Well, I just want to encourage you to bear with each other through this time - tutter speaks from experience and believes that things can work out between you.

I know I would find it hard, Mrs Dreamland, to read things here that Mr D has not shared with you - be that as it may, it is a fact of life that he feels low right now and insecure about your movements. It seems to me that you are doing v well at being accountable for yourself in tangible ways to try to dispell his distrust. Remember that his trust in you will take time to rebuild and it is only consistency which will make the difference in healing.

Dreamland - I hope you don't take this wrong, but again - this has been an incredibly stressful two weeks for the both of you. You can't expect her to just pick up and start working on loving you again - she is emotionally exhausted. You say over and over again that you guess she is "still in withdrawal" - she is just STARTING REAL withdrawal - she does not have a lot to give you right now - you need to listen to the other WS like tutter and hope4thefuture and just give her the emotional space she needs to get over this - this will take a long time.

Now is when you need to stop focusing on her and her feelings and get out into the world and start getting some of the good feelings you need out of life from the rest of your life - you have isolated yourself because of this situation and you need to stop that now. Its claustrophobic living in a marriage where you depend on your spouse to make you happy - you reminded me of this yourself - remember when you posted to me before (I changed my name a couple of days ago) about how my being down affected my life with my H? You need to take the advice you gave to me - back off from her, and go out and try to enjoy the things you enjoy yourself as a person - you can then bring this back to your marriage. If you don't do this, she will always feel pressured into supplying you with happiness and resentful of your neediness.

I understand your anxiety about her going with another man to this function, but I think you have to listen to what she has said and try to believe her.

I hope for both of you, that this is just a bump on your road to recovery - which is bound to have a few potholes in it - that's all. And you are still married and still have all the same stresses that all married couples with children have - and that's what we all struggle with - the balance between work and family.

Just try to be patient with each other. Have either of you had a good long think about getting into some marriage counselling together? It would be good if you could find the right kind of mutual support.

All the best

Mr D, this would be the MOST opportune time for you to "detach" from your marriage and focus on yourself. Mrs D has a lot of confusing thoughts and feelings to sort through right now. If you're worried about things becoming stagnant just give yourself a time limit. Think about a fair amount of time for both you and Mrs D and turn your focus away from both the future and the past...just live in the present for a while. I know it's not an EASY thing to do...but then nothing about this part of marriage is easy. After the allotted time has passed you can take a look at where things are for you, and talk to each other about where you are at. That type of discussion and thought is futile at this point.

Mrs D. I'm sure it's difficult to read how Mr D feels, and I'm also sure you probably disagree with many of his thoughts and feelings. But no matter how wrong you think his feelings are...he feels however he feels. Much like you do. I remember back when I was still very much infatuated with my OM but we were not in contact...I found the message board where he was posting his thoughts and feelings. I was embarassed and enraged at how TOTALLY one sided everything he wrote was. He didn't take my feelings in to account at all and he totally villianized me. Well...go figure. He felt dumped and lied to...which he was. I also remember blatently telling my H he was wrong for thinking or feeling a certain way about things. I really thought I knew it all. While I'm sure you believe you are doing your very best it's pretty typical for a wayward spouse to treat their spouse pretty badly. You may not feel that way now...but one day it will most likely hit you pretty hard. I felt sick to my stomach for days after I realized the real depth of pain I caused EVERYONE. It affects so many more people than just us. If even 1/4 of the things Mr D has told us you've said to him or done to him are true...he's got plenty of valid reasons for feeling like he does. I know you feel really awful right now too. You said you feel like you just exist. I remember feeling that way too. It's temporary IF you decide to do something about it. Consider seeing a counselor. Consider antidepressants for a short time to help you regain some clarity of thought. Make a plan yourself, FOR yourself as to how you're going to figure out everything. Because just hanging around hoping it will pass won't work.

