First off, I must say that my trip was awesome... I'll post some more details when I get some time, but that's not right now...

And that's where some of my current problems begin... it was almost "too good"... being so far away, feeling free of my problems, etc. - it was intoxicating. Which drives me to want to move away all the more...

Then I talked to Steve this AM... and he helped ground me a bit... moving away might be great if WW and I agreed where, etc. - but it's probably premature until I'm really "done"... and so I need to figure out what being "done" means to me.

And he pointed out how my trip has certainly given me motivation to leave, but it's based on emotion right now - and it's best to make decisions with some logic in the picture.

And we talked quite a bit about where I am. He realizes I'm really running out of steam here... I talked about how I'm young, childless, can move on more easily than many. He was also asking me about who I'm hanging out with - any women?? Answer: no.

He actually suggested I start doing legal "research" now (talking to lawyers, etc.), as a way to silence my Taker a bit... buying some more time. And if we move ahead with Dv, I can have some opinions on the ramifications of living in a different country, etc.

I just don't know... my mind and heart are really, really, really changing on this lately... it's one of those "you'll just know" things starting to happen.

At the same time... WW was cat sitting for me while I was away. She had run of my place and stumbled across a card I had written down some info on... she interpreted it as my looking for a job in Victoria... which is somewhat true - I'm starting to be interested, but certainly not serious today. Anyhow, my "sources" tell me that she's taken that news hard... she actually tried to call me on my cell while I was gone, and left me a bunch of food for my return. But she's also angry - and feeling pressure to make a decision. And yet at the same time, she wants me to tell her about these things - wants to "connect" with me, yet is unwilling to truly appreciate, understand and accept what I've been saying all along: that I want that too, but now only if OM is out. And now it's getting close to being "too late."

I sent IC/MC an e-mail this morning that pretty much sums up where I'm at right now...

"I realize that the euphoria of being away from this all for a while is based on emotion, and it’s a bad idea to make decisions strictly on emotion. But my stated position is still true: I will be moving back to Canada, sometime. But I need to put first things first, and that means being sure I’m truly “done” before doing that.

So for me right now, that’s the last, final stage of this… deciding what being “done” means to me and knowing I’m there.

I realize I’m close. I told you before "end of the year" - I was wrong. Right now, I doubt WW appreciates how close we are to “the end” – my position of my last letters is still valid, but there has been a distinct change in my attitude as of late. Yet if I try to tell her this, it would only seem like a threat. But maybe a fireside chat is overdue – we can discuss on Saturday.

Sadly, if I were to make a prediction, it would be this… I stick it out for another couple of months, detaching with love, working on my own recovery process. But soon I will truly realize I’m “done” – and when that becomes clear to WW, and her need to “make a decision” goes away – and all the pressure and cloudy thinking surrounding it starts to fade – that she might very well change her mind, based on rational thought and a change in feelings (especially once her entire future comes into sharper focus)… but by then I’ll be “done.” It seems to work out that way a lot, from what I see… pretty sad, really.

Oh well, I can only control my own recovery, not hers. I’ve lost sight of that in many ways. I’ve allowed her to make me believe that I’m somehow continually at fault for an environment that we’re both a part of.

I think I can keep myself going, possibly by starting to talk to some lawyers. That might calm my Taker down a bit, for now, knowing that I’m doing something to move forward.

Anyhow, I thought I’d qualify my last message, because it must have seemed that I was drunk on happiness (and relief)... and maybe I was… it’s hard for me to ignore."

Glad you had a great trip! I, too, am a die hard west coaster...live in Victoria! Have travelled all over the world, can't imagine living anywhere else! 'Nuff of that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You do sound exhausted and yet somewhat calm. Just having a plan, whether or not you carry it through is a good idea. It gives you sense of control in the craziness. Good for you! Don't rush into anything and take care of yourself! There will be closure to all this, hang in there!

JR,

Let me see, you have a glimpse of a life without pain and worry. A life where you finally focus on the things YOU want to do. And you think this looks pretty good. I agree. You are healing my friend and you are right the time is close when you really won't care if she stays or goes.

I would be inclined to talk with W, and reassure that she is under NO PRESSURE. This is no longer about HER. It is really only about how much more you are willing to endure, and when your are done enduring, you will leave. You now know you can handle it. Life is looking better and you have tenative plans for your life. Whether she is in them or not, life will be good.

I would inform her, that she has choices, and you have choices and so far you have deferred to her, but that is going to change, when you are done. Beyond that there really isn't anything to talk to her about.

I don't think you need to mention OM, her choice of OM, her affair or anything. THe above statements or something like them will undoubtedly make your point clear. It is the classic, "the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference" thing coming up. You will know when you are done. When you are, move on.

I am not from Canada, but living in Victoria would be one of my choices if I had one. It is a spectacular place.

I think SH is guiding you correctly with regard to how you feel right now, but one of the effects of this method is you are prepared to recover the marriage or move on knowing you have given you best effort. No shame in either result.

So hang in there, be calm, be honest with her, and most of all be honest with yourself. You will know when it is time.

God Bless,

JL

Boy, JR, this sounds sooo familiar... I have been feeling a lot of the same way since I have been back from my trip... I don't expect to feel this way all the time, because I think there will still be ups and downs, but in many ways my heart is also changing...

