My WH moved out May 1 of this year and I have been plan Aing since June without any major LBs at all if any. He is living with his mother and I'm assuming still involved in his affair. I don't ask anymore.

Anyway, lately he has been inviting me to spend time with him and the kids and even been affectionate. His usual unenthusiastic "I love you" in response to mine has turned into a response with more emotion/feeling. He is initiating affectionate touching/kissing.

Could he be coming out of the fog????

He seems confused as to what to do. Today he told me he had wanted the divorce, but now he isn't sure--especially after he sees me. But he still wants his own checking account, his own credit card --all of which I will not have any access to view the accounts. When he mentioned this it caught me off guard, as I felt he was moving toward me, not away. I freaked out in my mind. I told him I was hurt and it felt like he was still building this new life without me. I told him I was sorry for jumping to conclusions about his reactions. I told him to do what he feels is right. He said that having another checking account isn't bad.

He knows a bit about my attempts to improve myself and practice the MB philosophies. When he mentioned this, I told I was improving myself and hopefully he would benefit from this, but irregardless my kids would and if he chose to divorce then someone else who wants to love would benefit. That ticked him off. I reminded him I still love him, I don't want a divorce, I don't want to go back to the way it was, and I wanted him to have time to think about it all. I also, (possible LB here) reminded him that he DOES have someone else. He just rolled his eyes disgustingly and said "that's not anything!"

He wants to talk later today, but I am afraid to do so right now as I haven't talked with Jenn yet. I "see" her on Monday. Help me!! If he is coming out of the fog, what am I to do? I am so afraid of LBing....I want the fog to continue to drift away if that is what is happening. HOw do I do this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear Brokenhearted-
I believe you must stand firm about the joint checking account and joint credit cards. This is a battle I have fought the whole of my married life with my H, and lost - he retained full control over all of our finances through his own checking account and has never "allowed" me to be on his credit card. This is a classic sign of an abusive relationship.

We had 4 major rows over this in the beginning of our marriage - i had assumed when we got married that we would pool our finances - only after we were married did it become clear that he was determined to retain his own account and credit card. Since he always earned more than I did, although I worked, all of my income went to our joint maintenance, while the amount he contributed was at his own discretion - in other words, he retained the right to buy what he wanted without asking me because it was "his" money. When I had children and quit work, I became dependent on him, and he became even more controlling with money since we had now lost my income and were on a tighter budget. He never gave me an allowance for the household and made me account for every penny I requested from him. Because he was used to making unilateral decisions, over the years, he consulted me less and less and was irritated that I felt I had a right to an opinion. Asking me what I felt like doing became simply a cosmetic exercise for him, but he always got his way because I was too tired to fight.

What I am saying is that this was an insidious poison that poisoned our marriage through and through and allowed him to develop "independent behaviour", whose final result has been his deciding he is entitled to emotional affairs with other women. And now he has his own e-mail account which I do not have access to and has locked "our" cellphone with a code he has not given to me.

We have each started individual counselling and had one MC session last year - in that session I stated that the biggest problem was his control over money - he immediately said that he never meant to let it get this far and said we would get a joint bank account. We have had one for a year now - I now work part-time and put in my whole paycheck - he puts in ONE of his paychecks (he is self-employed) - the rest of his earnings he still puts into his own bank account. He also keeps cash in his locked dresser, which I suppose he doesn't think I know about, but I have checked, since he doesn't hide the key. Recently he decided he needed to go on a training course - I don't know how much this cost but I suppose he doesn't feel he needs to tell me or ask whether or not we can afford it because he knows how much of "his" money he has.

The point is - when you are married - IMO - you should not have "my" money and "his" money. I was a SAHM - I wasn't paid a dime but I worked 24/7 for 9 years without a single night off - when we went on vacation, I worked even harder because I was away from my own home. Whatever he earned in that time I consider I earned as well, since he wouldn't have been able to earn it if he had had to stay home with the kids. So what he earned was all "our" money. I figure that if he paid me minimum wage for all the hours I worked these last 9 years, he would owe me about $400,000.00 - twice the value of our home - so if we divorce, a fair deal would at least give me all of the home plus $200,000.00. I am not kidding. And I think raising two beautiful boys is worth a hell of a lot more than minimum wage - what if he had had to pay a nanny?

I've said this to him and he looks sheepish - but old habits die hard. I am hoping that our counselling will help him to let go of his need to control. But his desire to retain his "financial independence" is a sign of his lack of total commitment to the marriage and therefore to my well-being. It is crucial to the survival of our marriage that this change. Only time will tell.

