My husband lied for months during my pregnancy about his A. I found out it was a co-worker just 2 days before I gave birth and the anguish and stress caused me to almost bleed to death during a very traumatic labor. He has since gone from wanting to leave me and our children to wanting to work on our marriage; in fact he's been wonderful... patient, loving, kind, and most importantly, productively involved in our recovery. He still has to work with OW until he can find a new position, and having to look her in the face when I show up there is more than I can stand most of the time. After all, she was someone who pretended to actually like me and used to ask how I was feeling during my pregnancy.My question is this: Is there any real closure in confrontiing her and telling her what she and my husband ahve put me through? Chances are she either won't care or will rationalize everything about their warped realationship. I can't help but wonder if it will make me feel better. Has anyone else out there ever confronted the OW or OM? How did it go and did it help? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I would advise against it. Your H is back, working on your M, and THAT is the most important thing.

Do things that are positive for your M and your R...measure what you are going to do in terms of that; is it positive for my M and R?

Confronting the OW might give you some mometary feeling of winning, but it will only hurt you in the long run. Believe me, she's got plenty of problems to deal with. And even worse, it may even anger your H.

I'm agreeing with Spacecase here. Even if things were pleasant during the confrontation, you'll end up wondering if she was really sincere, or if she was just patronizing you. To me, nothing good will come of it.

Have you told your H how you feel about seeing her? Its important, especially if you are in recovery, to express this so WH can take the steps necessary to help you. What kinds of things would you like H to do when you are in OW's presence, maybe hold your hand, stand between the 2 of you or hug you in front of her? Let him know how you feel and how he can help you feel better.

As long as OW is still around, even as a coworker, its going to be a huge stumbling block towards recovery. The sooner he gets out of there, the better. But until then, keep talking in a productive way, sounds like things are going really well for you, another success story in the making?

The best revenge is living a good life....and letting them know it.

Breeze into your H's office looking gorgeous, smiling at everyone INCLUDING HER....right in her face, and keep going to your H's desk and plant him a big one, or whatever is appropriate...a really warm greeting can be enough to rock these XOW.

I agree 100% with all the advise given, included Nina.

I have been struggling with comfronting the OW myself, but it is too late and she, in particular and unfortunatedly, is a bad person so no way she'd even care of what I said, it would slide down her scaly back and walk away.

My revenge is that my H is now plan A'ing me like crazy, and has done far more amazing, romantic things that he ever even cared to do for her.

I am also more successful, I hope more pretty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and loved that she will ever be.

That is my revenge.

Don't bother. If she was the kind of person who gave a hoot she wouldn't have done it in the first place. She doesn't give a damn about your feelings so hearing them won't make a difference.

I confronted, and I am glad.. I think she got to see how badly she hurt me and my kids... I confronted several times.. and once even knocked her down and pulled some hair.. mind you this was in the very beginning and I did not plan this one.. I am sorry for this, had not eaten or slept for two weeks and was drinking...

Anyway.. i talked to ehr again on the phone last week, july 4, and this time... the A is over... and she is back with her h..

She actrually sd she is sorry and thinks about what she did and how it was wrong now. She is sorry she hurt me and my kids.. now it was not that cryatal clear, but close... It made me feel better.. but most of our initial converstaions were bad... I confronted her prob. 6 or so times...

This woman had the audacity to try to ruin my life.. and has had a great contribution to the problems I am now in... thanks to her immoral and unethical conduct with my H. I will never respect her... she is a diff. breed.

They are just diff, and thinkt his is OK.

Hugs, I am glad you are doing better now... my h and I are still seperated.

Most others say do not... CONFRONT. I had to, it is just me.. I am a very honest, brutally honest person... and I feel the truth takes us all a lot further than lies.. and deception.. and I tend not to let things lie.

It might be better to leave her alone.. but come in with your baby and looking beautiful, that would definitely be a good thing! VIsit that job a lot as long as she is there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

The best revenge is living well...she'll get the message! The fact you 'won' and she 'lost' is all the revenge needed. Use your energy to restore your M. Try to move and and enjoy your FWH's attention and your beautiful new baby. There are so many more important things in life.

I'd like to provide a bit of input from the POV of an xOW.

Personally I would have LOVED to meet his W. Not to hurt her, but out of curosity.

There are as many different kinds of OW as there are different kinds of EMA's. I don't know how to say this in the most respectful way, so i'll just do my best here.

I think that some W's assume that the A is about a "fight" (for lack of a better word) for the H. For me it never was. I loved him. I was having a good time, and we had a long term A. Whenever his W made contact with me we'd take a break. She messed up the happy-go-lucky playful vibe that we had. I'm quite sure that this woman took her M and H very seriously. I really didn't. I thought I did at the time but in retrospect it was a giant game to me.

The reason that I would suggest NOT contacting the OW is : past any curosity the meeting might quench, it may also cause you more pain, frustration and aggrivation. Hasn't there been enough of that already.

My friends and I would laugh when his W would make an appearence. I'd play her messages for them. In the nearly 10 years that we were together every word she said to me registered as her massive insecurity or as "look at me - i'm the W." If being a W had the same value to me as it had to her i'd probably NOT be sleeping with her H.

It took me months on MB to realize that I might have even caused any damage to the M.

My best advise. Leave her alone.

JMHO.

I found closure in it. You would definately have to go into it with NO EXPECTATIONS to get a response (good or bad) from her.

I'm glad you know this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Chances are she either won't care or will rationalize everything about their warped realationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is the email I sent to OW and got no response from her. I sent it after H sent her a "no contact" email and cc: all our friends and family.
----------------------------------------------
OW,
H sent you an email that said he has hurt some
people by continuing an inappropriate relationship
with you. H is a grown man and he is responsible
for his own actions but you did play a part in it. My God says to love you and bless you and pray for you.

Although I am mad at you I will pray you will never have to go through the pain and heartbreak that my family is experiencing now. I did feel like I had a responsibility to share my heart because me and my kids are real people with real feelings and real hurt.

BS
----------------------------------------------

Here is part of an article that I think supports confrontation. Make sure you POJA with your H.
Boundaries Cloude Townsend

Limiting Evil

One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.

He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and &#8220;bind&#8221; evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not &#8220;cling&#8221; to him.

In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get &#8220;caught up,&#8221; by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)

God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:

Truth and Commands

Confrontation

Rebuke

Exhortation

Forgiveness

Group Intervention

Consequences

Discipline

Restoration

Limit Setting

Separation

These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. As has been the story since the garden of Eden, the mess is largely of our own making. If we would use our self-control to do these things, then we would not have the messes in various aspects of life in which we find ourselves. We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.

In my case, the OW called me. She was a coworker of H and sort of a friend of mine. She apologized and proceeded to tell me what a terrific person my husband was and that he was her best friend. Those words will never leave my head...he was her best friend.....so I can tell you this much, you may not like what you hear if you confront her. I wish I would have hung up on her before she got that out.

For Katie Scarlett:
It's not a fight for the WH. It's a fight to save everything you hold dear! Your marriage, your family, your way of life, your beliefs...sometimes your sanity!

As an aside, it's tragic that you saw playing with other people's lives as a game. I only hope you've since changed. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but sometimes to understand the damage an A can cause you have to be the WH or the BS. I sincerely hope you've moved on with your life and have made new contacts...with single men!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> lol

MGM:

Change is a process, but I think that I have changed a lot in my time here. Before coming here I really don't think I saw marriage as sacred. I saw it as one of many choice that one could make in life. Kind of like, one scoop or two.

People for whom marriage is "a way of life" are still an interesting case study to me. I have come to understand that even if I don't understand a choice I can respect (and not interfer with) it. As a living ammends to his W I leave him (and all MM) alone. I am in a very nice, sane, monogomous relationship with a SG.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Porsche S ]</small>

My personal situation: When I first found out, I desperately wanted to call her, and make her feel miserable and humiliated, just as I was. Fiance asked me not to call her at all, or at least not while I was at the height of my anger.

Now that I think about it, I'm glad I didn't call. It was a short A, and she was also cheating on her live-in boyfriend...with whom she's had a lot of problems...she has probably done this before, and doesn't give a second thought about it. If I called her, she probably wouldn't even care, and I would feel worse.

They do not speak personally...only rarely when he has to give her a patient report (hospital). They work together once or twice a week, and their shifts overlap by 4 hours. (God I wish she would just go...but she sucks at her job and can't find another.) He told another co-worker (close friend of xOW) that I had been told, and the message did get passed on to her.

