Please bare with me i'm new to this forum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have just spent almost 2 hours reading so much info on the home page etc, my head is spinning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> But it was ALL good stuff. Anyway, I was the offender in having an affair. My H and I are working things out but it is ssoooooooooo hard! Obviously! I have agreed to end contact with the other guy and I have except he wont leave me alone. I tell my H every time he contacts me, as I had promised him I would do but it causes pain and fighting every time. I hate hurting him over and over again but he asked to me tell him. Any suggestions? I cant seem to get rid of the other guy. I love my H and we have both admitted to wrongs in our relationship. We have taken many wonderful steps to recovery, but each contact from this guy sets us back. Dont know what to do.
Thanks for reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

lg:

Welcome! You have the right attitude, and your H working with you. Good for both of you.

How does the OM contact you? If it's email, you can probably block him from getting through. If it's via phone, consider getting an unlisted phone number. If it's via snailmail, don't open the letters, throw them out. He'll get tired of bothering you. If it's by confronting you in person, consider filing a restraining order - that's stalking.

Is he M'd? Consider informing his Spouse.

You can do this, and your M will survive!

Gosh i feel like crying!! Thank you for replying 2long. Since May I have been keeping all of this to myself except for telling my M. I have done the phone thing and email things already now he is resorting to snail mail and contacting my relatives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thank you again for the advice. I feel like I'm about ready to find some new friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

luvsgems,

As 2long mentioned there are several ways to keep him from contacting you. But, if you haven't sent him a no contact letter, it is time to write one. It should be a letter your H sees and approves of and can even be signed by the both of you. You can look up here about what such a letter should contain. It should be business like, and straight to the point, NO CONTACT in any form or fashion.

However, if the OM persists in contacting you, then you have a variety of options.

1. Have you H call him and explain to him that OM's contacts are not welcome.

2. If he is in the same company as you, speak to your boss and his boss.

3. After the NC letter is sent if he continues, you can get a restraining order against him.

Don't play games with a guy that doesn't understand no. Send the letter if you have not, and then progress from there.

You have no idea yet how much this will bother your H, but if you read here for awhile you will see.

If you get the chance post a bit of your story. How long you two have been in recovery, did you tell H or did he find out, etc. These are things that are useful to know when posting to someone. I do hope you continue to read about Harley's four rules for a good marriage and particularly about the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. You will find all of this useful.

Meanwhile, Welcome to MB and I think you will find it eye opening and very useful to your recovery.

God Bless,

JL

lg:

Spacecase has a thread going on right now with sample no contact letters. There was another one out there today, too, but I can't remember the poster. You might find it by the subject title, though.

Take care, and give our best to you and your H.

Yes I definitely agree that you should allow your H to be the go-between if OM is not accepting your decision for no further contact, like an adult.

I don't know if your H is up to it, but one way would be for you BOTH to contact the OM and BOTH of you talk to the OM and inform him that if he won't comply with your wishes, you will get a restraining order...

Change your phone number, like 2long said, close or change your e-mail accounts and notify the post office security. You can even have your work extension changed due to harrassment. Does OM work with you, by chance?? If so, then change jobs. You can get this guy to hear you and respect your wishes. There are plenty of ways...

Your H probably feels so much resentment for your decision to invite this (loser) OM into your lives who is now harrassing your whole family! Please do all you can to reassure your H that you are no longer interested in pursuing this guy. Maybe you could wrap all the information between your H's top EN's.

Example, if the OM contacts you and you need to tell your H, before you tell him, do something or say something to fill an EN, tell him, then fill another EN somehow. For every love bank withdrawal, you need to make deposits so the deposits outweigh the withdrawals. This OM and his harrassment are making big giant withdrawals from YOUR love bank! Fix it!!! Good luck! And, welcome to MB!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />