I still feel like a newbie. I've been around on this website for 9 mos. D-Day was 8-23-01 and it has already started. Just when you think you've been told everything, ooops! My WW just told me that the reason she had back to back affairs, "no pun intended" was to get back at me. WHAT? She said I was'nt around enough so she would get back at me. This whole thing is to confusing for me. I plan on talking some more to her to try and have her explain this to me some more, but not only did this news shock me it also raised the dead and is setting us way back fast! I can believe it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I may be way off base here - not knowing your story - I'll take a stab here...

My ex told me something similar. When I was expressing the pain and shock I felt when he walked away without giving us a chance at all.. without any warning... without telling me he was unhappy... he said he felt like he was "making his own decision for a CHANGE!" and felt like I deserved it.

These things they tell us are hurtful, and some of it is "fog" (justification for their poor decision to have an A)... but sometimes they are trying to tell us something - really trying to express their needs. What could your W be *really* telling you? You don't have to answer that here... but dig deep and figure out why she's so angry and vengeful. Did you ask her, "What are getting back at me for?" If you can try to understand her perspective, and what she's so hurt and angry about, it MAY be something you need to work on. Major LB's... or major EN's you weren't filling.

If she says you "weren't around enough" - do you understand what she means? Does she mean you didn't show enough affection? Conversation? Openness? Or were you not around physically (working too much, fishing with the guys, etc).

It's painful, humbling, but may be the key to a better you, and a better marriage.

My WH said the same thing. Because I was neglecting him because I was overwhelmed with children, housework, working full time and helping my LD son. He said he did it to get even. He even went after a person that I hated. With every boo boo I made, in his own unrational mind he was justifying his horrid actions. Unknowing leaving on the light could set him off enough to head back to the affair.

Now he is in too deep and what was meant to be an eye opener for me has turned into a OW who left her H and K's. Given up everything to marry WH. The only problem is he does not want her but feels obligated for ruining her life. She deserves it, she's a big girl.

By not ending it though, he is driving me and the children away

Faith1,

Thanks for stopping and taking the time to help me. I hope to talk to my wife more tonite, but it seems like it is just stirring everything up again. I did see her for lunch and I popped the question, she just said I was working to much and not around enough. I'm still working on restoring my trust, now I have this to deal with. She also said the whole time this affair was starting right up to the last day she not only knew it was wrong but it would also ruin the marriage,but still did it. And to this day she can not explain way she still did it and then had a 2nd affair in less than 2 mos. I could go on but I'll let you read my old post and see what you think. I still have allot of unanswered questions from all of this mess.

Here is a copy of my first post. This way you can some kind of understanding of my live and how I might feel.

Hello everyone, time to talk, I’ve waited long enough. My D-Day was June 23, 2001. I have a pretty complicated situation. My W had two EMR, of which the first one lasted approx. 45 days and ended up in her submitting to intercourse on the last day, she claims? Two wks later the OM calls her and asks her to move in w/ him and bring the kids. The second EMR started only one month after the first and lasted approx. the same. I was suspicious of the second OM, but had no clue as to the first OM. Both EMR surfaced on different occasions after my 13 yr old son introduced his friends’ fathers to my W. This has all been an utter nightmare for me; I was totally unprepared for the truth. These are the reasons I’m here w/ MB members, seeking wisdom, guidance, and understanding. I came across the MB web site approx. one month ago. My W and I have both read BC, some of the Q/A, and I’m trying hard to apply the POJA and now we have been both monitoring the topic/replies of Wounded Heart’s; “wife’s one time mistake”. My W and I can both relate to this topic a lot and then some. I believe my W and I are both in the acceptance/recovery stage, but I have two huge heart exit wounds and it feels like I’m on a roller coaster ride from hell! It hurts me to even continue w/ this Quest, but I must!
This is my 2nd Marriage and my W’s 1st. I was married to my 1st W for 12yrs 3mos and it will be 16 yrs for no. 2 W on march 31, 2002. I have 3 children form my 1st and 4 from my 2nd.
Here it goes? My D-Day was also The Longest Day of my life it seemed and now after 4 very emotional months I feel my W is still being dishonest. Because before D-Day she denied the second EMR from 10-00 to 06-01, of which time she disclosed the first EMR. This was the shocker that shattered my heart and left a hole in my soul so big, I felt like I honestly needed a Doctor. She held this all in for 10 month, it was my 13 yr old son that had to tell me everything. He said he could not live with it anymore because he seen his mother involved in both EMRs. So when I was focusing all the time on her 2nd EMR, she had already had an EMR no. 1. I’ve never felt so hurt and used in all of my life, I felt I had to find a place to hide from everyone, even myself. She claims that the 1st EMR was brought on when she was introduced to him through our 13yr. My claims she was in a state of low self-esteem and that all this OM had to say is “you sure are a fine looking lady” and the fireworks began, Up until this same M came to our home, I was away at work and he force my W to submit to intercourse. 30 days later she meets AM, her 2nd EMR and starts up with him, and lasts approx. 45 days. She also met this M through my son. I just don’t get it, how could my W do this?? I know she is very sorry, but that’s not working w/ me, my trust is SHOT! I literally feel like I was a sitting duck and didn’t know it. We have both been in plan A for about 3 wks, but before that we were in hell on earth! I believe this should give someone an idea of our situation? I’m new w? MBs so everyone please bare with me. HELP!!!

Hi Rocky,
Sounds like your present W has a big Emotional Need for Admiration. Have you guys filled out the EN questionnaire? If not, you really should do that together. It's very sad that your children are caught in the middle of your W's antics, but good that you found out. It does sound to me like your W might still be withholding information, but since she is willing to stay and showing remorse, and study the MB concepts with you, you can rebuild your love.

Hang in there. You have probably read Surviving An Affair by now, if not, you should. But definitely focus on Plan A as you have been doing and remember the affair was not your fault, it was her decision. Now that you have found MB, you can both work on rebuilding. There is also a good article that might help you in Q&A section on how to overcome resentment. That might really help you, that plus your wife being willing to be completely honest so you can move past the lies. Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />