I don't know what to do anymore. I tried Plan B because she told me to give her space, she just used that to run to OM#2.

Now I have tried Plan A from a distance and the nicer I am, the more it upsets her. I got this email from her today:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You said things to me that I can't get out of my head (this was probably on D-day, but she won't tell me). You should know, I'm not speaking with my father right now because of the awful things he says to or about me. I don't know if you ever noticed, but I forgave my mother for beating me, but I still can't forgive my father for the mental abuse. "Sticks and stone may break my bones but words can never hurt me" That is a complete mockery of reality...physical wounds heal, but emotional wounds haunt you forever. There was one particular thing you said to me that hurts very badly, it is the final reason (I don't know what this is, again probably said it on D-day, she does say I called her a Sl*t on d-day, but I don't remember saying that). The reason I knew I had to get out, although there were times when I thought I could get over it. You always told me I was the strongest person you knew. I finally agree. When I was a child I was abused but I couldn't get away. Now that I'm an adult I can get away to protect myself, and so I did...no matter how much it hurt. It could never hurt as much as the haunting feeling of being subordinate and abused. I understand that you see things from a different point of view, but this is mine and I will not put myself back in that position. That part of my life is over and I must fight on. I know you think I've moved on too quickly, but it wouldn't be that way if he didn't treat me better than you ever did. I never feel outclassed or like I don't deserve (she always told me she didn't deserve me because I treated her so well ), and I am always free to be myself. I've not had that anywhere else.

I miss you sometimes, I miss my friend. But I don't miss what we meant and what we became. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not an abusive person, mentally or physically. Bear in mind I have an email from her from March 10th that says

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are the most wonderful person. EVER.
Somehow I spent nearly eighteen years being treated like a miserable person,
and the last seven being treated like a celestial being. Thank you for
everything, my love.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have several like this, so how could I be this terrible person if she thought of me like that? It seems like she thinks of me as a monster. I have been biting my tounge so much since I found MB and read SAA, but it seems to only make her hate me more.

What should I do? I'm really at a loss here. I'm in tears because no matter what I want her to find happiness, but I don't want her to hate me. I still love her so much.

I am sorry she is being so hurtful.

What I can read from all this is that:

1) she has issues that need to be adressed by a professional. I was abused as a child in every way imaginable. I never used my abuse as an excuse or as a weapon to hurt anybody.

2) She needs to feel good about what she is doing, ergo, she will throw at your face whatever ammo she can find. If you called her slut, she will use it untill it makes no more sense to do so, and even then she'll try to hold it as a grunge against you.

3) If you answer the e-mail at all do so in little words as kindly as possible, such as:

"I am very sorry and saddened you feel that way. I cannot change what you think happened in your mind, neither what your point of view is. You know how I feel about everything. I wish you could elaborate further in what I did to anger you so, otherwise there is no way I can fix it."

When I was really really withdrawn and incredibly angry at my WH for things he had done I would look up ANYTHING to be mad at him, "Oh my tea was too hot", then act mad, and he'd ask me what I was mad about. I wouldn't tell because when I thought of it it was a stupid thing to be mad at. Maybe by not telling you she is doing the same. She knows her claims cannot stand and are flimsy, so she'll try to pump whatever offenses you have managed to direct over to her so what she did doesn't look that awful.

Seems to me she knows perfectly she is moving waaaay too fast, she is getting dizzy and scared, and she only has you to blame. No newly acquired boyfriend likes to deal with a b*tchy gf, if you understand me.

Continue your plan A, she knows she is running out of ammunition, the moment her accusations are not valid anymore, the moment she'll have to see her adultery for what it is.

Stay strong, ((((((((hugglez))))))))))

I just feel that no matter what I do, she will come to hate me. I never wanted that. I will continue Plan A whenever I see and talk to her, but communication is small and getting smaller as time goes on. I think there is nothing else I can do while this current R w/ OM#2 is going on. It may never end, but I would like to think something that starts this fast has very little chance of lasting. Who knows, I just feel so bad about myself right now. My Self Esteem is as low as it's ever been.

Maybe then it is time for you to move to plan B.
She is with OM#2, she is using you as an outlet for her frustrations, anger and poor sense in decisions. If you stand around she'll try to stick more things that you are not guilty of.

She can use you as her excuse for every single bad thing that has happened in her life. That won't make her feel better, but she still doesn't want to admit she is wrong.

Distancing yourself from her will let you breathe, have some time to try to regroup and have more strength for yourself.

Sometimes as it seems WS's don't come around untill they are left alone to face their own terrible decisions. I think it is time for her to be left alone with her own ghosts. Don't step into her firing range and act like a sitting duck.

Nothing you can do can change her. She is an individual with her own demonds and her fantasy world is getting the best of her, all you get is exhaust from all that logic shattered and nonsense she is living in.

She can steam on her own, you don't deserve this.
Don't let it get to your self steem. Whatever she decides to do with her life is her own fault, he own decision, you have done what you could. If she openly said you treated her better than she deserved, then maybe she understand that indeed you have tried you have worked and pleaded.

There is nothing wrong with you, neither nothing wrong with trying. You are a wonderful person stuck in a bad lot, and it is time you start working on yourself to look upwards and get the best of life.

Did I make any sense? I hope so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lots of (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Please hang in there.

SCBI:

You helped me last night, so I'll try to help you.

If you respond to the email at all, focus on the good things you've talked about and that you're doing. If she has asked recently about how you're doing, for example, go into some detail, there. Leave R and OM talk out of the email (email is good because you have time to compose). Don't respond to ANY of the negative comments about you or what you've said (or not said) to her in the past, so as not to inadvertently give her "ammunition" to shoot you down out of her frustration with her situation. Leave her with nothing but good things to remember about you. If you don't NEED to go to plan B, stick with your "remote" plan A, and take advantage of the limited communication to put a positive spin on the "end" of your R with her.

I posted this story somewhere else, I can't remember where:

I have a friend that has a great way of diffusing "road rage" before it gets out of "hand". He carries a pair of Groucho glasses with him in his car. He told me that one time, when he realized he had cut someone off on the freeway, and saw that guy coming up fast in his rear-view mirror, he pulled the glasses out of the glovebox and put them on (facing away from the other guy while doing so). When the other guy got even with him in the next lane, he turned and faced him with the glasses on. He said the guy was literally "frozen" for a moment, with his middle finger only partially deployed. Then he just burst out laughing, waved at him and drove on.

I wish Rs could be "fixed" so easily.

Alostwife, 2long. Thanks for the encoragement and the advice. I'm just having one of those bad days. That email really messed with my head.

She called me this afternoon to talk about when I will be at the birthday party for our twin nephews on Sat. They are turning 3. (She is bringing OM#2 to the b-day party which is like the ultimate stab in the back, so I am going to see them before the party starts. Her sister told her that she wants me their because I am their favorite uncle.) Well all I talked about was the spiderman stuff I got for them and how I thought they would love it (they really like spiderman). So that went well, very friendly talk.

Then she brought up the Sat. after that. She wants to come over and go through the house with me and seperate what we each want out of the divorce. That will be hard, plus next thurs. is her b-day and I don't know what to do. Do I give her a gift or a card?

So, she is going back and forth within the day. It seems like sometimes when I talk to her, she doesn't know what to say, like she is suprised I am being so nice. It's weird. I can her the confusion in her voice.

SCBI:

"I'm just having one of those bad days. That email really messed with my head."

Boy, they can sure do that, can't they?

"She called me this afternoon to talk about when I will be at the birthday party for our twin nephews on Sat. They are turning 3. (She is bringing OM#2 to the b-day party which is like the ultimate stab in the back, so I am going to see them before the party starts."

Good for you. Let her explain to the family why you couldn't stay! I sure wouldn't stay. But have a good time with your nephews while you have that time beforehand.

"Her sister told her that she wants me their because I am their favorite uncle.) Well all I talked about was the spiderman stuff I got for them and how I thought they would love it (they really like spiderman). So that went well, very friendly talk."

Good work.

"Then she brought up the Sat. after that. She wants to come over and go through the house with me and seperate what we each want out of the divorce. That will be hard, plus next thurs. is her b-day and I don't know what to do. Do I give her a gift or a card?"

Do you want to give her something? If you do, go ahead. Follow your heart.

"So, she is going back and forth within the day. It seems like sometimes when I talk to her, she doesn't know what to say, like she is suprised I am being so nice. It's weird. I can her the confusion in her voice."

That is weird, isn't it. But VERY typical, as you know from this forum. I think you're doing the right things and in the right way. She'll appreciate it someday. Or, if she doesn't, some other lovely gal will.

all my best regards,

Don't worry about if the more you are nice to her, the more it upsets her. This means she is feeling so guilty about what she is doing. If you hated her, it would be much easier for her to enjoy her A, but you love her with all her faults, and she is just testing you to see if you are like her father. She wants to see you mean and angry so she can justify her running to the OM. God bless, Kim..

2long, Moving forward,

Thanks for the support and encouragement. That's what this board is so great. We all help give each other the strength to carry on for another day.

SCBI,

IMHO:
I guess when I come to times like this I have to do some serious soul searching. You know now who you are married to. OM#1, OM#2, have nothing to do with you and nothing to do with the OM's. You sound to be a perfect soul mate for someone now that you have learned and understand the dynamics of relationships. The soul searching is to determine if the path you are taking in life is the one you want to be on. You have passed many crossroads in life, and you have chosen the higher and less traveled on path, and for that you should be congratulated. You have more than fullfilled your commitment to God and to your wife.

Now life has dished out another set of circumstances to which has brought you to a decision ground (which is why you started out your post "I don't know what to do anymore." Thankfully, situations in life bring us to these crossroads to force us to make conscious well thought out decisions.

The soul searching should include, but not limited to:
1) What do "I" want?
2) If she does come back, will I be happy with her now and will she ever be able to be in a monogomous relationship (OM#3)? <<Keep in mind people do not change unless God changes them.>>
3) Do I still really love her, or am I afraid of loosing her?
4) Is the battle worth the fighting?

Only you can decide which path is for you. Remember that there are many DESERVING women out there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dreamland:

1) What do "I" want?

I want the happiness I had back.

2) If she does come back, will I be happy with her now and will she ever be able to be in a monogomous relationship (OM#3)? <<Keep in mind people do not change unless God changes them.>>

I think she can, but she needs some IC to deal with her childhood.

3) Do I still really love her, or am I afraid of loosing her?

I definatly still love her. I have been by myself and in other relationships. I'm not as afraid of being alone, I know I will find someone, but there are just so many things we have in common and so many things I feel I can only share with her.

4) Is the battle worth the fighting?

hmm, that depends on her. She has been through so much in her life that she deserves happines. Everyone does, I worry about her and the life this will bring her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

dreamland:

"2) If she does come back, will I be happy with her now and will she ever be able to be in a monogomous relationship (OM#3)? <<Keep in mind people do not change unless God changes them.>>"

I hope I don't sound like a disgruntled atheist here, but I think we need to realize that people aren't fundamentally "changing" here, their PERSPECTIVE on their life and those around them is altered by revelations along the way. JL pointed out to me that it isn't a change in the person, but in their perspective. It helped me because my W was complaining about me, early on in plan A when I didn't know better, claiming to be "changing for the better". The whole "wakeup call" thing makes more sense if it's couched in this change in viewpoint - perspective - that we experience after D-day and while in plan A/B. THAT's what makes us better people.