WW feelings change like the weather. Monday was bright and sunny. Today it’s cold and wet. One day ww will write, “we can do this” the next day its “ I need my space”. WW will give me false hopes and then crush me. I called her a Man-eater. I said you suck me in chew me up and spit me out. I feel like a total doormat. I don’t know why I hang around for this treatment. Why at the slightest bit of hope do I run back? She called to make an appointment with the Harleys today. IM not sure why. We are currently separated but talk almost every day. We are neither in plan A or plan B. Now she wants me to leave her alone so she can figure out her head. Sounds to me like OM is still in the Picture. WW says “ No it’s not about OM its about weather or not I can be happy with you”. This is from the same person who last week signs off on her letter to me saying “my love, my life, my best friend”. She says she feels terrible for what she is doing to me. She says her feeling for me are not they’re yet and she needs time. I told her the Harlys claim if we follow that narrow path that love can be restored. I say we need to follow the book to a T. WW is not willing to do that yet which is why I don’t understand why she is making an appointment with the Harleys. I feel that my willingness to work on things is very destructive to me. I am still very much in love with my wife after all she has and is putting me through. My head tells me to leave but my heart tells me to keep trying. I ask her if she wants a Divorce and she says, “ That’s your choice you’re a big boy”. Then she will say that’s not what she would want. I am getting mixed signals.

Question- is a session with the Harleys a waste of money at this point. Is it too early?

Question – In your opinion is a solid plan B the answer or should I throw in the towel?

Question – Would you say this is probably FOG talk? If so is this common?

As far as plan a myself. I feel better physically now than ever. I have been hitting the gym hard. I guess all this stress has helped me lose some fat. For the first time in about 4 years I am beginning to see my washboard abdominals making a comeback. I need to do a better job of taking care of myself mentally. I have had thoughts of suicide in the house just to make her realize how deeply she has hurt me. Of corse these are just thoughts and I would never do it. It’s still not healthy to be thinking those things. I just want to know where my life is headed. I want to either get busy moving on or get busy working on the marriage. Thank you all for listening and letting me vent.

Mr. Funk:

"I want to either get busy moving on or get busy working on the marriage."

Never mind your questions. Get busy working on the M. But start with YOU. You said you're neither in plan A or B. YOU should be in plan A.

Let Mrs. Funk deal with her issues. I don't think that MC at this time would be a waste of money, either, and that she's wanting it shows she cares about the M, regardless of contradictory signals you're getting.

Hang in there.

Mr. Funk;
This sounds to me like textbook WS in the fog...wavering, ambivalent, changing from day to day, hour to hour.

2L is right; forget Mrs. Funk, Plan A is about you, for you. If by the way Mrs. Funk notices, all the better...but it for you and about you.

Mrs. Funk will come around in due time. Hang in there!

Congratulations on getting ripped. Who needs anabolic steroids when you're on the infidelity diet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Now it's time to get emotionally ripped with the Marriage Builders workout program.

I'm glad that you've come back to update us on your situation and to vent some steam but you seem to forget that just because she has ended her A with the OM, it doesn't mean that things are back to the honky dory days of before the A.

2Long and Spacecase nailed it right on the head on working on yourself and let her work on herself.

Your WW is not thru withdrawl yet and because of this, she is nowhere near recovery like you are. I would suggest that you do not pressure her in any way shape or form on the issue of marital recovery because she needs to get to the point where she herself will want to do it with you, and so far she is not there yet.

As far as wasting money by counseling with the Harley's, I would like you to ask yourself the following question. How much money would you spend to save your M and make it better than it was before the A?

TMCM, If I didn&#8217;t know any better I would say you must be talking to my WW. You hit the nail right on the head. WW is pleading with me to stop pressuring her. This is extremely hard for me to do. I just want reassurance on our relationship and where my life is going. WW says things like &#8220; can we go one day without talking about us&#8221;. I agree that talking about us all the time does get exhausting. It&#8217;s just so hard for me to go through everyday flying by the seat of my pants, unsure of what my future holds. I consider myself a very structured person. For the 7 years WW and I have been building and planing a future together. For me the thought of throwing away our plans and dreams is very upsetting. So I end up reaching for reassurance from WW. I constantly tell her &#8220;I love you, IM in love with you&#8221; so I can hear her reciprocate with I love you to, IM in love with you too. I also search for affection. I find myself giving hugs, holding hands and just touching in some way in hopes that she will reciprocate that as well. She views these things as being pressured. This is hard for me to understand because I get so many mixed signals from her. One day she is very loving the next day she is not. Now WW does not want to talk at all. She doesn&#8217;t want to tell me anything about our relationship or how she is feeling. WW says, &#8220;if you don&#8217;t have any expectations than I can&#8217;t let you down&#8221;. WW says she feels terrible for upsetting me so much. Not talking is her way of protecting both of us I guess. We have a lot of family functions this weekend and I don&#8217;t think she wants to go. I have been telling the family that we are working on things. Now with her recent change of heart I have to face and explain yet again. This is the roller coaster ride from hell.

I absolutely hate it when BS's have such strong expectations from a WS that just ended!!!! the affair.

Funk -- she's in withdrawal. The affair happened for a reason. Right? The marital environment wasn't being tended in some areas -- some EN's were not being met. Which left your WS vulnerable to the affair.

So what EN's were not being met? What are you doing to fix your end of the deal?

She's withdrawn from your marriage. She's withdrawn from you. You can bring her back -- but you can't force her back.

I absolutely dread hearing that you're having daily conversations about your relationship !!! What a LB'er. YUCK.

She's feeling ambivilent. She's unsure. She's uncommitted.

But go ahead and keep pushing her -- you'll see how far that gets you. You didn't get into this situation overnight -- stop expecting to get out of it overnight. UGH.

Its not about OM anymore. Its about you. Feeling unsure of her love for you is how she got into the affair. Just cuz she's out of the affair doesn't make her snap back into love with you.

Lexxxy, I know I do expect a lot. Its just very hard for me to be in the same room with her without some affection / reassurance.
-----------------------------------------

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">&#8220;Funk -- she's in withdrawal. The affair happened for a reason. Right? The marital environment wasn't being tended in some areas -- some EN's were not being met. Which left your WS vulnerable to the affair.
-------------------------------------------
So what EN's were not being met? What are you doing to fix your end of the deal?&#8221;

WW says the EN I did not meet was romantic gestures I guess. WW can&#8217;t tell me exactly what it was. She feels she is there for sexual purposes only. Instead of saying your beautiful Say &#8220;your so sexy&#8221;. WW knows I love her she just did not like the way I expressed that love. So when OM comes along and tells her all the sweet things she wants to hear she runs to him. I am trying to do better with my choice of words. I also don&#8217;t paw all over her like I used to. This is a common problem according to HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS.,Which we have both recently listened to. So I am trying to fix my end of the deal but its not easy and it doesn&#8217;t come overnight either. Its like I have to be trained all over again. IM sorry you hate BS who act this way. Is this not common behavior / feelings for a BS?

Hey Funked,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by funkedup:
<strong>IM sorry you hate BS who act this way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong.

I'm not good at giving advice but I can tell you what didn't work for me though...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by funkedup:
<strong>Is this not common behavior / feelings for a BS?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it's very normal. Every BS wants all this bad stuff to end yesterday and the good stuff to be here NOW, not later... very normal feelings.

But it's the truth, trying to talk about it can be a death sentance. I really wish that when we were "trying" to work on our marriage, over a year ago, I would've listened to my WS when she said "Can't you just enjoy our time together and quit analyzing everything!?!"

I like you, wanted to know her feelings... she didn't know herself what she was feeling at any moment.

I wanted to know where our relationship was going... there's no crystal ball. She didn't have one, she had no idea what she wanted that day or would want the next.

She simply cannot give you any answers. And really... would you trust her feeling about anything right now???

Just try to be/act happy around her. Both of you are probably walking on eggshells around each other. Any bit of tension relief you can provide will be beneficial for both. I don't know... come home with a new joke everyday. Talk about current news or something... keep it light-hearted and positive.

Only talk about the A and your marriage when she brings it up. Any pressure you put on her will make her run(fast).

Oh well, just my opinion.

Good luck! Hang in there!

TTFN

Hey funk...our lives are almost exactly the same. i know where you are coming from.