Your H is testing you to see how much he can still get away with - he probably really does miss you and may be starting to appreciate what he is losing. But he is not ready to come back to the marriage totally committed if he has decided he needs his own separate finances. This means he will come back to live with you with all the mechanisms in place to continue to lie and cheat behind your back - and if you agree to it, you will be enabling him.

And look at it another way - I speak from experience here - my H has built up all the credit we earned by staying solvent and debt-free on his own personal account. He now has a platinum card with a $4000.00 credit limit. I don't. And I have lost 14 years of credit being earned on our joint bank account. Credit which I contributed to by being frugal for the sake of the family. Marriage is a joint commitment and you both deserve the credit you earn for being financially responsible. I consider my H to have robbed me of the credit I deserve. If I get divorced now, I will start my life again from scratch at 45 with none of the credit I deserve.

Don't get sucked into this kind of thing.

Just MHO.
Odile

Dear Brokenhearted-
I believe you must stand firm about the joint checking account and joint credit cards. This is a battle I have fought the whole of my married life with my H, and lost - he retained full control over all of our finances through his own checking account and has never "allowed" me to be on his credit card. This is a classic sign of an abusive relationship.

We had 4 major rows over this in the beginning of our marriage - i had assumed when we got married that we would pool our finances - only after we were married did it become clear that he was determined to retain his own account and credit card. Since he always earned more than I did, although I worked, all of my income went to our joint maintenance, while the amount he contributed was at his own discretion - in other words, he retained the right to buy what he wanted without asking me because it was "his" money. When I had children and quit work, I became dependent on him, and he became even more controlling with money since we had now lost my income and were on a tighter budget. He never gave me an allowance for the household and made me account for every penny I requested from him. Because he was used to making unilateral decisions, over the years, he consulted me less and less and was irritated that I felt I had a right to an opinion. Asking me what I felt like doing became simply a cosmetic exercise for him, but he always got his way because I was too tired to fight.

What I am saying is that this was an insidious poison that poisoned our marriage through and through and allowed him to develop "independent behaviour", whose final result has been his deciding he is entitled to emotional affairs with other women. And now he has his own e-mail account which I do not have access to and has locked "our" cellphone with a code he has not given to me.

We have each started individual counselling and had one MC session last year - in that session I stated that the biggest problem was his control over money - he immediately said that he never meant to let it get this far and said we would get a joint bank account. We have had one for a year now - I now work part-time and put in my whole paycheck - he puts in ONE of his paychecks (he is self-employed) - the rest of his earnings he still puts into his own bank account. He also keeps cash in his locked dresser, which I suppose he doesn't think I know about, but I have checked, since he doesn't hide the key. Recently he decided he needed to go on a training course - I don't know how much this cost but I suppose he doesn't feel he needs to tell me or ask whether or not we can afford it because he knows how much of "his" money he has.

The point is - when you are married - IMO - you should not have "my" money and "his" money. I was a SAHM - I wasn't paid a dime but I worked 24/7 for 9 years without a single night off - when we went on vacation, I worked even harder because I was away from my own home. Whatever he earned in that time I consider I earned as well, since he wouldn't have been able to earn it if he had had to stay home with the kids. So what he earned was all "our" money. I figure that if he paid me minimum wage for all the hours I worked these last 9 years, he would owe me about $400,000.00 - twice the value of our home - so if we divorce, a fair deal would at least give me all of the home plus $200,000.00. I am not kidding. And I think raising two beautiful boys is worth a hell of a lot more than minimum wage - what if he had had to pay a nanny?

I've said this to him and he looks sheepish - but old habits die hard. I am hoping that our counselling will help him to let go of his need to control. But his desire to retain his "financial independence" is a sign of his lack of total commitment to the marriage and therefore to my well-being. It is crucial to the survival of our marriage that this change. Only time will tell.

Your H is testing you to see how much he can still get away with - he probably really does miss you and may be starting to appreciate what he is losing. But he is not ready to come back to the marriage totally committed if he has decided he needs his own separate finances. This means he will come back to live with you with all the mechanisms in place to continue to lie and cheat behind your back - and if you agree to it, you will be enabling him.

And look at it another way - I speak from experience here - my H has built up all the credit we earned by staying solvent and debt-free on his own personal account. He now has a platinum card with a $4000.00 credit limit. I don't. And I have lost 14 years of credit being earned on our joint bank account. Credit which I contributed to by being frugal for the sake of the family. Marriage is a joint commitment and you both deserve the credit you earn for being financially responsible. I consider my H to have robbed me of the credit I deserve. If I get divorced now, I will start my life again from scratch at 45 with none of the credit I deserve.

Don't get sucked into this kind of thing.

Just MHO.
Odile