I was a lot like you. I obsessed over stuff... I rationalized, analyzed... and it left me paralyzed. I was paralyzed she would leave; paralyzed she would stay. One night, alone in my office, I made a decision to let it go.
- If she threatens to leave again, instead of reacting, I will say, "You are free to come or go as you choose. You need to do what you feel is necessary." and then change the topic to something non-threatening.
- If she accuses me of snooping, I will say, "I am looking for reasons to trust you. Since you won't tell me of your own accord, I snoop. But, you're right. It's wrong of me to do this in front of you. I realize that if you wanted contact with the OM, that no amount of snooping on my part could turn it up. I'll just trust you: Have you had contact?"
- Before she thought that my questions were emotionally abusive to her. Now, when I have questions, I say, "I have some questions. We don't have to talk about them right now. But, let me know when you're ready." I drop it. She gets curious as to what the questions are... and eventually she's ready.
- Before I thought I needed to reassure her of my love... when in truth, I need it from her. I honestly don't know if I love her right now. I like some of the things she does for me, but I loathe and despise the kind of person that betrayed my trust, defiled our marriage, and all that other stuff. I'm not willing to rebuild unless she loves me. Maybe it's retribution. I stopped telling her I love her. When she says, I smile and kiss her hand or blow her a kiss or wink. But, I don't say it back.

Since doing this... wow, what a difference. It gives me hope and faith that if I let go even more, that she'll want to come back even more.

Great thread!! thanks to all you WS's for giving us insight. We BSs have no idea how the WS thinks, especially while in the fog. This thread has been more illuminating than anything I have read so far.

Mr. & Mrs. Dreamland....take this opportunity now to listen to these WSs, and to listen what each other are saying. you have a very small window of opportunity to take a very big step forward, if you can both see this.

I can only hope for the day for the breakthrough such as this with my WW! Again, thanks for the info. it is a GREAT encouragement!

In His arms!

Thanks to all for posting. I have very few words. Thanks for all the insite WS's.

Dreamland -

I've taken a few days off from the boards (till this weekend), but I wanted to let you know to hang in there. I realize it is difficult but just kind of let things slide right now. It took a long time to get where you are and it may take a longer time to get to someplace better.

Mrs. Dreamland - I also suggest you exercise some patience also. Now is not the time for quick decisions. Take stock of where you have been, where you are today, and where you want to be in the future. There are many things for you to consider and a lot of information to process.

I have great hopes for the two of you and my thoughts are with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Dreamlands....

Thank you so much for posting and sharing here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There are so many here who wish they were in the talking stage where they can communicate their thoughts and feelings to their spouse....

I sense you don't know it now, but you are lucky to still be talking.....because there will be frustration. Frustration about what you want to hear, and don't. About what you want to say, and feel you can't, about things not happening soon enough, about hearing from somewhere else what you thought you should have heard first...

Please consider MC, Dr. H has stated that it is dificult to recover without it, no matter how much you think you can communicate.

My wife and I did not go to MC, we have now agreed to separate and she is sleeping on the couch. (her choice)

Being frustrated and hurt is normal, so is feeling so completely empty you don't even want to move, what you do with it is up to you. Please try NOT to let it (frustration) get converted to anger...Anger has a fog of it own. It can lead to resentment, anger allowed to build up. I read on another post this footnote "Resentment is like taking poison, and waiting for the other person to die"

I sense you two are better than that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck.

DRS

Through all of this recent events, I have learned many things, but the clearest and most evident in my mind is that I need to work on ME. I have depended on my wife for validation of myself, how I am and what I believe. I am slowly coming out of it, but I need much more work. I need to learn not to depend upon others for my hapiness, self esteem, and feeling of love. I need to learn to become emotionally attached without loosing ME. This is my problem that is totally independent of who my wife is and is probably a good reason why (other than my wife) I have only one true friend.

My wife and I are very numb and have begun talking a little more now. The first day or so after our confrontation on the forum, we talked very little and ignored each other. I think I ignored her more than she ignored me.

I think now I will be a little more sensitive to what she is going and give her some distance (whether intentional or not). She is being very nice to me now and observant of me and my reactions. All in all, I am happy. I have quite a bit to be happy about and I am sure this whole thing will turn out to be just a small bump in the pothole of life.

That sounds great Dreamland! I think you are making some great observations in conjunction with Passionate Marriage. I thought you'd really get a lot out of that. Many times I'd read your posts and think...man are they ever fused. All you can do is work on your part and she'll either sink or swim. Either way, that's her choice and one you can't make for her. Good luck!!