I think Lexxxy is saying that she hates to see us BSers continue to go down that same wornout path of "Honey, I've changed...let's get things back...you have to start right now." It NEVER works. believe me, I have LBed my [censored] off since April when I got home from Bosnia and found out everything. it wasnt until three weeks ago I noticed changes, positive changes. And it has been in direct correlation to my starting a full Plan A, with no LBs (well, just a couple).

Steve Harley warns that you will be a doormat in Plan A. tou will also be on a rollercoaster ride, if YOU let your WS take you there. While she is in the fog, she is going to be going up and down...constantly. but you dont have to take that ride. I have learned just this week (through the School of hard knocks), that I can get off that ride by doing two things:

1. Ignore everything the WS says. Now that doesnt mean tune out. it means dont do what ALL BSers do, which is over-analyze everything the WS does and says and then when we see positive movement, think everything is good. For every up on the rollercoaster, there is definitely going to come a down for awhile until she tires of the ride and decides to get off the ride and back into reality. By ignoring the WS's constant changing moods, views and attitudes, you can keep from getting on the rollercoaster AND you will force her to deal with herself. the first example of success in this was this week, when my WW took me down the road, going off on me...changing history, blaming me for global warming, yada-yada-yada. for the first time since this started, I did EXACTLY what the Harleys said, turned to her and said "I understand that you feel that way. You must be very upset, and I am sorry for that." And I invented a reason to leave the room (something I "needed" to do for one of the kids). She left for the gym a few minutes later. An hour later, when she left the gym, she calls me at home from her cell saying "I'm sorry for going off on you today. I am just tired and had a few bad things happen today at work." WOW!!! for the first time since the affair started, and definitely since I got home and found out, my WS actually thought about her actions...had a feeling that they had hurt me...and apologized!!! I am learning that if you doggedly stick to a good Plan A, something WILL happen, one way or another. But as long as you LB and keep throwing the mess back in the air to analyze, she will never move out of the fog..atleast not the way you want.

2. The second thing is have a good Plan A written out for yourself. Do not let WS see it. refer to it often, especially after stressful times or her blow-ups. STAY ON YOUR MISSION! I ma in the military, and one thing Steve Harley reminded me yesterday is that you can only take care of you. Do your part in the marriage. you CANNOT do hers. So, concentrate on what is in your lane, do the things that you have to do, fix the ENs you werent providing before that set this thing up, and you will be surprised at the changes in your WS. I have been. my nature is to attack when hurt or confronted, especially when the other person is wrong. but attacking and being RIGHT will only lead you right before the judge...and then right into your own apartment and alone. As Steve told me recently "Do you want to be right, or do you want to save your marriage?" Stick to your plan, and let the chips fall. the odds are with the MB plan, she will be back!

In His arms.

Thank you kb4jb and mortarman. I guess I need to be a little more in control when I speak to WW. It is good to know my actions / feelings are normal for a Bs.

Hello all,

I have been in this position also, with poor results from too much "wanting to hear all" too quickly, talking about the A to often etc.

Funk, watchful patience here is very critical. What the others are saying is right on target. As much as it hurts you, YOU MUST BE THE EXAPMPLE OF HOW TO GROW OUT OF THE WITHDRAWAL AND INTO RECOVERY, AND THEN MAINTAIN THE RECOVERY. I can't stress this enough, you can right now push her away for good.....or bring her back.

Focus on you and how you can strengthen the M from your part, IMHO actively working the four rules of marriage may be a good starting point. Also, if you agree to talking about the A ONLY during MC.....And, you have a great deal of knowledge of her feelings from her having posted here, you have much to feel good about, just realize it

kb4jb and Mortarman how do you account for possible "cake eating" or "fence sitting" by the WS? Let's start a different thread

good luck.
DRS

funkedup - I can very much relate to how you are feeling. I am in the same situation as you. My WW wants to "clear her head", "need time", etc, etc.

I did notice that when I dont bring the A mess up, she do want to spend more time with me. I guess time & patience is the key here. I know how hard that is... but we can do it! I know I can't control the situation so I just take it one day at a time and spend as much good times with her as possible. We just have to repect their feelings and that is an act of love. My WW and I gained a lot of ground so far. It went from (2 mths ago) where we were talking about D and custody to now that I get a little kiss and a warming hug. Still there are many uncertainties...I going to give my M the best shot I can , I can presevere! (i think...)