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#1014035 07/09/02 10:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 116
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If anyone's followed my story, affair has ended for H. Near as I can tell, and I believe him.

OW ended it, and it happened in a kind of a nasty way. Either she or her common law husband broke into H's apt and hacked his email. Per H, she was afraid that my H would leave her for me.

OK... so now where do I go? I'm trying to Plan A as best as I can, giving him the space he wants. He's actually been pretty nice so far, but anxiety rules me. There was a lot of background problems in this... OW was manipulative, H doesn't understand or believe that. I had gotten many "anonymous" email messages from her that were odd or pornographic before I learned about the A. She was ballsy enough to call him here while he was still home. She gathered some phone numbers that I use at my place of employment and left some voice mails with folks I work with attempting to sell some "web design" services. They'd call back and she'd get their direct dial ID on her caller ID and then complain to my H that I was calling her!! He lied to me through his teeth while he was still home. He did a lot to protect that affair and keep this marriage together. Oy vey... it was a mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He bawled when he confessed and thought it best to separate. I was so anxious when we separated, I freaked out. Many other problems in the way... financial, house, kids, legal.

Saw H today at lunch because of settlement from our house refinancing. He graciously gave me a large chunk of the settlement, and I sat here thinking as I paid off some bills. He stuck to his agreement about the portion he was going to give me. He gave me NO problem about how to get it to my bank (I can't deposit checks made out jointly because it is a credit union account in my name only... not my rule, but the credit union's), so he got me a certified cashiers check by the close of business today (wow! he always complained about "rules" and doing things by someone else's deadlines throughout all of this). And, he did all of this WITHOUT prompting, even emailing me ahead of time to say he went to the house and dropped off a certified cashier's check ffor my portion on my desk. I really thanked him sincerely for that with an email. (Was afraid to call.)

When we met for lunch, I was polite but probably cold and nervous. I'm always afraid that he's going to lie to me, rub his affair in my face, or say something to really hurt me. But, he drove up wearing gal pal jewelery. I looked at him and asked "she back in your life?" He said no. Asked him about the necklace. He immediately took it off, no complaints, no yelling, no NOTHING! He didn't seem terribly happy about it, commented that he liked it, but still did it.

We talked a bit during lunch about the money and about the legal problems involved around our D's auto accident. He actually looked at me in the eye for a very long time... stared actually. I couldn't bring myself to be affectionate, and he was the one who offered to hug me when we left the fast food joint. I actually reminded him that I still loved him. Probably a huge LB, but couldn't help it.

He said something to the effect that "told you that it wouldn't be comfortable afterwards..." meaning that we couldn't work it out. I just told him I thought that it wouldn't be for a bit yet.

He even admitted he talked to one of his siblings and his parents. Commented to me that his mom told him change was good. Don't know why he said that, but taking it at least as a small good sign.

Now, he really seems hesitant (understandly) to even attempt to work on this marriage. I told him today, that despite all of the problems between us, I did not want him to come back because of money or house. (Kids I didn't mention because I do think they should be at least a part of why he might consider reconciling this marriage... even if they are teenagers... he and they were always close. And he said over weekend it was time for him to starting to repair things with them.) I want him to work on this marriage because he feels there's potential to have a good life here with me. Not because he feels trapped, bound by money (financial stuff is usually always solvable in my view), being ordered to by me ("yes mam" and "mother" comments got to me), but because he truly thinks there's a possibility to build a solid, new, creative, and loving marriage together--without an affair. This was the first and only time he really blew it in this marriage, even though it was a long and rough time (at least a year, maybe more).

Can anyone give me any insight on how to really maintain a Plan A in this situation. We're separated, he's extremely hesitant about even thinking about this marriage, and I don't want to push too hard. I even sent him a quick note this afternoon thanking him for lunch with a Luther Vandross quote that explained to him how I felt.

Haven't communicated with him since email this afternoon. He has not sworn off of OW yet, but I don't want to push it. I don't think he's pursuing her... I asked when he told me it was over if he was, he said no. And I asked him whether he was planning divorce, he said he has not plans for anything right now except get up and go to work. Do it yourself divorce kit still there as far as I know, not touched. I admitted to him today that I don't want to change our status right now. I don't have money to pursue divorce and I really don't care to right now. I told him that I didn't want to, to take things a day at a time right now in order to just solve a few problems that I have on my end.

