and he doesn't want to get in an accident.
When he says he is trying to remember he gets quiet and I just wait, and wait and wait, then an hour later I ask if he has anything yet, and he answers something between the lines of:
"I was thinking of this switches that the planes have and how they would make nice switches of a tv, then I started thinking of frogs and why do they leap..."
I sigh, turn around and cry, and then he wonders what is wrong.
Our SF is difficult too, I initiate it all the time, and feel like he is really really lazy about it. I can go to extremes to make him like it, and all he'd do is sit back, enjoy and then go about his business. And then sometimes if he tries to do anything for me I get this triggers and I feel nauseous and sick when he even tries to touch me so I stop and he feels hurt, so I let him do whatever but i don't enjoy it.
My M is becoming such chore it scares me.
Sometimes I want to drop everything, and cry, lay down and die.
I don't know what to do, he tries to pick up his load, but he keeps dropping stuff on his way, breaking things, and hurting me.
*sobs*
I want to have the puzzle done, for once and for all, I want to know what happened in the end, and I cannot swallow that he cannot remember, have heard that too much and it has turned to be a lie too many times.
Any WS, BS, anybody with any input of what is on his head??? He cannot put it into words, all he says is that he is sorry and he wishes he could help me, I tell him how to help me, I fetch him the tools, and he just stands there as if I was talking in chinese of something.
HELP!!!!