My husband messed around with a cowoker, and eventually she was confronted after it ended. My husband confessed everything because he felt guilty for cheating on me, especially during my pregnancy.

First of all I called her. After her dening what happened several months ago, I told her that my husband told me everything...I mean everything. She didn't know because he had already cut off all contact with her. Anyway, I typed her a legnthy letter, stating several things about God. That I forgave her, and to not be afraid of me. She is absolutely terrified of me, which is strange for women in this world. She is naive, came from a very sheltered home, and she is only 20. I basically told her that she could've ruined a marriage by participating in helping draw one out away from his marriage. My husband did this out of extreme selfishness. I frequently go to the Walmart my husband used to manage, because they develop my photos. She serves me well, yet she is very intimidated by me, and so are the others that knew about it. They all live in fear. It's funny sometimes.

When I go there, I look sharp and carry myself in a very professional manner. She on the other hand, isn't worth any fuss at all. So if you confront her, I suggest through a letter. I can breathe easy now, because I've said what I had to say and I don't need to bother her ever again. My marriage is better than ever.

But if you choose to in person, unless you can truly feel her personality--which your husband can fill you in on--don't. If she is timid, then you have the upper hand. If she is a venegeful, sneaky, person that OW are...then let it go. She will not hesitate to make you stoop to her level, making you want to whup her butt. You don't want to step in those shoes, it will only make you angry and you probably won't stop until you make her life miserable.

So take some time to think about it. If you won't have closure until you do, then I pray for you. Like I've said, a letter is best. It is simple, to the point, and non-harrassing. She can show it to her friends, snicker about it, and whatever she wants, but when it is read...she will feel stupid for what she had done. Remember, what goes around, comes around. She didn't get off as easy as she thinks. It will all come back to haunt her.

God Bless, and if you want to see my letter...I'll email it to you...just post here to let me know.

Katie Scarlett, why are you hanging around here? And did you enjoy all that you've done? I'll pray for you, and hope that you've changed fully. Some people are ready to hear what you've said about laughing, etc. when it came to the wife...and some are not. We want to heal, not be reminded.

<small>[ July 11, 2002, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: arnez ]</small>

I confronted my WW's OM, on the suggestion of 2 different counselors... And it was suggested as such for some specific reasons... the conditions were "right" to support it in my case.

I believe some of those conditions were that the A was still going strongly, and that WW had built a very elaborate "second life" with OM based on fantasy... I'm certain she told IC/MC that my talking to OM would be a big problem... so IC/MC suggested it to me! Steve seemed to buy into it when I told him about some correspondence between WW and OM - how it was very much devoid of anything related to ME... so it was a well planned exercise for me...

It was something I had to do in person - leave OM with seeing my face whenever he sees her face now.

I also approached it very calmly, very confidently. I was polite and intelligent in my approach. I pointed out many of the lies she'd been telling him, and generally showed myself as "the better man" by my actions.

WW later told me OM didn't sleep a wink that night. Poor baby...

I confronted other woman. I was so proud of myself for having dignity and being christian. However the affair didnt' stop, I found myself confronting her over , and over. I then confronted her in person. The things she told me were said in a way to let me know alot of thing that they did, and said together. I will never get them out of my mind. I wish I would have just written a letter, and that would have been that.

You can never take anything back they say to you. It is terrible. She told me he was proud of her around acouple of his friends(she met two of them)(not the nice ones), and that he could never see her with another man, he gave her a ring with all his love( I told her it wasn't a ring from Gods love , they went to a park together, she always told me everything. I just want to throw it all out like garbage that it is. Don't do it....

Arnez, the point of my post was to say

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>
The reason that I would suggest NOT contacting the OW is : past any curosity the meeting might quench, it may also cause you more pain, frustration and aggrivation. Hasn't there been enough of that already.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that there are those here who might not be ready to hear what an xOW would have to say.

My purpose was simply to point out that a BS might go into a confrontation situation expecting to leave feeling empowered. As an OW I NEVER thought the same was his W did. So it's likely that she'd walk away from the situation more hurt than helped.

Additionally, i've been on MB long enough that people here know what kind of posts to expect from me. I see certain posters names and I skip them entirely. I trust that there are those who see Katie Scarlett and immediately skip to the next response. I understand and respect that choice.