I think Steve's advice is good... since I have such a good job here I plan to hang around for at least the next six months... but if the D goes through and the fog is still thick, who knows? However, I also realize by the time the fog rolls out, if it ever does, I may no longer be interested. I agree, it is sad... but only time will tell.

Okay, have a couple of minutes... I don't provide these details to make people jealous - just to encourage everyone in pain to get themselves out of it, BY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!!! I had FUN! I talked to people! I didn't feel lonely! Okay? Here's a sample:

Friday, I got into Victoria fairly late, so I decided to wimp out and stay in a hotel. Turned out to be a good idea, since it gave me time to have supper at Earl's downtown – 17 oz steak, couple of glasses of Mission Hill Chardonnay, and a lemon pie with berries. (Carb loading for later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) As I ate, I caught some Roughrider highlights on TV - beating Calgary nonetheless! - and I felt SO good! (And I had a few good conversations with folks – being alone, map in my hand... I was a curiosity, I suppose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Saturday, drove out to Juan De Fuca Provincial Park and set up my tent in the morning, then drove back to Victoria to check out the sights… in the evening, had supper at Boston Pizza – lasagna with a pint of Labatt Blue. Made my way back to the camp site and did a short hike down the Juan De Fuca Marine Trail, starting from the China Beach side… only went maybe 4 km, return. Still, I was tired enough to sleep well, despite the hard ground (usually I’d have foam underlay, but that’s with a car packed full of camping stuff – I had to carry everything I took on my back!).

Sunday, woke up early, jumped in the car and started driving up towards Pacific Rim National Park Reserve. From Juan De Fuca, that’s about a 4.5 hour drive, but through some of the most spectacular scenery around… so I didn’t mind. Got there a little after noon, went into my stash of power bars and other goodies for lunch… did a couple of hikes, walked along Long Beach for what seemed miles and miles. In the early evening, I stopped for supper at the classy restaurant in Wickaninnish, right on Long Beach. Had pepper encrusted halibut, a glass of Oakridge Cabernet and a cheese cake torte. By this time, it was too late to expect to get back to my camp site, so I just drove until I got a little sleepy, then stayed in a motel again. (It was nice to shower in the morning! It was also good timing because it had rained a lot at the camp site that night.)

Monday, I finished off the drive back to camp. After a quick change of clothes, I continued driving up #14 towards Port Renfrew – which is at the other far end of the Juan De Fuca Marine Trail, 47 km away. Then for most of the afternoon, I hiked the moderately difficult trail, totaling about 18 km, return, through places with names like “Botanical Beach” and “Botany Bay.” I turned around at a hike-in camp site next to a waterfall – the entire thing was spectacular. Afterwards, I stopped at a pub in Port Renfrew and had myself a salad, a big Lighthouse burger, fries, and a pint of some amber ale (forget the brand now) – went down very quickly! I made my way back to camp and crashed.

Tuesday was a long commute day… got up early, brought the car back to the Victoria airport, cabbed to the ferry terminal, boated back across to Port Angeles, took another cab to the airport there, and then 2 airplanes later, I was “home.”

Now, I’ve never taken a trip like this by myself before… and I’m telling you all… it was a tremendous experience! All I can say is WW or no WW, or some new W, I don’t care – I’ve got to look after myself by doing things like this more often. It really helped me process a lot more than I would have sitting in my place back “home.” And I relaxed… it felt like the first time I’d truly done that in nearly a year. I’ve really started to “get it” – about this whole “letting go” thing – and I realize – not just in my mind, but my heart – that I’m going to be okay.

mgm, yeah I love Vancouver Island... last time I was there was a camping trip with WW about 5 years ago now... we drove a LONG ways in a rickety old car - but it was fun.

JG, good to hear that you're getting a better feeling inside yourself... a positive attitude can be infectous!

JL, yes, right on, I hear you. I think that those with good attitudes have good things happen to them. It's been hard - and I'm not going to feel great every day - but I've got a lot more "vision" for the future now.

Double-posted...

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: J.R. ]</small>

Good stuff, J.R., good stuff.

JR,

Positive report with progress. Yours and that is what is important. You taught us all that we can regain our happiness. We were not born knowing your mates so we can be happy even without them.

I certainly would not wish my H to mope if something happened to me. So we must also be able to do the same.

Keep moving forward JR. If your W is smart she will start hiking up the marriage trail real fast. Sounds like you'll be takin a trip like this again. Sounds like fun!!!!

Also sounds like you are getting to the acceptance stage. A good place to be.

take care,
L.

WOW! Sounds like an awesome adventure!

I can totally understand you feeling great! But realize why you feel such a high right now. You came from a long spell of being treated like crap and giving all you possibly had to give with nothing coming back in return. That's good ol Plan A. When I seperated from my hubby I had very much of the same high for a while. When I left I felt unappreciated, used and totally unseen. So yea, you leave and experience some real independance and VOILA...you feel on top of the world! Many times I absolutely KNEW I could live without my marriage.

One of my HUGE worries when I reached back out to hubby to try again was that he would have forgotten how things were when I was good to him, when our marriage was good. I had treated him like crap for long enough I thought those memories might have replaced the others. Just take some time to remember there once was someone inside your wife that you fell in love with. She's still in there and will hopefully come out to play again one day.

So yes...there will probably come a time when you may have to decide to move on...just make sure it's not while you're in one of these "highs".

Know what I mean Vern?