To any who may remember me: It has been about 6 weeks or so since I've been on the boards. I have met with a divorce lawyer and have gone so far as to serve my WH with divorce papers. Not exactly the Plan B I'd hoped for, but definitely the wake-up call my S needed to realize that I knew about his extra-marital activities and that I had had enough.

The funny thing is that I only went this far because I really was emotionally ready to imagine life without him. I could have done it. I informed my kids, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. They cried and cried. Not just to imagine that we could D but also to realize that dad had acted this way.

The end result, after many fairly calm discussions, was that we will enter intensive marital counseling, something we've never done. It is a start. I am not optimistic, but cautiously hopeful. I understand the magnitude of our problems and fear WH does not. He tends to minimize what he has done. And I want none of that.

My question for the board is this: I can't imagine physical intimacy with my H for many months because of the serious risk of STD's. I don't particularly desire intimacy anyways, because of the pain of betrayal. I do miss the affection. I just wonder how we can ever move forward, how I can fill his needs for SF when I can't risk my health.

Any advice on this anyone?

Thanks.

Good question...will he agree to be tested for stds? Also, I know I wouldn't be able to be sexually involved right off the bat. Things must begin slowly...just like they should whenever you first start a relationship.

Tested once about a year ago and so far all is ok. But I know that some illnesses take a long time to incubate (like AIDS). So I really wonder how anyone can resume physical intimacy with a spouse who has been involved extra-maritally. And if you can't, not only for physical reasons but also for huge emotional detachment reasons, how can you ever fulfill SF needs and bring about the closeness and intimacy that comes from being together?

I really don't see a way forward.

AGAIG: I'm going to give you the answer that we all hate (?) to hear..... give it time. I will not try to bribe you with the saying "time heals all wounds", b/c that's b.s. IMO ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). However, from personal experience having been in recovery for over one year now, it does get better. Now is the time to work on POJAing the SF vs. Intimacy issue.

For myself, I had at least 4 or 5 months where I couldn't get the image of OW#1 out of my mind during intimacy with my FWH. That's a common ailment in recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> However, it's not as bad if you don't know what the OP looks like (again I speak from experiece, b/c I don't know what OW#2 or OW#3 look like).

Since you're just starting your recovery (we hope! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), you'll have a few months of new adjustments to make. The start of which include weeks (if not months) of that 'walking on eggshells' feeling. As the trust is rebuilt, the 'walking on eggshells' feeling diminishes greatly.

My advice to you, is to review what it takes to avoid LB's.... and use that as your method to talk to your H. It's hard! But it's worth it too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I agree with asking your H to have another STD test done. If he is willing to work on your M enough, then it shouldn't be a problem. And don't forget that you could always use condoms too. Yes, I know, they don't protect from all possible STD's... but they could be enough to ease your apprehensiveness.

Either way, although you sound tired of this situation right now, IMO, this is one of the most crucial times to use what you've learned from MB and put it to use in your early recovery.

Take care,
Karen

Thanks alot for the advice, Karen. I was sure this is an issue everyone faces at some point. I will review the POJA and LB issues. I guess one of the crucial concerns I have is this: If I don't fulfill H's SF, then might he not go elsewhere? The whole trust issue rears its ugly head again. And quite frankly I don't want to fulfill H's SF right now anyways. Furthest thing from my mind. But nature being what it is, I know it's a reality I can't run from, and I just want to deal with it the best way for the long term outcome I desire: a great marriage built on trust! Thanks again for the input.

Dear Asgoodasitgets:

I wish I had my SAA book handy (lent it out to a friend over a year ago), because there is a really good chapter regarding BS reluctance to fulfill WS's need for SF.

If memory serves me correctly, once Recovery is in progress, Dr. Harley STRONGLY encourages the BS to meet the WS's need for SF-- while also encouraging the WS to meet the BS's most important ENs (kinda like a "trade-off: you do this for me, and I'll do this for you). He does a good job explaining how it will seem awkward at first, but that as needs are being met (shared by both partners) that with time it will once again become enjoyable for both spouses.

Please consider buying the SAA book (or borrowing from the library!)...as the chapters on Marital Recovery are worth every penny spent.

BTW, I also recommend re-testing for STDs (both you and H), as well as using condoms until you both get a clean bill of health!

And, speaking from experience, it did become MUCH, much easier to enjoy sex with my H as time progressed. I can actually remember gritting my teeth and almost hating to have to "give myself" to someone who could disrespect me so badly. Luckily, for me, I was able to relax and just enjoy the sex for sex (without it having to be a "loving" expression-- kinda like giving myself permission to just "use" my H). I know this sounds rather odd-- but, hey, it worked for me until I was able to get those loving feelings back.

Best of luck to you both! Peace, ~Marie

Thanks so much Marie for pointing me in a helpful direction with the SAA book. I also appreciate your personal experience and insights. I feel bitterly disappointed that I have to give at a time when I feel so cheated, but I can see that it must be so. I will have to deal with it the best I can and hope that the tender feelings will return. I will, of course, take your advice on the medical issues. I really do worry about some of that.

Thanks again and take care.