So, what should I do next to encourage him without being pushy? Ideas? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He and I have dinner planned for Thurs. night. Originally, the plan was so he could discuss somethings with me so that I "could get on with my life" -- this was said the day after he told me it was over.

I don't interpret these turns of events as major miracles. But, any suggestions or insights on how to keep the momentum going.

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: bluekeys ]</small>

#1014036 07/09/02 11:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,225
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Dear bluekeys:

Schmooze him (if he'll allow it and you're up to it)...

...tell him how jealous you are of OW (if able/appropriate)-- that you want to be his one and only. That you want to be the one to make him smile in the morning. That you desire to be his first thought in the AM and his last thought in the PM.

...ask him if he'd be willing to 'date' you while you remain separated.

...ask him if he would be open to just being best friends (e-mail buddies, lunch buddies?).

...tell him that you want him to feel safe with you. And, that you are willing to help him feel safe around you.

Of course, all of this will ONLY work if you HONESTLY want this for yourself and your marriage... and, it's not without RISK of being turned away...BUT, if it's what you want, I think it needs to be said.

I know that my H was incredibly flattered to REALIZE that I wanted him-- to realize that I WANTED to be "his girl". For some crazy reason, prior to A, H thought that I just didn't care for him anymore-- he didn't realize that I was, had always been, head-over-heels in love with him. My intial reaction to his A (deep pain, depression, agony), shocked him into realizing that I CARED so MUCH MORE DEEPLY than he ever gave me credit for-- we further realized, with the help of this website, that we each communicated/showed our love to each other in ways that were not appreciated/acknowledged by the other; thus, my H's reasoning that I was no longer in-love with him <sigh!>.

Perception is a SCARY thing-- how your H perceives you and your committment to him/marriage may be way off-base... he may think that you don't care about him/marriage.

Take the opportunity to set him straight...make sure he hears you-- that you want to fight for the marriage and the chance to regain intimacy, love, and respect for each other. That you BELIEVE IN RECOVERY.

Sure, you may get turned down <sigh>. But, we all know that the biggest RISK is to NOT TRY.

Best of luck to you both! Peace, ~Marie

#1014037 07/09/02 11:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,236
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bluekeys,

Sounds like a little fog maybe lifting, don't get your hopes up though, be very cautious.

This is my personal take on things as I look back over the last year and half...........I feel now that I probably pushed husband further away by being cold and distance, he wanted to stay chummy and friendly and I just couldn't do that, this person had told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, I was hurt, so I pushed.

So look and see how you are handling each situation with WH, I believe that I could of been warmer.

I would make sure that I look my best on Thursday night and avoid LB's at all cost, be friendly, be warm and be sincere.

Just my 2 cents for you this evening.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1014038 07/10/02 08:47 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 116
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Dawn and Marie:

Thanks for the replies. I really do want to make this M work, but am pretty hesitant and so is he. After what passed between us, it's a rough road ahead. Honestly, I lost a lot of self-confidence during all of it... and never before this had I lacked self-confidence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Think I'm just going to nuture myself tonight... but not going to go overboard for anything I might buy new for dinner tomorrow night. Afraid that if I come on too strong, he'll back off and I'll end up frustrated with myself again. I think he's still somewhat foggy given all that's happened in the last week or so.

Wish me well here... if any other W has gone through a MLC A with their spouse, please chime in here with your suggestions and comments.

Favorite quote of mine: Music is the medium, passion is the message. Herbie Hancock. Like to be able to get that groove thing going in this marriage again, and I think that was a serious problem in this M the last several years... kids, house, money, and then there was my job, my studies (I'm a student on top of all of this!), my travel for work... somehow I think he really got lost in a lot of that and felt I didn't give two rat's tails about him except as a "slave" to take care of things while I was off elsewhere. (Not true, but life did carry me away quite a bit, too.) Need to find a way to tell him and let him know he's supported, wanted, and definitely loved/cared for in this M and our family.

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: bluekeys ]</small>


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